Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 1 - "Guess Who's Coming to the White Party?"

Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle Richards

Lisa and Kyle meet for lunch at Palmeri...

RESTAURANT OWNER - I'm so excited you ladies are here with your cameras! I have so much to offer you tonight! Antipasti, pasta, secondi, frutti, dolce...

LISA VANDERPUMP - I'll take a slice of cheese and a cup of water.

KYLE RICHARDS - That sounds good. I'll have the same.


KYLE RICHARDS - You haven't called.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Neither have you.

KYLE RICHARDS - I left messages with Ken.

LISA VANDERPUMP - He can't even find his way home from the mailbox.

KYLE RICHARDS - Lisa, I want to be friends again, but you take the incendiary, hurtful things I say about you at the reunions waaaaay too personally.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Maybe I'm just not cut out for this reality show business.

RESTAURANT OWNER - Oh god, please don't turn off the cameras, PLEASE GOD NO.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Don't worry, darling. You make an excellent water.

KYLE RICHARDS - Ugh, what am I even stressing about? No matter what goes on between us, at least we're not restaurant owners, right?

LISA VANDERPUMP - **glares silently**


Brandi visits the Foster residence in Malibu...

YOLANDA FOSTER - Hi, my luff!

DAVID FOSTER - Shut the eff up, you Lyme-disease-ridden crow. I'm working on an effing MUSICAL with my important MUSIC INDUSTRY FRIENDS.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Brandi and the cameras are here.

DAVID FOSTER  - Oh. Hi, my luff. Please join us.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Can you play some music to make my skeletal limbs sway?

DAVID FOSTER - Let's not push it. I'm practically Gandhi by even letting you on my property.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Speaking of our property, there's a black dude selling tube dresses on the south end.

DAVID FOSTER Just stab him in the jugular with the sharp end of a clog. It's worked in the past.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Brandi and the cameras are here.

DAVID FOSTER - Er, I meant, give the sweet man some lemonade!

Lisa and Harry arrive at Kyle's White Party...

LISA RINNA - Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin. But you probably already knew that.

BOUNCER - Sorry, ma'am. I wasn't alive in the 80s.


BOUNCER -  I'm 22, ma'am. But I love your haircut. It looks like my Mee-Maw's.

KYLE RICHARDS - Lisa! Are you ok? What are you screaming about?

LISA RINNA - I dunno. Boobs or something. **squeezes Kyle's boobs**

KYLE RICHARDS - Well, at least have a Fat Burger, brought to you by my addict sister's daughter's fiance's family empire.

LISA RINNA - I would, but we've got to be leaving.

KYLE RICHARDS - But you only got here a minute ago.

HARRY HAMLIN - And it's been a minute too long.

LISA RINNA - He's kidding.

HARRY HAMLIN -  No, I'm not.

Kyle greets the Season 1 ladies on the dance floor...

KYLE RICHARDS - Look at you with your new -

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Dress? Oh, this old thing?

KYLE RICHARDS - I was going to say "cheeks", but, sure!

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Hey, girls! Don't ignore me and my new -

KYLE RICHARDS - Elastic orange putty doubling as skin?

ADRIENNE MALOOF I was going to say "boy toy".

LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, darlings, look at all of us, together again.

TAYLOR ARMSTONG - It's as if Russell never killed himself and I never went on "Couples Therapy with Doctor Jen."

CAMILLE GRAMMER - All of us together again, except...


KYLE RICHARDS - "Where's Kim?" Oh, listen to me, quoting one of her neglected first-name-basis children.

KIM RICHARDS - Here I am! Plucked from the jaws of that murderous beast!


KIM RICHARDS - No, meth-face Ken from season one.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Now that we're all here I can body roll! Body roll, body roll, body roll.

MALOOF BOY TOY - Aw hell yeah.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Get the fuck away from her.

MALOOF BOY TOY - Sorry. Her cheeks confused my penis.

Brandi contemplates approaching the Seasons 1 ladies...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Look at them, over there excluding me. I'm going to just sit on my droopy ass and think about "Can't Fight The Moonlight."

GAY HANGER-ON I - You need to be assertive out there!

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I don't want to. I just want to suck on a chipped-tooth in Portia's room.

GAY HANGER-ON II - C'mon. Do you think Stassi got a spinoff by being a shrinking violet?

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  Wait - Stassi got a spinoff?

GAY HANGER-ON II - Um - maybe? I think so?

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  Well, then, fine. I'm going to go up to those woman, and - and - SAY HELLO!

GAY HANGER-ON II - Do it, girlfriend! **snaps**




GAY HANGER-ON I -  See, girlfriend? You can do anything you put your mind to!

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  Did you see that 78-year-old roll her eyes at me?

GAY HANGER-ON II  - Ooooh, sick burn.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I know. I'd die before I'd let myself be old.

To be continued...

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