Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 11 - "Tears Over Miami"

Jax Taylor

The boys wake up after a crazy night at Scheana and Shay's bachelor/bachelorette party...

TOM SANDOVAL - That was quite a night. **montage of blumpkins, midget fondling, taint licking.**

JAX TAYLOR - Sure was. I still have goat semen on my shoes.

TOM SANDOVAL - You'd better clean up if we're going to see John tonight.

JAX TAYLOR - John? The DuPont to my Mark Schultz?

TOM SANDOVAL - Jax, you know I haven't seen a movie since FernGully. 

TOM SCHWARTZ - Hey, is this the guy you let go down on -

JAX TAYLOR - Bro code, Schwartz! Bro code.

TOM SCHWARTZ -  The term "bro code" really evolves with each passing day.

Ariana and Tom take a cab to the restaurant...

ARIANA MADIX - I haven't eaten in three days.

TOM SANDOVAL - I guess you've forgotten what you did with that goat.

ARIANA MADIX - I'm just so anxious. **starts to cry** Being on a reality show and having cameras tape your reaction to muttered barbs is... so... hard....

TOM SANDOVAL - My sweet, precious angel! I can't stand to see you in such turmoil!

ARIANA MADIX - Now I know how Joan of Arc felt.

TOM SANDOVAL - Yes. Most definitely.

ARIANA MADIX - Or maybe even the Blessed Virgin Mary.

TOM SANDOVAL - It gets better, babe. Someday you may even get to go on Watch What Happens Live.

ARIANA MADIX - You really think so?

TOM SANDOVAL - Sure. If they've had Oprah, why not you?

ARIANA MADIX - You're so right. Thank you, babe.

Stassi visits Lisa at SUR...

STASSI SCHROEDER - And sometimes during my shift I would hide EJ Gallo in my anal cavity, and push it out slowly while standing in the corner. Crazy, right?

LISA VANDERPUMP -  I guess I can expect another visit from the Department of Health soon.

STASSI SCHROEDER - I'm just so glad I've finally grown up and become an adult.

LISA VANDERPUMP -  So are you going to patch things up with Katie?

STASSI SCHROEDER - That loser doesn't do whatever I tell her to anymore, so fuck her.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Very mature.

STASSI SCHROEDER - I mooch off of my significant other while he watches me get fat. That's maturity in the ol' US of A.

LISA VANDERPUMP - I can't say you don't have a point.

Jax and John talk at the club...

JAX TAYLOR - I just want you to know that you've made me all I am.

JOHN THE MODELING SCOUT - A sex addict bartender?

JAX TAYLOR - Whose dad still pays his car insurance.

JOHN THE MODELING SCOUT -  That's a real accomplishment past the age of 25. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

JAX TAYLOR - I've missed you.

JOHN THE MODELING SCOUT  - I've missed you, too. The way you smell. The way you clean the pool in a lavender thong while I sip Prosecco and watch. The way you used to pose nude over streams. The way you... the way you...

JAX TAYLOR - Don't say it. Let's just remember that part in our minds. **they stand in silence and remember in their minds**

JOHN THE MODELING SCOUT  - You're still my Jason.

JAX TAYLOR - Here's my cable bill, if you wouldn't mind.

JOHN THE MODELING SCOUT  - It would be my pleasure.

At  Dolce Miami, the group gathers for dinner....

ARIANA MADIX - Look! I'm eating!

TOM SANDOVAL - I'M SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU!!!!! **makes out with her at the table**

KRISTEN DOUTE - Are these two for real?

JAMES KENNEDY - As real as my feelings for you, sweetheart. **touches her arm**

KRISTEN DOUTE - **pushes his hand away** Don't touch me.

TOM SANDOVAL - Kristen, will you join me outside? I've finally come up for air.


JAMES KENNEDY -  **calls after her** Don't forget about our wild sex and my relatively big penis, Kristen!!!!!!

KRISTEN DOUTE -  Ugh, stupid what's-his-name. So damn British all the time.

TOM SANDOVAL - Kristen, I'm here to tell you that I want you to be happy.

KRISTEN DOUTE -  I want to get back together, too!

TOM SANDOVAL - No, I just want us to be on good terms -

KRISTEN DOUTE - I hate my new partner, too!

TOM SANDOVAL - No, Kristen. **starts to cry** I used to want to spend the rest of my life with you -

KRISTEN DOUTE -  And you still do? Woooo! When am I moving back in to the dung heap?

TOM SANDOVAL - Ok, I give up. **walks away**

KRISTEN DOUTE -  Good thing I never officially changed my address with the post office!

The end.

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