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| Michael Bradley |
Nev and Max meet Mike at his parent's house in Pensacola...
NEV SCHULMAN - Can I ask you a question?
MIKE - Shoot.
NEV SCHULMAN - What's with people in Florida and mini-gauges?
MIKE - I thought the question would be about the love of my life, Caroline.
MAX JOSEPH - We're not machines, Mike. We have thoughts and emotions.
MIKE - Well, since you're so emotional, how'd you like to buy some of my artwork? **holds up portrait of naked lady with mini gauges**
NEV SCHULMAN - Nice try.
MAX JOSEPH - So tell us about this fire crotch.
NEV SCHULMAN - Max, that's really insensitive.
MAX JOSEPH - You're right. Tell us about this really pretty fire crotch.
MIKE - She lives about a block away, has cancer, and owns a jersey that says "Caroline" on the back. That's about it.
MAX JOSEPH - If she won't meet you, she's probably fat.
NEV SCHULMAN - Max!
MAX JOSEPH - What?
NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, it's true. You are talking to a fatty.
MIKE - But won't chemo shed off most of the weight?
NEV SCHULMAN - So you'd prefer her to be thin and sick than healthy and plump?
MIKE - **changes subject** Um, have I mentioned she left a note on my car that says Boo Bear?
The group sits down to do some hard-core research...
NEV SCHULMAN - Let's try our patented Reverse Google Image Search™.
MAX JOSEPH - **finds her facebook** Good news, she's actually named Caroline.
NEV SCHULMAN - Except her last name is not Rhodes.
MIKE - Duh, dudes, she's got two different profiles under two different names. Hello, this is America.
NEV SCHULMAN - Have you talked to her under her other profile?
MIKE - I messaged her but she didn't respond. She has cancer. Give her a break.
NEV SCHULMAN - But that doesn't make sense -
MIKE - MY MOM HAD CANCER BEFORE I WAS BORN AND MY DAD IS NEWLY-DIABETED, SO STOP.
NEV SCHULMAN - Wow. Case closed, I guess.
NEV SCHULMAN - Hey, it was nice talking to your duck-face selfie friend.
CAROLINE LEDFORD - She's cool.
NEV SCHULMAN - Can you tell Mike as gently as possible that it's not you he's been talking to?
CAROLINE - Sure. Hi Mike. I'd rather set my crotch on fire a second time than even type "fuck you" to someone with mini-gauges, let alone set foot in the Redneck Riviera.
MAX JOSEPH - Well, that'll get the point across.
They show Mike the video, and he cries...
MIKE - Couldn't you have edited that footage or something?
NEV SCHULMAN - Sorry. Max doesn't know how to do that.
At the public park, Heather shows up to meet Mike...
MIKE - Great, it's that fat bitch from Plenty Of Fish.
MAX JOSEPH - Not to rub it in, but you don't find filet mignon at the 7-11.
HEATHER PADGETT - Hi, Michael. I started the fake profile after we first met and you called me a "fat bitch."
NEV SCHULMAN - Some things never change.
HEATHER - - But then after talking to you, I realized you're cool as crap, and not just somebody who'd treat a hot girl better than a not hot girl.
MAX JOSEPH - Pensacola - home of Bubba Watson and poor judgment.
HEATHER - I write nice notes on your car and almost go into your work sometimes.
NEV SCHULMAN - See? Told you she was a stalker.
MAX JOSEPH - So do you have cancer?
HEATHER - I wish. Maybe I'd finally lose some weight.
NEV SCHULMAN - Mike, you guys might have more in common than you think. Just sayin'...
THE END.
What would someone have to do, to get you to take this down?
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