Tuesday, August 15, 2023

90 Day: The Last Resort, Episode 1 - The Last Chance

The therapists introduce the couples...

THERAPIST LADY - Let's find out why you're all here. 

THERAPIST DUDE - Besides a free vacation to the third most-visited island in the western portion of the Florida Keys, am I right? HAHAHAHAHA! **nobody laughs**

YARA - Chovy and me have a problem. Big problem.

JOVI - When I eat her borscht my canines swell to twice their original size.

ANGELA - Damn. That's big. 

YARA - Yes, there is that.  But it's more that you want another baby.

JOVI - What's the big deal? Ween goes in, baby comes out, you do everything to care for baby while I scuba dive in another continent for four months at a time.

YARA - Chovy does not understand that I need time after healing from some very minor outpatient surgery. 

BIG ED - **stares at Yara's chest**  Not so minor anymore. 

THERAPIST LADY - On behalf of Warner Brothers legal team, let's change the subject immediately. 

The focus turns to Kalani and Asuelu...

THERAPIST LADY - Kalani, what's your beef with Asuelu?

KALANI - More like ROAST beef. Asuelu got a yeastie from a Polynesian poonunners.

MOLLY - Oh no. Oh no.

KELLY - I think I feel my conch fritter coming back up.

LIZ - My ears. 

JOVI - My teeth. 

BIG ED - **whispers in Asuelu's ear**

ASUELU - I was conducting tests on whether the probiotics in frozen yogurt samples have a negative effect on vaginal health.

KALANI - Hey Semi-Cyrano. I know my simple husband could never come up with that excuse on his own.

BIG ED - I tried.

KALANI - Asuelu gave me a hall pass. I met a guy on social media and we kissed.

THERAPIST DUDE  - that's not so bad.

KALANI then we did oral.

THERAPIST LADY - I mean ... could be worse! 

KALANI - Then we did vaginal

THERAPIST DUDE  - Well, we can still get past that.

KALANI - Then we did anal.


KALANI - Then we did astral.

THERAPIST DUDE  - ok, I've never even heard of that 

KALANI - Then we did - 

THERAPIST LADY - THANK YOU, Kalani, for your candor. Extreme, explicit, sometimes disgusting candor. 

ASUELU  - Was he better than me?

KALANI I don't think you want the answer to that.

ASUELU - Please tell me.

KALANI Yes. In every way humanly possible.

ASUELU - **bursts into tears**

THERAPIST DUDE - Let it out, buddy. **rubs Asuelu's back** Straight from the boohole. 

The focus turns to Molly and Kelly...

MOLLY - Kelly used to have a job up in New York. Then he moved to Atlanta, and now he's always talkin' 'bout what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.

THERAPIST DUDE - Did you just... quote TLC's No Scrubs?

MOLLY - **proudly** Yes. Yes, I did. 

KELLY - None of that is true! I'm up in her titty shop on the daily sorting underwires by color!

THERAPIST LADY  - Is that true, Molly? Is he up in your titty shop on the daily sorting underwires by color?


**awkward silence**

THERAPIST DUDE - I don't know if this one can be saved, to be honest.

The focus turns to Big Ed and Liz...

BIG ED - We are moving to Arkansas. 

THERAPIST DUDE - I agree that that's a valid reason to seek therapy. 

The focus turns to Angela...

THERAPIST LADY - Angela, you're here alone. This is a couples retreat.

ANGELA - not totally alone. I brought divorce papers.

THERAPIST DUDE  - Divorce papers are not a person.

ANGELA - What about an iPad with a person FaceTiming from it?


ANGELA - What about a picture of Michael doing the BJ for real in a Toyota Corolla in an alley in Lagos?

THERAPIST LADY  - More compelling. But still no.

ANGELA - Can I stay if I start shit with other cast members?

THERAPIST LADY - Girl, yes. Jesus. Lead with that next time.


Tuesday, June 21, 2022

Jeopardy Recap - June 21, 2022 - Megan, Rob, and Jenny

MAYIM BIALIK - Good afternoon! In honor of Juneteenth, I'm wearing old curtains in the style of Miss Scarlett O'Hara!

