Monday, December 8, 2014

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 1 - "Larry Birkhead and Melyssa Ford"

Patti Stanger and Melyssa Ford

Patti meets with Melyssa Ford...

PATTI STANGER - So is this what a Video Vixen does when her nipples start to point south? Appears on two Bravo reality shows?

MELYSSA FORD - Three, if "Top Chef: Grilled Cheese Experts" moves forward.

PATTI STANGER - If I know Andy Cohen, it will.

MELYSSA FORD - Well, Patti, I'm looking for a crayon. A tall crayon.

PATTI STANGER - You came to the right place. I can even get you one with a functioning penis.

MELYSSA FORD - You're a true professional.

PATTI STANGER -You know it.

DAVID CRUZ, PATTI'S ASSISTANT - Patti, the unemployment office called regarding Marisa from last season. She wants her checks.

PATTI STANGER - Fuck that.

DAVID CRUZ, PATTI'S ASSISTANT - But as a "true professional", you -

PATTI STANGER - Shut up. You're working through your break today.

Patti meets with Larry Birkhead...

PATTI STANGER - Whoa, you're still alive? I assumed after Anna Nicole bit it at the Hard Rock Seminole Casino, you'd be close behind.

LARRY BIRKHEAD - Still kickin', still wearin' necklaces.

PATTI STANGER - How's Dannielynn?

LARRY BIRKHEAD - As good as someone named Dannielynn can possibly be.

PATTI STANGER - So what do you look for in a woman, Lar?

LARRY BIRKHEAD - Anybody who's gone through a hot paternity suit is a-ok by me. Through my ordeal, I learned that the science of DNA really gets me hard.

PATTI STANGER - Um... I'll see what I can do.

Patti and Larry role play in preparation for his blind date...

PATTI STANGER - Practice on me.

LARRY BIRKHEAD - Do you.... like art?

PATTI STANGER - No, I mean really PRACTICE. I haven't gotten any in a long time. **unbuttons her shirt**


PATTI STANGER - Just kidding. **buttons up, whispers** But I'm not kidding. Menopause is still at least six months away.

Melyssa meets men at the mixer...

PATTI STANGER - Remember what that old bat told you. Focus on your virtue, and not your sexuality.

MELYSSA FORD - Virtue? I don't even know what that word means.

PATTI STANGER - It means wear a turtleneck, pretty much.

MELYSSA FORD - **enters mixer** Hi, boys! You all like milkshakes? And yards? **twerks**


MELYSSA FORD - Sorry. It's, like, second nature.

JAY - I actually DO like milkshakes. And yards, too.

MELYSSA FORD - I'll take this one, Patty.

OLD CANADIAN DUDE - But what aboot me, eh? I'm from Calgary. Poutine, eh?

MELYSSA FORD - Hmmm... tempting.

PATTI STANGER - He couldn't get it up even if he was involved in a hot paternity suit.

LARRY BIRKHEAD  - Did somebody call me?

PATTI STANGER - Down, Larry. Down.

Larry approaches strangers at Universal Studios...

LARRY BIRKHEAD - Hey, you must be my date!

RANDO ASIAN CHICK - What was the description of your date?

LARRY BIRKHEAD - Flower top. Shorts.

RANDO ASIAN CHICK - We're in a 90s revival period in fucking Southern California. Good luck with that.

LARRY BIRKHEAD - Hey, you must be my date!

MICHELLE - Larry Birkhead?!? Oh shit. No, sir, I'm not your date.

LARRY BIRKHEAD - But there are cameras following you, and -

MICHELLE - Damn it. You got me. I was a bit turned off that you've been on more tabloid covers than Kris Jenner.

LARRY BIRKHEAD - I was just fighting to keep my daughter. That's all.

MICHELLE - Um... do you have a massive boner right now??

LARRY BIRKHEAD - Sorry. All this paternity talk...

**they ride the Universal Studios tram and Lady and the Tramp each other all night**

Melyssa and Jay hang out on the patio for their date...

MELYSSA FORD - I miss my dad everyday. **sucks on phallic cigar**

JAY - I bet you do, girl. I bet you do.

MELYSSA FORD - Well, thanks for a great date. You were really listening when I said I like bowling, cigars, and the vocal stylings of Cleveland Brown from Family Guy. 

JAY - Wait, that's it? No twerking? No booty bouncing? No pouring champagne over yourself?

MELYSSA FORD - I'm a new person now. That old bat told me to lead with my mind.

JAY - How about a french kiss, at least?


JAY - Fuck Dr. Pat Allen.


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