Thursday, November 19, 2020

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Season 15, Episode 5 - "The Vow Renewal"

Braunwyn Windham-Burke visits her mother Doctor Deb's new home in Palm Springs..

DOCTOR DEB - And this is the garden, in which we have bastardized sacred Buddhist principles so as to appear "Zen."

BRAUNWYN - I haven't been feeling so Zen lately. I gave up drinking.

DOCTOR DEB -  I heard. And so has the entire former cast of this show, after a mass email from me. Peggy Sulahian sends her love.

BRAUNWYN -  Jeez, if I wasn't worried enough about people not liking me anymore, now I have to worry about getting a text from Alexis Bellino. 

DOCTOR DEB -  Don't be worried. I can confirm that people for sure don't like you anymore. 

BRAUNWYN - Way to exploit my darkest fears.

DOCTOR DEB - C'mon, BoringWind. Finish your matcha and stop being such a spiritually-weak little beyotch. 

BRAUNWYN - I really despise you.  

DOCTOR DEB - You are SO not invited to The Playa this year. 

The ladies take a bus to Palm Springs for Braunwyn's vow renewal...

ELIZABETH VARGAS - Sorry I'm late. Was with my lawyers trying to figure out whether the private jet should just have my ex-husband's initials monogramed into the headrests, or both of ours. 

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER -  Luckily you have Jimmy to comfort you during this tough stuff. 


EMILY SIMPSON - Your boyfriend.

ELIZABETH - Hmmmm. Not ringing a bell.

GINA - The tall dude who always follows you around? 

ELIZABETH  - Oh, JIMMY. Yeah, he's a big comfort. 

KELLY DODD - Can we fucking get shitfaced yet?

GINA - I've got some bad news. There's no tequila allowed at this vow renewal.

KELLY - What is this, Footloose?!

GINA - That's about dancing.

KELLY  - It's the same thing! My freedom is being tread on. Like Rick always says, don't tread on me! 

GINA - Kelly, chill. 

KELLY - No! I need to be able to get plastered in my own very specific preferred way!

GINA - You can still get drunk, just not from the distilled beverage made from the blue agave plant.


EMILY - Ok, I'm actually kind of impressed she whipped that out.


GINA -  Listen, Kelly. What if we put some mezcal in a Mio bottle and you can squirt drops into your eyeballs when nobody's looking?

KELLY - **pacified** That's fine, I guess. 

Braunwyn and Sean renew their vows, officiated by drag queen Babette Schwartz...

BRAUNWYN - Dear Sean. On our first date, I promised to turn my vagina into a clown car. And you weren't scared.

SEAN - Dear Braunwyn. When you promised to turn your vagina into a clown car, I was scared. But I was also too scared to walk away, so here we are. 

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Nice. Now let's wrap up this shit so we can get FUUUUUUUUCKED UP.

BRAUNWYN - Wait. We'd like to give the floor to our children. What could possibly go wrong? 

JACOB - Mom, would you still be with dad if he pulled a Jared from Subway and arranged meetings with young trafficked children at the Indianapolis Hilton?

BRAUNWYN - Ummmm...

JACOB - And Dad, would you still be with mom if she amputated your foot in your sleep?

SEAN - Uhhhhhh...

JACOB - And Mom, would you still be with dad if he murdered Hazel with the pointiest of bamboo necklaces - 

BRAUNWYN - Ok, that's enough. 

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Hey, I'm into it. 

BRAUNWYN - You're really botching this.

BABETTE SCHWARTZ - Next time, offer a queen a few bucks. 

Kelly Dodd confronts Shannon Beador about her beverage brand at the vow renewal reception...

KELLY - I hear you're selling water now.

SHANNON - It's a tincture. A TINCTURE.

KELLY - Sounds like sphincter.

SHANNON - Perfect, because it was inspired by a visit to Doctor Moon.

JOHN, SHANNON'S BOYFRIEND - What's going on here?

SHANNON - John! Did you hear her? She's accusing me of making water!

