Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 2 - "Faint Chance"

Yolanda and David Foster.

Yolanda prepares for surgery...

DAVID FOSTER - I will be here when you wake up. Marriage is in sickness and in health. 

YOLANDA FOSTER - And saggy taters and hanging jowels, right, my love? 

DAVID FOSTER  - Let's not get crazy now. 

YOLANDA FOSTER - Crap. Dutch crap.

DAVID FOSTER  -  Don't worry, my ex-wives are all well taken care of. They're in the best tax-payer funded mental health institutions in southeastern Wyoming. 

YOLANDA FOSTER Uh,  Doc, can you do a breast lift and eye lift while you're poking around in there? 

DOCTOR - Yolanda, I am a Lyme disease doctor, specializing in Lyme disease


DOCTOR  - But this is Beverly Hills. So yes.

Lisa and Gleb practice on ABC's Dancing with the Stars...

LISA VANDERPUMP - **Vienesse waltzing** La da dee, la da deeeeeeee, OOF! **falls to the ground**


- **wakes up** Dude, chill out. I'm fine.

- Phew. If you understood how much I hate Derek Hough and his expertly tinted eyebrows, you'd know how badly I want to win.

LISA VANDERPUMP - How'd I look when I went down?

GLEB - Like an angel in Eylures by Katy Perry.


Kyle and Kim watch from home...
KYLE RICHARDS - I'm an actresses, and we actresses know when another actress is acting. 
KIM RICHARDS - What? I stopped listening after you called yourself an actress. 
KYLE RICHARDS - Hello, Lisa faked fainting so she could go home. 
KIM RICHARDS  - You're Gleb, Matt, you're Gleb! 
KIM RICHARDS -  I just always wanted to say that. Felt like a good time.

Brandi moves into her new house while her mom watches...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - What do you think, Mom? I'm really moving on up, right? 

BRANDI'S MOM - Moving from one rented house to another rented house is more like a lateral move, wouldn't you say?  

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Lateral. Hmmmm.... Like, lats? **squats**


BRANDI GLANVILLE - Speaking of secondary sex glands, dad's still pretty mad that I put my fake plumpies on display at the Oscars. 

BRANDI'S MOM - Typical Larry. Lashing out when he's not allowed to touch something. 


Kim Richards is on the phone when her doorbell rings...

KIM RICHARDS - **holding the phone** Oh, somebody's at the door. I better end this conversation before I open, or it's kind of rude. 

**doorbell rings** 

KIM RICHARDS  - Totally, I apply it twice a day to the affected area. Five, if I've had too many shots of Listerine. 

**doorbell rings**  

KIM RICHARDS - Yes, you can still have Listerine. They didn't even confiscate it at the "facility."

**doorbell rings**  
KIM RICHARDS  - Ok, bye. **hangs up, opens door to find a man on her stoop** Hello. Are you here to train my dog? 

MAN - Sure. 

KIM RICHARDS - Great! The problem is that he eats gorilla eyes and excess nose cartilage like it's his job. That's half of my house inventory right there. 

MAN - **Kingsley jumps at him and he shoots him dead** There. Now he's trained. **leaves**

KIM RICHARDS - **runs out to the driveway to tell her son** Chad, the dog trainer murdered Kingsley!

CHAD - But the dog trainer is outside with me. 

DOG TRAINER - Hi, I'm Bob Johnson. Ready to get started? 

KIM RICHARDS  - Then who was... ? Shit.

Kyle Richards's holds a lunch party for Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraurd De Ohoven...

KYLE RICHARDS - Everybody please sit at your assigned seats.

JOYCE GIRAURD DE OHOVEN - This is very formal! I should have worn my sash. 

KYLE RICHARDS - The words "casual luncheon" have no meaning here. Unless you want me to listen to your story. Then I'm very casual. 

CARLTON GEBBIA - How lovely. When I first met my husband I was out at a club, punching bitches and slamming O Bombs. Then, I saw a bewitching -

KYLE RICHARDS  - Who wants wine?!? 


LADY FRIEND OF MAURICIO - I gotta great story, too. My titties once squirted milk at a police officer! 



KYLE RICHARDS - Now THAT is a story!

CARLTON GEBBIA -  No it's not.  Why is everybody laughing? STOP LAUGHING.


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