Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Southern Charm Recap, Season 2, Episode 2 - "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?"

At JD's restaurant Sermets...

KATHRYN CALHOUN DENNIS - Welcome, guests. Do enjoy yourselves. 

THOMAS RAVENNEL - Dude, shut up. You haven't done shit for this event.

KATHRYN CALHOUN DENNIS - You told me not to! 

THOMAS RAVENNEL - Not here, god dammit. Women I used to fuck are in attendance. **clears throat** Friends, I've gathered you all here tonight because I have an announcement to make.

SHEP ROSE - You're finally gonna buy the cow? Moo! 

CRAIG CONOVER - Planning to make an honest woman of this tramp? 

CAMERAN EUBANKS - Putting a ring on it, and by "it" I mean that swollen school marm's fat finger?

THOMAS RAVENNEL - Sorry, no to all of the above. I'm going to run against Lindsay Graham for senate and effectively wipe my asshole an hour after Kathryn's mayo salmon with hundred dollar bills.

**awkward silence**

THOMAS RAVENNEL - Hello? I'm going to be the next United States Senator from South Carolina. 

SHEP ROSE -  Good Cabernet, JD. Chewy.

Whitney practices with "his band" Rebon...

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH  - Sweet rifs, bro! 

BANDMATE I - Uh, thanks. 

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH  - But listen, homies, I gotta "bounce". 

BANDMATE II - Time for a Boniva break?

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH  - If Boniva is a really cool drug that rock stars take, then totally!  Catch you on the flip side, mothertruckers. **leaves**

BANDMATE I - Who the fuck is that old dude?

BANDMATE II - My gay uncle takes his mom to parties sometimes. She slipped me a hundo.

Patricia interviews a second potential butler at her home...

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - I require a gin martini after my third attempted bowel movement of the afternoon.

INTERVIEWING BUTLER - Oh, I can do that. My last client wanted Old Fashioneds whenever she fell in the tub.

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH  - **enters** Hello, Mother.

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - What's with the sunglasses? 

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - I'm just sooooo hungover from the crazy partying I always do.  

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL -  Well, you're a boy. You can get away with it. Miss Kathryn "Beef Curtains" Calhoun Dennis, on the other hand...

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - How do you know she has beef curtains???

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL -  Can't everyone see her fatty jowls? 

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - Oh, right, Mother. Beef Curtains.

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - So those boys in Boner Spelled Backwards are being nice to you, right? If not, I want my damn money back. 

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - Money? What money? 


INTERVIEWING BUTLER - Your gin martini, Madame.

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - Ahh, saved by Mr. Belvedere. You're hired.

Shep has a drink with Landan on her boat...

SHEP ROSE - So do you still talk to any of the old crew? Jimmy? Snacks? B-Hole Brown?


SHEP ROSE - I heard the same thing about ol' B-Hole. Damn shame. 


SHEP ROSE - Aw, man. You're bringing up your divorce again? 

LANDAN CLEMENTS - Hahahahahaha. 

SHEP ROSE - I know. But we're here for you. I'm here for you. 


DOCK WORKER - Sir, I couldn't help but overhear you conversing with this woman who does not seem to speak in words.

SHEP ROSE - She speaks fine. She's just such a "cool girl" that to the untrained ear her every word sounds like laughter. 

DOCK WORKER - How does one get that ear-training?

SHEP ROSE - You couldn't afford it, bro. 


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