JOHN - I mean, after five minutes with my magic hands, you usually do.

KELLY - I'm the most sexually graphic person in Southern California, and even I'm grossed out by that reference.

JOHN - Sorry. Just trying to fit in. **sulks away**


Saturday, November 14, 2020

Love After Lockup Recap, Season 3, Episode 18 - "99 Problems and an Ex is One"

Kristianna hangs with her family and John...

KRISTIANNA - Here we are, on day three of talking about whether to turn myself in. 

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Can we wrap this up and get your ass back to jail? Maury's on.

KRISTIANNA'S MOM - You got your own Maury show right here, in this house. **starts to chant** Maury! Maury! Maury! **coughs**

KRISTIANNA - Ma, you know the doctor told you chanting's not safe.

JOHN - I can tell you a little something about chanting. You see, in the Native American tradition, one must - 

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Oh christ. Just kill me. 

Scott busts in on Lindsey and Tara Belle hooking up in the attic...

SCOTT - Hey! I was just joking when I said no scissoring up in the attic!

TARA BELLE - Meaning you really wanted us to scissor? 

SCOTT - Meaning I didn't think you'd really do it!

LINDSEY - I was in prison for six years. What the fuck do you think we do in there?

SCOTT - I dunno. Make collect calls to the one and only man you love while staring at his shirtless photograph.


SCOTT - Rude. 

Dylan's mom Paula visits him at his new apartment...

DYLAN - Great news. I've got an amazing new job approaching people at the mall and asking them if they've ever considered alternative energy sources.

PAULA - Eh, I think I'd rather you sell drugs.

DYLAN - Check it out. I made you steak for dinner, with some wine. 

PAULA  - Damn. This is even better than a night out at O'Charley's. 

DYLAN - Only the best for my main girl.

PAULA  -   So Heather's out of the picture?

DYLAN - She recklessly drove down the street and out of my life forever.

PAULA  -   What about the aunt in the tie-dye cold shoulder shirt? 

DYLAN - Bitch, bye. 

PAULA  - Glad to see you've finally established some healthy boundaries in your life. And Aunt Diane?

DYLAN - Still talking every day. **phone rings** Hello? Yes, I saw it. **giggles** Bazinga, am I right? HA! **giggles again** Totally. 

PAULA  - Hello?

DYLAN - Oh, sorry. AD was just checking in over last night's episode of Young Sheldon. More pinot? 

Before Jessica and Maurice's wedding...

JESSICA - Do you think sis is going to show up?

JESSICA'S MOM - I don't think she'd miss your wedding for all the tea in China.

JESSICA - Mom, Maurice isn't Chinese. He's black.  

JESSICA'S SISTER  - I'm here! 

JESSICA - I knew it! I'd knew you'd make it! **phone rings**

MAURICE **broken down on the side of the road** Yeah, I'm not gonna make it.

JESSICA'S MOM - I guess one out of two ain't bad. 

Destinie and Shawn meet at a diner with the baby mama of his six children Kelly... 

SHAWN - I'm so happy we can all be together for the sake of those six beautiful little accidents. 

KELLY - **to the waitress** I'll have the eggs florentine.

DESTINIE - Pffft, eggs florentine? What kinda bitch order eggs florentine?

KELLY - An Italian bitch, BITCH!

DESTINIE - Well, arrivederci, because you won't be talking to Shawn any time soon! 

KELLY - We don't need to talk to FUCK, prison ho! 

SHAWN - Well, this is going better than I thought it would, to be honest. **takes a bite of his Slammin' Salami n' Eggs Skillet**


Thursday, November 12, 2020

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Season 15, Episode 4 - "An Unexpected Guest"

Kelly Dodd and Braunwyn Windham Burke go dress shopping... 

BRAUNWYN WINDHAM BURKE - Hello, I'm here to buy a dress for my vow renewal.

DRESS SHOP LADY - A vow renewal. So in six-months you'll be back buying something slutty for blind dates on Tinder.

