Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 13 - "Miami Vices"

Miami Girl.

Kristen meets with AnneMarie at a wine bar...

KRISTEN DOUTE - A HUGE glass of Sauvignon Blanc, please.

SERVER - All our glasses are the same size.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Ugh, fine. A regular-sized glass. **to AnneMarie** Jesus, what does a girl have to do to prove she's in a stressful situation around here?

ANNEMARIE KUNKEL - I usually just try to squint. **tries to Botox-squint**

KRISTEN DOUTE - Yikes. Please stop.


KRISTEN DOUTE - I'm so glad you're here to make Tom fall back in love with me and let me move back into his shit box - er, I mean, to help clear your name. Yeah.

ANNEMARIE KUNKEL - Thank you. I am a very morally upstanding South Floridian, and I deserve to be seen as such.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Well, you should come to SUR during Tom's shift and put his employment on the line. That'll show the world that you're a good person.

ANNEMARIE KUNKEL - Done! **tries to smile** Ow.

Jax and Tom Schwartz hang out at a bar...

JAX TAYLOR - It's like, you and I will go to Wal-Mart, and then come home at 4 in the morning with a gallon of Equate moisturizer and mulch.

TOM SCHWARTZ - HA! That is just so us.

JAX TAYLOR - Crazy times. Imagine what kind of shit we could get into at Target!

TOM SCHWARTZ - Archer Farms - hide your kids, hide your wife!

JAX TAYLOR - HA!  **uncomfortable silence**

TOM SCHWARTZ - **takes a sip of his drink**

JAX TAYLOR - So... Um... **twiddles his thumbs**

TOM SCHWARTZ - Look! Katie is here to pick us up. Thank god.

JAX TAYLOR - Phew. **the bestest of friends leave the bar**

Annemarie approaches Tom at SUR...

ANNEMARIE KUNKEL -  I'll take a cosmo, please.

TOM SANDOVAL - Coming right up, Miss Bradshaw. **looks up** HEY! You're not a real customer!


TOM SANDOVAL -  I wasted a perfectly good piece of Sex and the City banter on you!

ANNEMARIE KUNKEL - I deserve answers, Tom.

TOM SANDOVAL -  Answers to what?

ANNEMARIE KUNKEL - Answers to why I had to contact Kristen regarding a guest spot on this show. I should have gotten it straight from you! What's the point of even sleeping with a reality star if they're not even gonna -

TOM SANDOVAL -  I've heard enough. Mohammed is here to pick me up. **leaves in an Uber with Ariana** 

On the SUR patio...

KRISTEN DOUTE - What a loser! He can't even discuss his infidelity in front of his girlfriend and co-workers and camera crew while on the clock?

ANNEMARIE KUNKEL - Total loser. If that's the kind of respect a half-Asian half-Ginger-looking girl gets in this town, I can't wait to drive back to Miami.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Oh, um, Bravo said they'd reimburse you for a flight... I'll contact HR.



KRISTEN DOUTE - Sorry, I forgot that all conflicts halt seven days before someone in a two-piece white dress dances on a table. Somebody tell ISIS.

SCHEANA MARIE - Ariana is my bridesmaid! If she's emotionally drained, how is she going to eat dinner at a big table while people watch?!?!


SCHEANA MARIE - Oh, nice to meet you. Wait - I don't want to shake your hand if it's been inside Tom's anus.

KRISTEN DOUTE - You've shaken my hand.

SCHEANA MARIE -  Ew, gross!

DIANA, THE MANAGERESS - Can you guys stop talking about anuses? The customers can hear you.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Eat a dick, Diana!

DIANA, THE MANAGERESS - Dicks, too, People are trying to pretend they're here to enjoy their meals. **"customer" in back ground waves and flicks his tongue through his fingers**

KRISTEN DOUTE - Like that guy?

DIANA, THE MANAGERESS - I'm the manageress, Kristen. The managerESS.

To be continued...

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