Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 10 - "Bachelorette Beach Party"

Scheana Marie & Co.

In Miami, the gang retreats to their hotel's rooftop...

ARIANA MADIX - That was a wild afternoon of body rolling while having wine poured over my stomach. 

TOM SANDOVAL - It's like I knew you wanted to have wine poured over your stomach that very second. We're so connected. 


VAIL BLOOM - Aw, I think it's sweet. 

JAX TAYLOR - You know what's sweet? Creating a contest between your girlfriend and a chick you used to fuck to see which one wins a free trip to Miami. 

VAIL BLOOM - I knew you were a good guy. And my judgement is never wrong. **rubs her coke-induced perforated septum**. 

JAX TAYLOR - Why don't I help you to bed? I can wiggle my wiener for you through the frosted glass. 

VAIL BLOOM - Or you can wiggle your wiener without the frosted glass. 

JAX TAYLOR -  Naughty, naughty. 

At Shay's Bachelor Dinner...

MICHAEL SHAY - Dudes, I've decided to speak for the very first time, here tonight in this restaurant.

TOM SANDOVAL - Jax "railed the shit" out of a girl in the bathroom in San Diego.

JAX TAYLOR -  Excuse me, I did not "rail the shit" out of anybody in San Diego. And I find your waste-related terminology disgusting.

MICHAEL SHAY - Hello? I've finally found my voice.

TOM SANDOVAL - I was there, Jax. Watching. Wanting very badly to participate. 

JAX TAYLOR - Step to me and I'll reveal all your dirty laundry to everybody.

TOM SANDOVAL - It would take you all year to reveal my dirty laundry. Have you seen my apartment? 

TOM SCHWARTZ - Guys, please. Let's try to maintain our friendships, if only for the sake of keeping our girlfriends in the dark about our cheating habits. 

MICHAEL SHAY - Happy Bachelor Party to me, I guess. **pretends to blow out candles, even though it is not a birthday party**

TOM SANDOVAL - You totally railed the shit out of her, bro. 

At Scheana's Bachelorette Dinner...

KRISTEN DOUTE - I just got a text from James, everybody! 

SCHEANA MARIE - Can you not create drama while I'm signing pimpled asses, please? It's my BACHELORETTE PARTY. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - Sorry. I'll just keep it to myself and smile smugly. **smiles smugly** And now I'm off to the bathroom to smile smugly on the toilet. 

VAIL BLOOM - Watch this, guys. **checks Kristen's phone**

SCHEANA MARIE -  She's doing it! She's checking Kristen's phone!

KATIE MALONEY  -This level of daring is on par with Scheana's granny-panty bathing suit! 

VAIL BLOOM - This is gonna be unbelievable. It's almost as thrilling as snorting a shitload of coke! **reads texts aloud** "Kristen, you used all the dry shampoo. Please buy another bottle at Ride Aid tonight." 

KRISTEN DOUTE - I'm back. In addition to smiling smugly, I took a shit. 

SCHEANA MARIE - Nothing else to report? 

KRISTEN DOUTE - It was a clean wipe. Two-plyer. 

SCHEANA MARIE - Nothing else?


SCHEANA MARIE - Iiiiiinteresting....

To be continued...

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