KELLY DODD -  Wow, that's a rude thing for a dress shop lady to say. **under breath** And so, so accurate.

BRAUNWYN - This marriage will last. Unlike ghosts of housewives past, my husband eats ass. 

KELLY DODD -  Ugh, gross! **after a second** But I'm listening...

BRAUNWYN -  Well, after a long hot shower, Sean puts me on the bed, and then - 

DRESS SHOP LADY  - **tries to interrupts** Hey who likes organza!? 

BRAUNWYN -  Oh, an organza happens, alright. Sean does something extra special, and it involves - 

DRESS SHOP LADY  -**tries to interrupt again** How about crêpe?

BRAUNWYN - Oh, none of that. I do a full preparation before the act, if you catch my drift.  

DRESS SHOP LADY  - **holds up a dress**  Muslin?

BRAUNWYN - No, we're Jews. I don't know how they feel about the whole thing. 


**stunned silence**

DRESS SHOP LADY  - Ahem. Taffeta is lovely this time of year. 

Gina Kirschenheiter welcomes her ex-husband Matt to their daughter's birthday party...

MATT - Hey, I'm here with the much hotter woman I left you for.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - Aw, I don't know about much hotter. I like those poof balls on your sweater, Gina.

GINA - Thanks. Nice to see you both.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - My Nana had something like that in the 80s. 

SIENNA - **runs to Matt** DADDY!!!!! You're here!!!!!

GINA - Wow, I never get a greeting like that.

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - It must be because when she sees him it reminds her how much bigger our house is. 

MATT - Nah, I think it has something to do with Gina's hair extensions. Their looseness reminds the kids of impermanence.

GINA - Can I get you guys anything? Soda? Wine?

MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - I stopped drinking wine after your DUI. Was turned off the sauce for good once I saw how sad that whole thing was. 

GINA - **whispers to her boyfriend Travis** Can you, like, help me out here? They're shitting all over me!

TRAVIS - I'm just here for the free Funfetti. **strokes his very dark beard**

Elizabeth Vargas has Shannon Beador and Gina 
Kirschenheiter over for lunch...

 ELIZABETH - Welcome to my humble abode!

SHANNON - Beachfront, huh? In my day the beach had too many damn hippies. Rich folk stayed inland.

ELIZABETH - Huh. Well, I bought you guys lunch!

SHANNON - Whole Foods? I only shop at Bristol Farms. 

ELIZABETH - Whole Foods is just closer, now that my Ferrari is in the shop. 

SHANNON -  My mother had a Ferrari.

GINA - Using your dead mother for a one-up is a new one. 

SHANNON -  What? She did! 

ELIZABETH - Do you have some kind of issue with me, Shannon? 

SHANNON'S DAUGTHER, SOPHIE - Hi, just passing by on my way to Baylor University. Her issue is that her new boyfriend is poor, and this makes her feel better about it.


Braunwyn Burke-Windham's son Jacob tries on dresses for the family...

JACOB - What do you guys think?

BRAUNWYN - You look beautiful.

SEAN - Stunning.

ROWAN - Breathtaking.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Jesus doesn't like this. Boys should be boys and girls should be girls. 

BRAUNWYN - Where the fuck did you come from?

VICKI GUNVALSON - I appear whenever something that doesn't follow strict gender guidelines happens in Orange County. 

BRAUNWYN - Didn't you support every man you've every been with financially?

VICKI GUNVALSON - That's different, because I did it.

JACOB - Vicki, can you kindly leave our house now?

VICKI GUNVALSON - Yes, but just remember that Jesus loves you, until he doesn't.

SEAN - We're Jews.

VICKI GUNVALSON - They have those here? 


Monday, November 9, 2020

Love After Lockup Recap, Season 3, Episode 17 - "Two Body Bags"

John and Kristiana contemplate her return to prison...

KRISTIANA - Time to face the music. Time to do what must be done, no matter how much dread and terror I feel.

JOHN - Aw, don't get stressed about jail yet. First we get to have sex.