JENNY - Didn't she, like, own slaves?

ROB - And wasn't Juneteenth two days ago? 

MAYIM - I'd expect that kind of woke-ism from budget Paris Geller over there, but from you, Rob? People your age are supposed to be blaming Biden for gas prices on Facebook. 

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim, I've gotten word from Wardrobe that they don't want to take responsibility for the outfit you chose today. 

MAYIM - Oh great. Wardrobe are libtards, too?

PRODUCER MICHAEL - They're saying it's because it's ugly.  

MAYIM - Ahem. Moving on. The first category is Children's Books. 

MEGAN - What is War and Peace?

MAYIM - That's not a children's book.

MEGAN - For me, it was. 

JENNY - **under breath** Fucking nerd. 

MEGAN - I heard that. 

MAYIM - Next up - black women! 

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Oh god, this could go so terribly wrong.

MAYIM - **shows photo of Tamron Hall** Who is this black woman?

MEGAN - Rosa Parks? 

PRODUCER MICHAEL - I want to die. 

MAYIM - Even I know it's probably best to move on. The category is Transplants. This St. Louis-born singer, dancer and actress lived in France. 

MEGAN - Maya Angelou. 


MEGAN - Toni Morrison

MAYIM - The category isn't even black women anymore! Stop guessing random black women!

JENNY - You've got a problem hearing the names of black women? 

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Missing Mike Richards more and more by the second. 

MAYIM - Let's meet our contestants. Rob, you look like a cross between Ric Okasek and Richard Belzer.

ROB - Is... that a question?

MAYIM - Nope! Jenny, you are a preschool teacher. Isn't that INTERESTING!?

JENNY - I feel like you're mocking me.

MAYIM - Would a neuroscientist mock a professional ass-wiper of our impressionable, incontinent youth? 

MEGAN- Can you ask a question now that proves I know who Zendaya is? 

MAYIM - We'd save a lot of time if you'd just buy a box of Nice N' Easy in Nutmeg. 

JENNY - Can we wrap this up? I've experienced enough ageism, racism and classism for one nationally-televised day.

MAYIM - What I wouldn't give to change places with Richard Dawson right now. And he's dead. Final Jeopardy category is Geography Words.

ROB - It better be isthmus. I love to say isthmus.

MAYIM - It's not isthmus. 

JENNY - Avuncular? 

MAYIM - ... No.

MEGAN- Archipelago!

MAYIM - Yes! You've now beaten Rob by two dollars, the amount of money Richard Dawson used to slip pretty moms and aunts to rub on their fannies under the bright Survey lights. 

ROB - God damn it. I put on my best Jerry Seinfeld-branded blazer and black crewneck for this shit? 


Monday, June 20, 2022

Jeopardy Recap - June 20, 2022 - Megan, Ketty and Toby

MAYIM BIALIK  - Today, on Jeopardy, we'll be hearing from Attachment Parenting expert Apple Bohannan, and learning why allowing your husband to sleep in your bed with you more than twice a fiscal quarter leads to penis envy in your male-identifying children.

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim, they gave Kelly Clarkson the talk show. Not you. This is Jeopardy.

MAYIM - Can't we at least let Apple bring out the rubber breast for the tween suckling demo? 


MAYIM - Well, Michael is INSISTING that this is Jeopardy. Let's first meet Toby, who has been to 50 countries and 47 states.


MAYIM - Some strong feelings about states there.

MEGAN - Cleveland is a city.

MAYIM - **laughs nervously** I know that! Don't you think I know that? 

KETTY - I once swam with sharks.

MAYIM - It's already clear from that red peekaboo camisole that you're a risk-taker. 

MEGAN - Slut shaming! 

MAYIM - Leave it to "graying gracefully" over here to trot out the third wave platitudes. 

MEGAN - **buzzes** Eustachian tube! 

MAYIM - I hadn't asked a question yet, but since it reminds me of a funny co-sleeping story, I'll give it to you. You see, in 2009, my baby was - 


MAYIM - What, are you involved with Big Crib or something? Fine. Contestants, give me some horse idioms.

MEGAN -  Riding bareback. Riding side saddle. Reverse cowgirl. 

