Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 4 - "Jax Nose Best"

Jax Taylor
Jax meets Tom and Tom in an alley...

JAX TAYLOR - Whatcha doin'?

TOM SANDOVAL - Drinking beers in the alley.

JAX TAYLOR -  Oh man. That is sooooo 5th grade.

TOM SANDOVAL -  We gotta loosen up to prepare for the pre-cosmetic procedure cosmetic procedure.

TOM SCHWARTZ - I can't believe we're getting our eyebrows threaded. That's, like, girly. **straightens his cowlneck sweater**

TOM SANDOVAL - If being celebrated for your beauty is girly, then call me JonBenet Ramsey. **they enter the eyebrow facility**

TOM SCHWARTZ - Hey, look! My former PUMP co-worker is a receptionist here!

RECEPTIONIST - That's right. I have three jobs, because working hard is essential to being a responsible adult.

TOM SCHWARTZ - That's, um, cool. **gulps**

Katie comes home from work...

KATIE MALONEY -  What are you doing home so early, and wearing capris?

TOM SCHWARTZ - I quit PUMP so I could nurse Jax back to health.

KATIE MALONEY -  I wouldn't call three different strains of dormant venereal diseases "health."

TOM SCHWARTZ -Ok. I got a panic attack and walked off the job.

KATIE MALONEY -  What?!? I talked to Lisa two times to get you that job!

TOM SCHWARTZ - Did you know there are THREE kinds of Budweisers on tap? How the hell can anybody keep that straight?

KATIE MALONEY -  Tom, I thought we were going to get married and have a family.

TOM SCHWARTZ - We can still do those things. I'll launch a Pinterest account and say on Facebook that my job is "CEO of the Schwartz Family."

KATIE MALONEY - Look at Stassi's boyfriend. He has a career. 

TOM SCHWARTZ - I would look at Stassi's boyfriend, but he's refused to associate with this dung heap of a show.

KATIE MALONEY - At least wash your PUMP shirts before you return them to Lisa. Can you do that?

TOM SCHWARTZ - Of course. I'm not an animal.

Lisa has dinner with Lance Bass...

PETER MADRIGAL - I hate to interrupt, but I love your backup vocals on "This I Promise You." And I totally thought you made the best puppet.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Peter - you're creeping everybody out.

PETER MADRIGAL - Oh... sorry. Lisa, James is out back and would like to speak to you.


PETER MADRIGAL - You never wrote back to his letter.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Jesus christ. Tell that little shit he can return to urinal duty as long as he stops talking to Kristen and cuts his Slim Jim-hair.

PETER MADRIGAL - Will do. And Lance -  they should have let you go to space.

After Jax's nose job, he lays in the recovery room...

JAX TAYLOR - Wooo, new nose in the hoouuuuuuuuzzzzzee. **grabs nurse's breast** HONK HONK.

TOM SCHWARTZ - Don't worry. He'd do that anyway.

JAX TAYLOR  - Take me home. You're the only one who can save me.

TOM SCHWARTZ -**starts to cry** I love feeling needed.

JAX TAYLOR  - Always and forever, Mommy.

TOM SCHWARTZ -**looks down** It's gotta be the cowlneck.

At the OK Magazine party...

TOM SANDOVAL - Whoever picks the lowest card has to go sit with the Loser Table for five minutes.

KRISTINA  - I can't tell you how thrilled I am to finally be on this side of the game.

STASSI SCHROEDER **picks lowest card** Here I go. If I don't come back in ten minutes, send a camera crew to find me.

SCHEANA MARIE - **makes room for Stassi** Oh, hi! We've been talking about your fantastic skirt.



**awkward silence**

KRISTEN DOUTE - So, Jax got a nose job. Remember Jax? Your ex-boyfriend who I slept with two times?

STASSI SCHROEDER - Oh, look - Mason Disick is here. **darts away**

To be continued...

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