KRISTIANA - The sex is what I was talking about.

JOHN - Hey, my ex-wife's cousin said I was the third-best white Native American from Cresco she ever slept with.

KRISTIANA -  Quite a rave review. **they do it**

KRISTIANA'S MOM - You two look like you just got done rollin' in the hay.

JOHN - That metaphor evoking dryness and a large pile of beige is actually pretty apt here. 

KRISTIANA'S SISTER - Too bad you gotta go back now, sis. Was nice seeing you again. **pushes Kristiana out the door** God, I thought i'd never get my spot on the couch between mom and the oxygen tank back again. 

JOHN - Hey, did I ever tell you that my affair partner/ex-wife's cousin was also her sister? **winks**

KRISTIANA'S SISTER - Ugh, fine. **does it with him**

Jessica tries on wedding dresses at Viero Bridal with her mother and friend...

JESSICA - How do I look? 

JESSICA'S FRIEND - Have you ever imagined Gilbert Grape's mom in a milk bath? Like that.

JESSICA - Hey, now. I'm not just fat. I'm also pregnant.

JESSICA'S MOM - Really? 

JESSICA - Yep. Excited?

JESSICA'S MOM - Eh, I was always hoping my first grandchild would be a Blood. 

In the courthouse parking lot, after Shawn's proposal...

SHAWN -  She said yes!

DESTINIE - I didn't say yes so much as I silently nodded with resignation as I contemplated a life without ever touching a vagina again.

SHAWN - I'll take what I can get. 

DESTINIE - I have one condition. 

SHAWN - Yes, I'll take out my top dentures each time I give oral.

DESTINIE - No. You have to keep me far away from your ex.

SHAWN - I can keep you two empty seats apart at the diner we're scheduled to meet her at in 30 minutes. 


Lindsey's friend Tara visits...

LINDSEY - If you need us, we'll be upstairs.

SCOTT - No hanky panky up there, you two! HA!

LINDSEY - **rolls eyes** Get real, Scott. **they go upstairs and immediately scissor each other**

SCOTT - Twelve dollars of Groupon lip filler guaranteed to please a lady, flushed right down the toilet.  

Heather kicks Dylan out of the car after their trip to the DMV...

HEATHER - Get out! And stay out! **peels away**


DYLAN'S MOM - Um, hello?

DYLAN -  Oh yeah. You.

ROBIN, DYLAN'S AUNT - Um, hello?

DYLAN -  You too, I guess.

ROBIN - If you wanted the attention of an older woman on oxygen, I could have taken you to watch me at one of those kiosks at the mall. 

DYLAN'S MOM - Let me tell you a little something about life, son. If a meth head offers to take you to the DMV, you always say no. 

ROBIN - She's learned that the hard away. 

DYLAN - You guys are so, so wise. 


Thursday, November 5, 2020

Real Housewives of Orange County. Season 15, Ep 4 - "The Aftershock

Kelly Dodd and Rick Levanthal move stuff upstairs in her new house...

KELLY  - Man, it's wild out here in the suburbs. People, like, drop by.

RICK  - Hopefully not when we're having one of our insane craycray nuts fuck seshes. **cops a feel**

**they hear a knock from downstairs**

EMILY SIMPSON - Hello, anybody home? It's me, Emily.

RICK - God damn it. 

KELLY - Oh, hey. Come in. We'll be right down. 

EMILY SIMPSON - I brought my original hip bone for us all to look at. 

KELLY - Um, cool.

RICK - **whispers** She can probably keep herself busy down there for a few minutes. **massages the puffy shoulder on Kelly's sweater**

**another knock from downstairs**

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Knock, knock! It's me, Tamra Barney Judge! I was in the neighborhood and wanted to show you all how to do a 90-second plank!

RICK - I thought she wasn't even allowed on the show this season? 

KELLY - She's not. But what can I do? It's the suburbs.

RICK - She has Emily to entertain her. **sticks his tongue down her throat**

**another knock from downstairs**

COLTON KEOUGH - Yoo hoo! Got a cup of sugar? It's me, Jeana Keough's youngest son Colton! 