TOBY - Alright, alright, alright.

MAYIM - Down, Toby. 

PRODUCER MICHAEL - Thank god for these socially distanced podiums.

MAYIM -Next, let's talk air travel. What's the difference between a layover and a stopover? 

TOBY - With a layover you have two hours to wait in the airport bathroom with a "wide stance." With a stopover, you have four hours.

MAYIM - That is... not right. Serves me right for giving an open-ended question. Ketty, you've got a daily double! What is JoJo Siwa's sign?

KETTY - What is Capricorn?

MAYIM - EEEEEEHHHH. It's Taurus. Good luck facing your folks at home after that humiliation. 

MEGAN - What's a JoJo Siwa?


PRODUCER MICHAEL - Mayim, Belgium is the next category, but don't forget what you promised.

MAYIM - That I would never attempt my flawless French accent in honor of my predecessor Alex Trebek unless the date on the calendar happenes to be June 20, 2022?

PRODUCER MICHAEL - You know what? Let's skip the Belgium catetory. 

MAYIM - TV mashups! What do you get when you cross Phil Collins's daughter with Al Bundy's wife? 

TOBY - Pegging Emily? 

KETTY - This guy is starting to make me uncomfortable. 

MAYIM - As someone whose son still asks for "mommy treats" despite having five o'clock shadow every morning, me too. Me too. 

MEGAN - What are the chances that Final Jeopardy can be about Piracy? That was the subject of my PHD disseration.

MAYIM - I have one thing to say: ARRRRRRRGHHH NO. 

KETTY - That doesn't even make - 

MAYIM - I don't need your judgement, Nevada. Final Jeopardy is about British History.

KETTY - Yeah, like you said, I'm from Nevada.

MEGAN - Edward Teach? Pink Beard? Captain Jack Sparrow?


MAYIM - Whelp, looks like Megan won today with a whopping $491. Might even be able to fly home in a window seat with that. 


Thursday, November 19, 2020

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Season 15, Episode 5 - "The Vow Renewal"

Braunwyn Windham-Burke visits her mother Doctor Deb's new home in Palm Springs..

DOCTOR DEB - And this is the garden, in which we have bastardized sacred Buddhist principles so as to appear "Zen."

BRAUNWYN - I haven't been feeling so Zen lately. I gave up drinking.

DOCTOR DEB -  I heard. And so has the entire former cast of this show, after a mass email from me. Peggy Sulahian sends her love.

BRAUNWYN -  Jeez, if I wasn't worried enough about people not liking me anymore, now I have to worry about getting a text from Alexis Bellino. 

DOCTOR DEB -  Don't be worried. I can confirm that people for sure don't like you anymore. 

BRAUNWYN - Way to exploit my darkest fears.

DOCTOR DEB - C'mon, BoringWind. Finish your matcha and stop being such a spiritually-weak little beyotch. 

BRAUNWYN - I really despise you.  

DOCTOR DEB - You are SO not invited to The Playa this year. 

The ladies take a bus to Palm Springs for Braunwyn's vow renewal...

ELIZABETH VARGAS - Sorry I'm late. Was with my lawyers trying to figure out whether the private jet should just have my ex-husband's initials monogramed into the headrests, or both of ours. 

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER -  Luckily you have Jimmy to comfort you during this tough stuff. 


EMILY SIMPSON - Your boyfriend.

ELIZABETH - Hmmmm. Not ringing a bell.

GINA - The tall dude who always follows you around? 

ELIZABETH  - Oh, JIMMY. Yeah, he's a big comfort. 

KELLY DODD - Can we fucking get shitfaced yet?

GINA - I've got some bad news. There's no tequila allowed at this vow renewal.

KELLY - What is this, Footloose?!

GINA - That's about dancing.

KELLY  - It's the same thing! My freedom is being tread on. Like Rick always says, don't tread on me! 

GINA - Kelly, chill. 

KELLY - No! I need to be able to get plastered in my own very specific preferred way!

GINA - You can still get drunk, just not from the distilled beverage made from the blue agave plant.


EMILY - Ok, I'm actually kind of impressed she whipped that out.


