Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 7 - "New Girl, Old Grudges"

Katie Maloney

Katie drowns her sorrows at Stassi's apartment...

KATIE MALONEY - I'm gonna Cholula-fuck this pizza, and then forget about Tom forever.

TOM SCHWARTZ - **enters** Hi. I brought tulips.

KATIE MALONEY - God damn it.

STASSI SCHROEDER - GTFO, cheater. I mean, who makes out with people?

TOM SCHWARTZ - Most people make out with people.

STASSI SCHROEDER - You're making jokes? At a time like this?

TOM SCHWARTZ - Just trying to lighten the mood in this bleached sanatorium of a dwelling.

STASSI SCHROEDER -Now you've gone too far. This is a NICE APARTMENT.

TOM SCHWARTZ - Fine. I'll just leave this tulip here. For my bubba. **leaves**

KATIE MALONEY - Aw. That was kind of sweet.

STASSI SCHROEDER - I can't believe you're going to take this shit from him!

KATIE MALONEY - If we break up, people won't exactly be lining up outside my door.

STASSI SCHROEDER - Sure they will. Look at me and Patrick!

KATIE MALONEY - Oh, yeah. Patrick. Will we ever get to meet him?

STASSI SCHROEDER - He's, um, on vacation. In Canada.

Vail approaches Jax at the SUR bar...

VAIL BLOOM -  Hi. I'm here for an interview with Lisa Vanderpump.

JAX TAYLOR - **looks down at her jeans** You really dressed up for the occasion, huh?

VAIL BLOOM -  Yes. My usual attire is "Drug Addict Kicked Off  The Young and The Restless Chic."

LISA VANDERPUMP  - **enters** Hello. You must be Vail.

VAIL BLOOM -  I am Vail, but there was a time I wasn't quite sure. You see, I was a drug addict, kicked off of The "Young and the Restless".

LISA VANDERPUMP  - Geez. Save a little something for the interview.

VAIL BLOOM - Oh, I will. I have a 40-minute story about how I scored smack off the midget from "Passions".

LISA VANDERPUMP - I... can't wait to hear it. **takes Vail to the office**

JAX TAYLOR -  Yep. I'm going to sleep with her.

Kristen primps for her meeting with Tom Sandoval at James's apartment...

KRISTEN DOUTE - Do you have a towel I can rest my curling iron on while I tuck in these chicken cutlets?

JAMES KENNEDY - Uh... yeah. Here you go.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Thanks. What do you think of this eyeliner? It's from the Salma Hayek collection at CVS.

JAMES KENNEDY -  Wow. Pretty fancy.


JAMES KENNEDY - You never wear anything from the Salma Hayek collection when it's just me and you. Or chicken cutlets.

KRISTEN DOUTE - That would be ridiculous. Chicken cutlets can't withstand vigorous bikini carwashes.

JAMES KENNEDY - You're right. I'm sorry for being suspicious.

KRISTEN DOUTE - It's ok. Hey, can I borrow a few condoms? Just in case.

JAMES KENNEDY - Condoms? But why would you need -


JAMES KENNEDY - Ok, ok. Here.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Thanks. Bye!

Kristen arrives at Tom Sandoval's shit box..

KRISTEN DOUTE - I'm here. To get my mail.

TOM SANDOVAL - Here. **hands her bag of mail**

KRISTEN DOUTE - Can't I come in? I have to go through each piece to make sure it's really addressed to me.

TOM SANDOVAL - They all are. I put them in a separate bag if they had your name on it. If the envelope had my name on it, I opened it.

KRISTEN DOUTE - That sounds pretty complex. I better just come in, just to make sure.

TOM SCHWARTZ -  Hey, Kristen. Nice flapjacks.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Oh, your security guard is here, I see.

TOM SCHWARTZ -  Security guard? If you thought bartending gave me anxiety...

KRISTEN DOUTE - What a waste of a titty dress and fuck-me heels.

TOM SANDOVAL - It's cool. We can still do it with Schwartz here.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Really? I was hoping you'd say that, because I'm cool with that, too.

TOM SANDOVAL - No, not really, idiot. I have a new girlfriend, and I hate you!

KRISTEN DOUTE - **starts to cry** She's not right for you. You need someone whose old cigarette smell lingers long after she's left the room.

TOM SANDOVAL -Trust me, it still lingers.



KRISTEN DOUTE - Oh, shit. I meant, "Pookie".


KRISTEN DOUTE - Fuck. Tom. Tom.

TOM SANDOVAL - Please leave and take your mail with you.

KRISTEN DOUTE - **opens bag** Sweet. Sephora Insiders coupon.  **leaves**

The end.

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