KELLY - Ok, I don't even know him.

RICK - I'm seeing this quickie slip away, much like the truth on Fox News. 

**another knock from downstairs**

LOU KNICKERBOCKER - Howdy ho, neighbor! It's me, Tammy Knickerbocker's dead husband, Lou Knickerbocker! Just needed to stretch my legs! 

KELLY - I'm moving. 

After Braunwyn Windham-Burke's dramatic exist from Shannon's party, she waits outside, and spots Shannon's boyfriend's son...

BRAUNWYN - Hey Pomegranate Kid - go fetch my husband.

JOHN'S SON  - They're lemons.

BRAUNWYN - Fine. Lemon kid.

JOHN'S SON - My name is Greg.

BRAUNWYN - Fine. Greg.

JOHN'S SON - It's pronounced Graig, like Barry Williams's character on the Brady Bu - 


JOHN'S SON - Jeez. Touchy. **reenters the party to get Sean**

SEAN - **comes out from the party** Hi, honey. You sent for me?

BRAUNWYN - I left the party 30 minutes ago!

SEAN - Sorry. It was getting kind of fun in there.

BRAUNWYN - Can you go back in and get Gina? 

SEAN - Why didn't you just ask Graig to get Gina, instead of asking for Graig to get me for me to go get Gina? .

BRAUNWYN - **pulls a flask of grain alcohol from her waistband** 

SEAN - Ok, ok! I'll get her. 

Gina Kischenheiter and Braunwyn talk outside the party...

GINA - Graig said you wanted to tawk to me.

BRAUNWYN - 30 days off alcohol and the name Greg no longer exists. 

GINA - Hey now - that might be the next Ryan Veith you're talking about. 

BRAUNWYN - I'm sorry I've been talking trash about you like I'm Donald Trump to your Rosie O'Donnell. 

GINA - Are you calling me fat?

BRAUNWYN - NO! I'm saying you're the Vicky to my Slade Smiley stand up comedy hour. 

GINA - Oh, so now my face looks like a pig's?

BRAUNWYN - NO! I'm saying I'm the kid throwing rocks at your Forrest Gump. 

GINA - So I've got an IQ of 75 but received a perfect score in advanced physics class? 

BRAUNWYN - Wow. You sure know that movie. No, I'm saying I was hurt by you telling people Sean came onto you, and I lashed out. 

GINA - Lady, your husband sent me a winky face, so I told people.

BRAUNWYN - Believe me, you'd know if Sean was coming on to you, like when he drew a heart on a Starbucks receipt and dropped it in the vacant lot across the street from Heather Dubrow's hairstylist. 


Kelly Dodd approaches Shannon Beador and her elderly father...

SHANNON'S DAD - Hello, Kelly, Nice to see you again. 

KELLY - How ya doin', fuck machine? 

SHANNON - Kelly! That's my father! He has over 20 argyle sweaters! 

KELLY - Whatever, just a little bit of fun word play. Right, fat cock master?

SHANNON - He donated a million to Reagan's campaign! Twice!

KELLY - Chill, dork. She's so uptight. Not like you. boss - bet your sphincter is loose as a goose.

SHANNON - What the - ?! He only stays up past 8 pm to watch the 700 Club! 

KELLY - Alright, alright. You've got a point. Ahem - SIR - why don't you whip out that big fatty and slap me in the face with it?

SHANNON  - **faints**

KELLY -  What a prude. 


Saturday, October 31, 2020

Love After Lockup Recap , Season 3 Ep 16 - "Highway to Hell"

Maurice and Jessica tour wedding venues in Las Vegas...

MAURICE -  What's the name of this venue?

WEDDING VENUE LADY - We call this the Crip Castle.

JESSICA - Really? 

WEDDING VENUE LADY - No. But Warren G was a guest for his nephew's ceremony here in '05. 

JESSICA - Do you have anything... less "we shared a frozen yard drink at Harrah's and then got bored"? 