GINA -  Listen, Kelly. What if we put some mezcal in a Mio bottle and you can squirt drops into your eyeballs when nobody's looking?

KELLY - **pacified** That's fine, I guess. 

Braunwyn and Sean renew their vows, officiated by drag queen Babette Schwartz...

BRAUNWYN - Dear Sean. On our first date, I promised to turn my vagina into a clown car. And you weren't scared.

SEAN - Dear Braunwyn. When you promised to turn your vagina into a clown car, I was scared. But I was also too scared to walk away, so here we are. 

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Nice. Now let's wrap up this shit so we can get FUUUUUUUUCKED UP.

BRAUNWYN - Wait. We'd like to give the floor to our children. What could possibly go wrong? 

JACOB - Mom, would you still be with dad if he pulled a Jared from Subway and arranged meetings with young trafficked children at the Indianapolis Hilton?

BRAUNWYN - Ummmm...

JACOB - And Dad, would you still be with mom if she amputated your foot in your sleep?

SEAN - Uhhhhhh...

JACOB - And Mom, would you still be with dad if he murdered Hazel with the pointiest of bamboo necklaces - 

BRAUNWYN - Ok, that's enough. 

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Hey, I'm into it. 

BRAUNWYN - You're really botching this.

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Next time, offer a queen a few bucks. 

Kelly Dodd confronts Shannon Beador about her beverage brand at the vow renewal reception...

KELLY - I hear you're selling water now.

SHANNON - It's a tincture. A TINCTURE.

KELLY - Sounds like sphincter.

SHANNON - Perfect, because it was inspired by a visit to Doctor Moon.

JOHN, SHANNON'S BOYFRIEND - What's going on here?

SHANNON - John! Did you hear her? She's accusing me of making water!

JOHN - I mean, after five minutes with my magic hands, you usually do.

KELLY - I'm the most sexually graphic person in Southern California, and even I'm grossed out by that reference.

JOHN - Sorry. Just trying to fit in. **sulks away**


Saturday, November 14, 2020

Love After Lockup Recap, Season 3, Episode 18 - "99 Problems and an Ex is One"

Kristianna hangs with her family and John...

KRISTIANNA - Here we are, on day three of talking about whether to turn myself in. 

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Can we wrap this up and get your ass back to jail? Maury's on.

KRISTIANNA'S MOM - You got your own Maury show right here, in this house. **starts to chant** Maury! Maury! Maury! **coughs**

KRISTIANNA - Ma, you know the doctor told you chanting's not safe.

JOHN - I can tell you a little something about chanting. You see, in the Native American tradition, one must - 

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Oh christ. Just kill me. 

Scott busts in on Lindsey and Tara Belle hooking up in the attic...

SCOTT - Hey! I was just joking when I said no scissoring up in the attic!

TARA BELLE - Meaning you really wanted us to scissor? 

SCOTT - Meaning I didn't think you'd really do it!

LINDSEY - I was in prison for six years. What the fuck do you think we do in there?

SCOTT - I dunno. Make collect calls to the one and only man you love while staring at his shirtless photograph.


SCOTT - Rude. 

Dylan's mom Paula visits him at his new apartment...

DYLAN - Great news. I've got an amazing new job approaching people at the mall and asking them if they've ever considered alternative energy sources.

PAULA - Eh, I think I'd rather you sell drugs.

DYLAN - Check it out. I made you steak for dinner, with some wine. 

PAULA  - Damn. This is even better than a night out at O'Charley's. 

DYLAN - Only the best for my main girl.

PAULA  -   So Heather's out of the picture?

DYLAN - She recklessly drove down the street and out of my life forever.

PAULA  -   What about the aunt in the tie-dye cold shoulder shirt? 

DYLAN - Bitch, bye. 

PAULA  - Glad to see you've finally established some healthy boundaries in your life. And Aunt Diane?

DYLAN - Still talking every day. **phone rings** Hello? Yes, I saw it. **giggles** Bazinga, am I right? HA! **giggles again** Totally. 

PAULA  - Hello?

DYLAN - Oh, sorry. AD was just checking in over last night's episode of Young Sheldon. More pinot? 

Before Jessica and Maurice's wedding...

