Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 14 - "Keyonnah & Bow Wow"


In Cameron, North Carolina... 

KEYONNAH - Welcome to my humble abode.

NEV SCHULMAN - There's nothing humble about that 22 inch flatscreen you got over there.

MAX JOSEPH - Unless it's being supported by two Fisher Price doll chairs.

NEV SCHULMAN - Maybe it's a commentary on capitalism. 

MAX JOSEPH -  Intriguing theory.
KEYONNAH - Guys, can we focus on the task at hand here? Next thing I know you're gonna be asking me about my aunt.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Wait, aunt? What's an aunt?

MAX JOSEPH - You know, like your mom's sister or whatever.

NEV SCHULMAN - You mean "ant"? That's how I pronounce it.

MAX JOSEPH - No, it's aunt.


MAX JOSEPH - Damn. She's serious.

 After gorging themselves at Marietta Diner, Max and Nev sit down with Keyonnah...

NEV SCHULMAN - So tell us how you became online lovers with Lil' Bow Wow.  

KEYONNAH - It's just Bow Wow now. No "Lil". Which is appropriate because he's sent me pictures of his -

NEV SCHULMAN - Ahem. I get it, thanks.

KEYONNAH - We've never skyped or anything, but he told me that whenever he scratches his nose on 106 and Park, it's a message for me.

NEV SCHULMAN - And what is that message?

KEYONNAH - I didn't ask.

MAX JOSEPH - Pretty deep relationship.

KEYONNAH - You joke, but he gave me ten thousand dollars. Anybody ever do that for you?

MAX JOSEPH -  My uncle after he was fatally attacked by doll chairs. **looks at flatscreen** I need to get the eff out of this house.

 At a Portuguese yogurt shop... 

NEV SCHULMAN - Let's call the one person who ever gives us the time of day at MTV and see if she knows what's up with Bow Wow.

MAX JOSEPH - Wait, there's someone at MTV who gives us the time of day?

NEV SCHULMAN - Yeah, the chick who puts out the bagels at craft services. **calls** Hi, Bagel Lady? This is Nev.


NEV SCHULMAN - From Catfish?


NEV SCHULMAN - Nevermind. Does Bow Wow have an assistant named Larry Brown?

BAGEL LADY -  No, his name is Ant.

KEYONNAH - **appears from behind the counter** STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT AUNTS!!!

Max, Nev, and Keyonnah arrive at "Bow Wow's cousin's house" in Atlanta...

DEE - Sup.

KEYONNAH - Omg, it's a pre-pubescent boy.

DEE  - I wish.

NEV SCHULMAN -  So you're a lesbian?

DEE  - Don't let the lambskin dildo fool you. It's certainly fooled others.

KEYONNAH - Oh God, I'm the Chloe Sevigny to this person's Hilary Swank!

DEE   - Aw yeah.

MAX JOSEPH  - Um, prepubescent lesbian person, or whatever?

DEE  - Call me Dee. Dee Pimpin'.

MAX JOSEPH - Dee Pimpin', why did you pretend to be Bow Wow to entice a straight girl?

DEE   - Because it works. **winks at Keyonnah**

KEYONNAH - Ok, I just felt a shiver. I can see how that works.

NEV SCHULMAN - How were you able to get ten grand to give to Keyonnah?

DEE -  Didn't you hear the second part of my name? Pimpin'.

MAX JOSEPH - Great. How illuminating.

DEE - My cousin Larry helps out here and there.


NEV SCHULMAN - Why on earth would you get yourself involved in this?

LARRY BROWN - I happen to be an entrepreneur in the lambskin dildo business. Somebody's got to test this shit.

KEYONNAH - Can we go back to North Carolina now?

NEV SCHULMAN -  Yes, Petey Pablo. We can.


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