Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 2 - "All Fired Up"


James and Tom continue their fight at Mixology...


TOM SANDOVAL - How dare you mock the one responsible decision I've made in 32 years??!!!!! **fight escalates**

SCHEANA MARIE - Hey, what exactly is going on here? How has the attention moved away from me on my own BIRTHDAY?

SHAY - There's, like, a fight going on.

SCHEANA MARIE - Oh yeah? Check this out. **slices her own foot with a bottle** I'm down! SCHEANA'S DOWN!

KRISTEN DOUTE - Guys, stop fighting over me! You can both take turns on the couch while the other one sleeps in the bedroom! **fight continues**

SCHEANA MARIE -Wait, really? What about meeeeeeeee? It's my BIRTHDAY!

SHAY - It's probably because people tend to stop having cash bar birthday parties for themselves after 25.

SCHEANA MARIE -What the fuck did you say to me?

SHAY -Nothing, sweet darling.  **hangs head** 

Katie approaches Lisa about Tom Schwartz after he was involved in the fight...

KATIE MALONEY - So are you going to hire Schwartz at PUMP?

LISA VANDERPUMP - I don't think so. He has the restraint of a drunk Kanye West.

KATIE MALONEY - Lisa, he needs this job! We want to get married someday!

LISA VANDERPUMP -  If the future financial success of your entire family depends on a chain of half-empty establishments employing you for non-management positions, I fear for the second half of your life.

KATIE MALONEY - He'll work shirtless.

LISA VANDERPUMP -  I'll think about it.

Jax takes Tiffani on a date...

JAX TAYLOR - The men you run with are so intimidating. They, like, have health benefits.

TIFFANI - We're definitely a high-powered crew. I got promoted to Assistant Manager of Bellagio Toilets last month.

JAX TAYLOR - I love your ambition. In fact, I love you. 

TIFFANI - What about the girl whose name you got tattooed on your arm?

JAX TAYLOR - Which one?

TIFFANI - Good point. Um... Carmen.

JAX TAYLOR - She means nothing to me. I even got her name covered with an image my tattoo artist found in Floral Design Magazine. 

TIFFANI - Ok. Let's make tentative plans to see each other once every quarter.

JAX TAYLOR - "Quarter"? Is that Assistant Manager of Toilets talk?

TIFFANI - Oh, you.

JAX TAYLOR - I'm serious. What the fuck is a quarter?

Jax meets with his other girlfriend Carmen...

JAX TAYLOR - I've decided that this is the quarter I'm going to take control of myself, and stop playing around.

CARMEN - Ooooh, quarter? I love it when you talk like a real 35-year-old.

JAX TAYLOR - That's why, Carmen, I'd like to ask you if...


JAX TAYLOR - If you'll quickly dispose of any children of mine you have growing inside you. I'm kind of over all this.

CARMEN - I can't decide whether to be more amused by losing out to a Vegas hooker or by you actually believing you haven't been sterilized by all the infections you've contracted over the past 15 years.

JAX TAYLOR - You can pick either one - just let me take home the leftover pizza.

Lisa holds a meeting to reprimand the team about the fight...

LISA VANDERPUMP - I think you've all forgotten that I am a professional, and this is a professional place of business.


LISA VANDERPUMP - And that's why I'm going to pull the professional move of scolding you in a room full of your peers.


LISA VANDERPUMP - Tom, you're suspended.

PETER MADRIGAL - Preach on, sister.

LISA VANDERPUMP -  Kristen, you're also suspended.


KRISTEN DOUTE - Like, whatever. I'm 31. I do what I want.

PETER MADRIGAL - A 31-year-old who doesn't pay for her own drinks.

JAMES KENNEDY - Hey! Having that in common is a central component of our relationship with one another.

LISA VANDERPUMP - And James - you're fired.

PETER MADRIGAL  - Ok, I just came in my pants.

JAMES KENNEDY -  I don't need this. I have a leased BMW. **leaves**

KRISTEN DOUTE - Nooooooooo! Who will I have an immature innappropriate work relationship with? **looks coyly at valet guy**

VALET GUY - Do NOT fucking try to make eye contact with me right now.

KRISTEN DOUTE - You'll come around.


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