JESSICA - Do you think sis is going to show up?

JESSICA'S MOM - I don't think she'd miss your wedding for all the tea in China.

JESSICA - Mom, Maurice isn't Chinese. He's black.  

JESSICA'S SISTER  - I'm here! 

JESSICA - I knew it! I'd knew you'd make it! **phone rings**

MAURICE **broken down on the side of the road** Yeah, I'm not gonna make it.

JESSICA'S MOM - I guess one out of two ain't bad. 

Destinie and Shawn meet at a diner with the baby mama of his six children Kelly... 

SHAWN - I'm so happy we can all be together for the sake of those six beautiful little accidents. 

KELLY - **to the waitress** I'll have the eggs florentine.

DESTINIE - Pffft, eggs florentine? What kinda bitch order eggs florentine?

KELLY - An Italian bitch, BITCH!

DESTINIE - Well, arrivederci, because you won't be talking to Shawn any time soon! 

KELLY - We don't need to talk to FUCK, prison ho! 

SHAWN - Well, this is going better than I thought it would, to be honest. **takes a bite of his Slammin' Salami n' Eggs Skillet**


Thursday, November 12, 2020

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Season 15, Episode 4 - "An Unexpected Guest"

Kelly Dodd and Braunwyn Windham Burke go dress shopping... 

BRAUNWYN WINDHAM BURKE - Hello, I'm here to buy a dress for my vow renewal.

DRESS SHOP LADY - A vow renewal. So in six-months you'll be back buying something slutty for blind dates on Tinder.

KELLY DODD -  Wow, that's a rude thing for a dress shop lady to say. **under breath** And so, so accurate.

BRAUNWYN - This marriage will last. Unlike ghosts of housewives past, my husband eats ass. 

KELLY DODD -  Ugh, gross! **after a second** But I'm listening...

BRAUNWYN -  Well, after a long hot shower, Sean puts me on the bed, and then - 

DRESS SHOP LADY  - **tries to interrupts** Hey who likes organza!? 

BRAUNWYN -  Oh, an organza happens, alright. Sean does something extra special, and it involves - 

DRESS SHOP LADY  -**tries to interrupt again** How about crêpe?

BRAUNWYN - Oh, none of that. I do a full preparation before the act, if you catch my drift.  

DRESS SHOP LADY  - **holds up a dress**  Muslin?

BRAUNWYN - No, we're Jews. I don't know how they feel about the whole thing. 


**stunned silence**

DRESS SHOP LADY  - Ahem. Taffeta is lovely this time of year. 

Gina Kirschenheiter welcomes her ex-husband Matt to their daughter's birthday party...

MATT - Hey, I'm here with the much hotter woman I left you for.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - Aw, I don't know about much hotter. I like those poof balls on your sweater, Gina.

GINA - Thanks. Nice to see you both.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - My Nana had something like that in the 80s. 

SIENNA - **runs to Matt** DADDY!!!!! You're here!!!!!

GINA - Wow, I never get a greeting like that.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - It must be because when she sees him it reminds her how much bigger our house is. 

MATT - Nah, I think it has something to do with Gina's hair extensions. Their looseness reminds the kids of impermanence.

GINA - Can I get you guys anything? Soda? Wine?

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - I stopped drinking wine after your DUI. Was turned off the sauce for good once I saw how sad that whole thing was. 

GINA - **whispers to her boyfriend Travis** Can you, like, help me out here? They're shitting all over me!

TRAVIS - I'm just here for the free Funfetti. **strokes his very dark beard**

Elizabeth Vargas has Shannon Beador and Gina 
Kirschenheiter over for lunch...

 ELIZABETH - Welcome to my humble abode!

SHANNON - Beachfront, huh? In my day the beach had too many damn hippies. Rich folk stayed inland.

ELIZABETH - Huh. Well, I bought you guys lunch!

SHANNON - Whole Foods? I only shop at Bristol Farms. 

ELIZABETH - Whole Foods is just closer, now that my Ferrari is in the shop. 

SHANNON -  My mother had a Ferrari.

GINA - Using your dead mother for a one-up is a new one. 

SHANNON -  What? She did! 

