Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 1 - "Tooth or Consequences"

The cast.

At Kyle Richards's Chamber of Commerce party...

LISA VANDERPUMP - Kristen, please bartend outside.

KRISTEN - I'm thirty years old! Whatever! I do what I want!

LISA VANDERPUMP - So... what do you want?

KRISTEN - To go back to Sur for the night.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ok. Then you may.


LISA VANDERPUMP - Ken, maybe we should start actually making those reference calls before putting them on the payroll?

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - **darting his tongue in and out of Giggy's mouth** Did you say something, darling?

Stassi and her dad meet with Jax...

MR. SCHROEDER  - When I was your age, I had three kids and a job as an architect.

JAX - I am my age, and I'm on national television once a week and get to fuck hot chicks on the regs.

MR. SCHROEDER - You got me beat there, kiddo. **toasts Jax**

STASSI SCHROEDER - Hey! This isn't how it was supposed to go! Dad, you're supposed to shame him for being a bartender, talk about Steve McQueen, and then show him your gun.

MR. SCHROEDER - Stassi, you're kind of being... a bitch. 

STASSI SCHROEDER  - But that's just the result of being so good-looking, right?

MR. SCHROEDER - Right. That's it. 

JAX - Another Jack and Coke, Mr. S?

MR. SCHROEDER - Yep. Stassi, is your chin implant running?


MR. SCHROEDER - Then you better go catch it! 

JAX  - Good one, Mr. S!  

STASSI SCHROEDER - That doesn't even make sense!

JAX - I got it.

STASSI SCHROEDER -  Why don't you both fuck each other here on the table and get it over with?

MR. SCHROEDER - Hmmm. Not a bad idea.

JAX - I'm down.  

STASSI SCHROEDER - Ok, this is definitely not how this was supposed to go.

At Scheana's birthday party...

PANDORA VANDERPUMP MRS. JASON - I got you something, just in case your doughy boyfriend proposes.

SCHEANA - **unwraps hideous shoes** They're... amazing.

KRISTEN - **walks over to Scheana and Pandy** Happy birthday, I guess. Where'd you get those dick-sucking Thai prostitute shoes?

SCHEANA - Pandora gave them to me.  

KRISTEN - Oh fuck.

Scheana confronts Katie, Kristen and Stassi outside her birthday party...

SCHEANA - I felt so alone after my "accident." My mouth is my life!

KRISTEN - Ain't that the truth.

SCHEANA - The only person who called me when my two front teeth were knocked out in an "accident" was the bus boy who works on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And that's just because he wants to have sex with me.

STASSI - Sorry I didn't call you before your dentist appointment. Would you like a check-in call before you take a shit, too?

SCHEANA - Actually, I've been having some issues lately that even prune juice won't fix. If you could just text, or maybe tweet -



KATIE - Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

SCHEANA - See? I knew you guys didn't want me to be part of your group. You're just jealous of my successful singing career and cool purple tooth.

KRISTEN - It couldn't be because you're kind of annoying, could it?

SCHEANA - If that were the case, why did Pandora buy me those ugly dick-sucking Thai prostitute shoes?

PANDORA - **comes out for a cigarette, overhears** I heard that!

SCHEANA - Oh fuck.

The End.

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