Thursday, February 26, 2015

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Season 3, Episode 1 - "Miracle and Javonni"

Nev and Twitter enthusiast Charlamagne skype with Miracle...

MIRACLE - Hi. I am named Miracle and I'm from Milwaukee.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Funny, I would consider it a miracle to not be from Milwaukee. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Shut up. It's cool here. 


MIRACLE - The real miracle is that my mom thought her baby bump was crack constipation, and then I come out looking like Keisha Knight Pulliam. 

NEV SCHULMAN - So tell us about Javonni.

MIRACLE - Well, he's in the "music industry".

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I like how you already added the quotes around that so we didn't have to. 

NEV SCHULMAN - **starts to cry** This is where Max would have really lost his shit. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Keep it together, Nev.

NEV SCHULMAN I just... miss him. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - He's with Zach Efron now.

NEV SCHULMAN - **wails harder** Not... **sobs** helping...

After "research", Nev and Carlamagne go to Miracle's place...

NEV SCHULMAN - That was a rough day of reverse Google-image searching.

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Tell me about it. My phalanges have turned to jelly. 

MIRACLE So? Are you gonna tell me the results or are you just going to stare at my daughter's sneaker collection?


MIRACLE That's fine.

They drive to "Rickie Witherspoon's" house...

NEV SCHULMAN - Are you Javonni?


NEV SCHULMAN - Why don't you tell us first? 

RICKIE WITHERSPOON -  Just come inside. 

MIRACLE  Maybe we shouldn't, Nev. Jeffrey Dahmer lived in Milwaukee.

NEV SCHULMAN - I'm from New York. I don't know your local "celebrities".

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I know I often say I want to get eaten, but this isn't what I meant. 


Rickey leads them to his wife...

KARA - Hi. I have lupus. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Quite an introduction.

KARA - And I'm Javonni.


MIRACLE -To be honest,  I'd rather it be you than him. **points to Rickie** 

RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Damn.  That stings. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Why'd you do it? 

KARA - Well, my friend's wife was cheating so I made a fake profile to catch her but then I became popular and starting flirting with every Tom Dick and Dianne and then - 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I'm sorry I asked.

MIRACLE How could you do this to me? I work for the state!

KARA - So does Scott Walker.  Don't flatter yourself.

The next day, they meet with Kara...

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Are you, like, a lesbian? 

NEV SCHULMAN - **starts to cry** That is so a Max question.

KARA - I've always been curious about women.  

MIRACLE That explains your husband's luscious breasts.


MIRACLE Well, I guess we can still be friends.

KARA - Friends who have phone sex that eventually progresses into in-person sex?


KARA - Ok, ok. Just checking.


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