ELIZABETH - Do you have some kind of issue with me, Shannon? 

SHANNON'S DAUGTHER, SOPHIE - Hi, just passing by on my way to Baylor University. Her issue is that her new boyfriend is poor, and this makes her feel better about it.


Braunwyn Burke-Windham's son Jacob tries on dresses for the family...

JACOB - What do you guys think?

BRAUNWYN - You look beautiful.

SEAN - Stunning.

ROWAN - Breathtaking.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Jesus doesn't like this. Boys should be boys and girls should be girls. 

BRAUNWYN - Where the fuck did you come from?

VICKI GUNVALSON - I appear whenever something that doesn't follow strict gender guidelines happens in Orange County. 

BRAUNWYN - Didn't you support every man you've every been with financially?

VICKI GUNVALSON - That's different, because I did it.

JACOB - Vicki, can you kindly leave our house now?

VICKI GUNVALSON - Yes, but just remember that Jesus loves you, until he doesn't.

SEAN - We're Jews.

VICKI GUNVALSON - They have those here? 


Monday, November 9, 2020

Love After Lockup Recap, Season 3, Episode 17 - "Two Body Bags"

John and Kristiana contemplate her return to prison...

KRISTIANA - Time to face the music. Time to do what must be done, no matter how much dread and terror I feel.

JOHN - Aw, don't get stressed about jail yet. First we get to have sex.

KRISTIANA - The sex is what I was talking about.

JOHN - Hey, my ex-wife's cousin said I was the third-best white Native American from Cresco she ever slept with.

KRISTIANA -  Quite a rave review. **they do it**

KRISTIANA'S MOM - You two look like you just got done rollin' in the hay.

JOHN - That metaphor evoking dryness and a large pile of beige is actually pretty apt here. 

KRISTIANA'S SISTER - Too bad you gotta go back now, sis. Was nice seeing you again. **pushes Kristiana out the door** God, I thought i'd never get my spot on the couch between mom and the oxygen tank back again. 

JOHN - Hey, did I ever tell you that my affair partner/ex-wife's cousin was also her sister? **winks**

KRISTIANA'S SISTER - Ugh, fine. **does it with him**

Jessica tries on wedding dresses at Viero Bridal with her mother and friend...

JESSICA - How do I look? 

JESSICA'S FRIEND - Have you ever imagined Gilbert Grape's mom in a milk bath? Like that.

JESSICA - Hey, now. I'm not just fat. I'm also pregnant.

JESSICA'S MOM - Really? 

JESSICA - Yep. Excited?

JESSICA'S MOM - Eh, I was always hoping my first grandchild would be a Blood. 

In the courthouse parking lot, after Shawn's proposal...

SHAWN -  She said yes!

DESTINIE - I didn't say yes so much as I silently nodded with resignation as I contemplated a life without ever touching a vagina again.

SHAWN - I'll take what I can get. 

DESTINIE - I have one condition. 

SHAWN - Yes, I'll take out my top dentures each time I give oral.

DESTINIE - No. You have to keep me far away from your ex.

SHAWN - I can keep you two empty seats apart at the diner we're scheduled to meet her at in 30 minutes. 


Lindsey's friend Tara visits...

LINDSEY - If you need us, we'll be upstairs.

SCOTT - No hanky panky up there, you two! HA!

LINDSEY - **rolls eyes** Get real, Scott. **they go upstairs and immediately scissor each other**

SCOTT - Twelve dollars of Groupon lip filler guaranteed to please a lady, flushed right down the toilet.  

Heather kicks Dylan out of the car after their trip to the DMV...

HEATHER - Get out! And stay out! **peels away**


DYLAN'S MOM - Um, hello?

DYLAN -  Oh yeah. You.

ROBIN, DYLAN'S AUNT - Um, hello?

DYLAN -  You too, I guess.

ROBIN - If you wanted the attention of an older woman on oxygen, I could have taken you to watch me at one of those kiosks at the mall. 

DYLAN'S MOM - Let me tell you a little something about life, son. If a meth head offers to take you to the DMV, you always say no. 

ROBIN - She's learned that the hard away. 

DYLAN - You guys are so, so wise. 


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