Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 1 - "A Catered Affair to Remember"

 

 

Which one carries a wooden goat dildo to the races for luck?

Kim Richards plays with her pitbull...

KINGSLEY - **eats the internal organs of stuffed gorilla** Grrrmph.

KIM RICHARDS  - Oh you. You make the crushing loneliness of an empty nest and the deep longing to sleep and never wake up disappear. For a few minutes, anyway.

KINGSLEY - **eats Kim's nose**

KIM RICHARDS  - Hey! That tickles!

Lisa meets with Kyle to discuss Sur catering her party...

KYLE RICHADS - Will you look at all these rumors, surrounding me every day? I just need some time, some time to get away.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Did you just quote the song "Rumors" by Timex Social Club?

KYLE RICHARDS - No, I was just speaking from my heart. I'm a business woman, you know. It's what we do.

MAURICIO - **enters holding Portia** Hola, mi amor con pelo largo y un fat ass.

KYLE RICHADS - I don't know what you said but I love the way you said it.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Hey, look who it is! It's the cheeky lad who puts his dick in every cocktail waitress west of Sepulveda!

**silence**

LISA VANDERPUMP  - I was just kidding. You know that, right guys? I'm English.

KYLE RICHARDS - Please leave.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Right-O. **leaves**

YoFo helps shop for Brandi's new fuck palace...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Ooooh, loving this ottoman. Can't you just imagine me sucking on the space between Jonathan's teeth while sitting on it?
 
YOLANDA FOSTER - I do not see how you suck on a space.

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  Yoyo, you're such a prude!

YOLANDA FOSTER - Help me understanding something, Brandi. First, Kyle says I'm a liar. Then, she does not call me when I am sick with Lyme disease.
 
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Typical. Which of these throw pillows looks better for giving blow jobs on?
 
YOLANDA FOSTER - The one with the flowers. So, should I go to the 100th Birthday Celebration of Beverly Hills at Kyle's house, or stay home with lemons?
 
BRANDI GLANDVILLE - You should go! Do you think these drapes will make my pussy look tight?
 
YOLANDA FOSTER - Design is all about balance. You are right. I will go.

At the Chamber of Commerce's 100th Birthday of Beverly Hills celebration, the new wives introduce themselves...

JOYCE GIRAURD DE OHOVEN - My husband and I love to run around naked and flap.

CARLTON GEBBIA - My childrens' names are Stevia, Mystery, Cross and Shambles.

LISA VANDERPUMP - For fuck's sake, Andy Cohen. Is this really the best you could do?


To be continued....