Vanderpump Rules, Seasons 4, Episode 1 - "Playtime's Over"

Jax's mom pays him a visit...

JAX TAYLOR - This is your first time in LA!

MARIE CAUCHI, JAX'S MOM -  Second.

JAX TAYLOR - I meant besides the time you flew here to co-sign for my Hyundai Sonata and then I kicked you out so I could get a BJ from a dental assistant. 

MARIE CAUCHI -  I hope it was worth it. 

JAX TAYLOR - Eh, kind of toothy. Get it?!? **leads his mother into his apartment**

MARIE CAUCHI  - It doesn't smell as much like bloody mucus in here as I thought it would. I'm impressed.

JAX TAYLOR - Thank you. **starts pointing out his furniture**  Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware. 

MARIE CAUCHI - Did Lisa give you a raise or something? 

JAX TAYLOR - Um... not exaaaactly...

MARIE CAUCHI - So I'll be back in LA to bail you out of jail before I'm sent home on a MegaBus. 

JAX TAYLOR -  They have power outlets to charge your phone now!

Jax and his mom greet Scheana and her mom at Villa Blanca...

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!  

ERICA, SCHEANA'S MOM - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!  

LISA VANDERPUMP - Clearly, she got it from her mama. And by "it", I mean the screech of a lady frog in heat. 

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Frogs are amphibians. They don't go into heat. 

LISA VANDERPUMP -  Oh, look! Scheana knows something other than which french-cut American Apparel leotards will best stay out from between her labia. 

JAX TAYLOR - Lisa, I'd like to introduce you to my mother. 

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ah, finally I get to meet a woman Jax hasn't seen without her knickers. 

**Uncomfortable silence**  

LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, EW.

MARIE CAUCHI - **shrugs** We're a naked family. 

At Scheana's decade-themed birthday party, Ken and Lisa confront Tom S...

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - If you disrespect my wife one more time, I'll shake my hair over your soup.  

TOM SANDOVAL - Oh, I see how it is.  I have to put my dreams on hold to make your dreams come true.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Look at James. He manages to do both.

JAMES  KENNEDY - **from DJ booth** Yo yo yo, it's  DJ Beemer making all the ladies super wet! Or as wet as much as a British dude possibly can! **pours Fireball down his throat**  

LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, at least he's punctual.

Kristen arrives at the party...

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - It's my first birthday party after my WEDDING. You can't make a scene.  

KRISTEN DOUTE - I won't. I even opted out of a costume and wore this tasteful romper instead.

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Thank you. Sometimes I feel like nobody even cares that I had a WEDDING. It's like, hello? I'm MARRIED. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - Where's Shay?

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Dunno. ** drops down and makes her booty clap**

On the balcony...

TOM SANDOVAL - Any time I want to take a vacation from not showing up at work, I just look into your eyes. 

ARIANA MADIX -  I'm  DONE with Scheana. If she can't hate the same people I hate, she can eat a fat dee. 

TOM SANDOVAL - It's, like, when the real world of sleeping until 3 pm gets rough, I can go on vacation. Just by being with you. 

ARIANA MADIX - I dressed like fucking VELMA for her birthday. Velma's the UGLY one! 

TOM SANDOVAL - In fact, I'm so in vacation-mode that I'm going to jump into the pool with twelve pounds of skates tied to my feet. **jumps in the pool, drowns**

ARIANA MADIX - I mean, is it that hard to say "No, Wet Giraffe, you CAN'T come to my birthday party!" Is it???

**no answer**

ARIANA MADIX - No, it's not. 

THE END.