WEDDING VENUE LADY - Ah, you're looking for romance. Look no further. **leads them into the glass garden**

JESSICA - A water feature!

MAURICE - Plastic plants!

JESSICA - Cushioned pews!

MAURICE - Baby, this water feature is bringing out some emotions in me. You stood by me, and I appreciate it. You're carrying my baby, and I appreciate it. Your daddy showed me how to weld, and I appreciate it.

JESSICA - Move over, Cyrano.

MAURICE - Cyrano? Isn't he the guy that got shot outside the Chevron on Rosecrans? 

JESSICA - I cannot wait for my extended Aryan relatives to meet you. 

Heather and Dylan arrive at the DMV...

DYLAN - Hello, sir. I'm here to arrange for a state ID. You see, I was recently released from my unfortunate incarceration, and am now acclimating to life outside four walls, and I -  

DMV DUDE - Pretty boy, nobody here gives a FUCK. We stopped working at 3 pm even though we close at 4.

HEATHER - That's the most Chicago thing I've ever heard.

DYLAN - But, but, but... my face. My hazel eyes.

DMV DUDE  - That doesn't get you too far on the outside where men have access to actual women. You'll have to come back another time. 

HEATHER - Oh, well. Guess now we have time to stop for a beef. 

DYLAN -  Maybe if you hadn't spent so much time putting on all that MAKEUP we could have gotten here before the time they stop working even though they're open for another hour.

HEATHER - Oh don't you dare. I didn't have quiet sex with my elderly aunt holding a cup against the door to be treated like this. 

DYLAN -  I'm going back to Aunt Diane's. At least there I'm given attentiveness, respect, and a few puffs from the oxygen tank when I'm feeling lethargic. **starts walking away**



HEATHER - **starts to drive** AHHHHH!!! FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS GO PRO! **jumps the curb**

DYLAN - My face! My hair! Please be careful!


**to be continued**

In Dubuque, Iowa, a bastion of crime-ridden hopelessness...

KRISITANNA'S MOM - I hope you've thought better of your idea to knock on random doors on the mean streets of Dubuque. 

KRISITANNA'S SISTER - This is Iowa. People will sometimes not add "very much" after they say thank you. 

JOHN - Damn. 

KRISITANNA'S MOM - All I know is, I'm thankful to finally not be the only person on this season of the show on oxygen.

JOHN - Well, you've got something else to be thankful for. I've found my gorgeous delicate angel princess.

KRISITANNA - Sup, fuckers.

KRISITANNA'S MOM -  **with absolutely no emotion on her face** My baby. She's home. I'm so happy one side of my mouth might rise slightly. 

KRISITANNA - Hi mom. Hi Sis. This very authentic Native American man has done the impossible and brought me home. 

JOHN - It's the fringe. It has that effect. 

KRISITANNA - Whelp, back to jail.

Shavel and Quaylon discuss where Quaylon should live...

SHAVEL - You should live in Kansas City.

QUAYLON - But my family wants me to stay in Texas. My barber is in Texas.

SHAVEL - I want you to live in Kansas City.

QUAYLON - I'd prefer to stay in Texas with Qualandria, my mother whose name is very similar to my own.

SHAVEL - Ok. But please move to Kansas City.

QUAYLON - It's really better if I live in Texas.

**they continue this fascinating argument for an entire season**

Outside the courthouse...

DESTINIE - So that's it. I'm going back to prison.

SHAWN - You gotta think positive. I believed I could have top dentures, and now I do. 

DESTINIE - Fuck off with this positive-thinking stuff. You know what my "secret" is? You're a low-energy douche. 

DESTINIE - Now that's just mean. All I've ever done is have six kids on the low and treat you with kindness. 

DESTINIE - Ok, you're right. 

SHAWN - Will you marry me?

DESTINIE - Will you put a few bucks in my commissary each month for 80 percent ethyl alcohol hand sanitizer? 

SHAWN - Every month for the next seven to 10. 



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