Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 12 - "A Stand Against Stassi"

Kristen Doute.

Kristen and James go to lunch...

WAITRESS - What kind of toppings on your pizza, sir?

KRISTEN DOUTE - It's "Miss". Surprise me. If you picked it, I'll love it.

WAITRESS - Aw. Has anybody ever told you that you have the charm of a braying rabid donkey?

KRISTEN DOUTE - Every day. **to James** So, I talked to Miami Girl. She's gonna be in town next week.

JAMES KENNEDY - The track I'm making for Scheana is pretty dope, mate. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - I can't wait for her to confront Tom at SUR in front of everybody.

JAMES KENNEDY - It's some of my best work. Even better than the Bar Mitzvah intro I made for my chiropractor's son.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Then Ariana's going to dump him and he'll sprint back to my sagging bosom.

JAMES KENNEDY - Scheana's porn rap really elevates it to "Barbie Girl" status. Move aside, Aqua.

KRISTEN DOUTE - He'll ask to do it on the couch I fucked Jax on, and I'll be happy to oblige. 

JAMES KENNEDY - I have to find a way to take a Beemer selfie that accounts for the beats coming out of my system. Maybe I'll use Microsoft Paint to draw in some musical notes. 

WAITRESS - **serves the food** Has anybody ever told you guys that your complete indifference to one another makes your relationship of convenience almost enviable?

KRISTEN DOUTE - Every day. 

Peter takes Vail on a date...

 **to waitress** We'll have a bottle of wine.


Right. This is a wine bar. It's even called "The Wine Bar."

VAIL BLOOM - I thought this was a coffee date.

PETER MADRIGAL -If we planned to meet at Starbucks, I could see how you would reach that conclusion.

VAIL BLOOM  - Hey, Mister. Don't you forget that I went to Princeton.

PETER MADRIGAL - Did you acquire a degree there, or just that thing on your lip?

VAIL BLOOM  - Both. It was a productive seven years.

Well, let's toast. To cleaning your sheets with Lysol once every fiscal quarter.

-To cleaning your sh - wait, what? 

Jax meets up with Carmen...

JAX TAYLOR - You're the best sex I've ever had. 

CARMEN DICKMAN -  You're not bad yourself, despite your penis dangling from a diseased thread.

JAX TAYLOR - Hey, that thread allows me to experiment in some interesting ways.

CARMEN DICKMAN -  Well, I guess we'll see each other at the Annoying-Boring wedding.

JAX TAYLOR - If you're not bringing anyone, and I'm not bringing anyone...

CARMEN DICKMAN -  I think I'd prefer to go stag, thanks.

JAX TAYLOR - I was actually going to suggest we each bring a homeless person and then have a foursome later on in the evening.

CARMEN DICKMAN -  Never change, Jax.

JAX TAYLOR - I never do. **forwards his credit card bill to his dad**

Stassi meets with Katie...

STASSI SCHROEDER - You strayed from the party line, and I can never forget that.

KATIE MALONEY - Please don't make political metaphors. It won't end well.

STASSI SCHROEDER -  Katie, I'm mature now. I wear Duggar-length hemlines, and toss aside bitches who ain't loyal.

KATIE MALONEY -  I can still be your friend and go to events affiliated with the Annoying-Boring wedding. Those things aren't mutually exclusive.

STASSI SCHROEDER -  Yes, they are, you ingrate. I can't believe I waxed my asshole while you watched.

KATIE MALONEY -  Me neither. That shit took up the better part of an afternoon. 

STASSI SCHROEDER -  **starts to cry** I guess it's just me and my boyfriend now. 

KATIE MALONEY -  So... it's just you? 


KATIE MALONEY -  Sure. Just like Jax's clean bill of health from the clinic is real.

To be continued....

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