Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 3 - "Life's a Witch"

Brandi Glanville

In Brandi's bathroom...

JENNIFER GIMENEZ - How are things with Jonathan?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Same ol' same ol'. We fight, and then have mindblowing make-up sex. Then we argue, and have outasight make-up sex.

JENNIFER GIMENEZ - Are those two kinds of make-up sex different?

BRANDI GLANVILLE   - There's clearly a disconnect here, Jennifer. Let me get naked and hop in the tub. Then we'll be on the same page.

JENNIFER GIMENEZ- How will we be on the same page if I'm fully clothed sitting on the sink and you're naked in the bath?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - See, this is why I'm a recurring character on a Real Housewives iteration and you're a Dr. Drew castoff.

JENNIFER GIMENEZ - I'd be angry at that insult if I wasn't so damn impressed that you used the word iteration.


Brandi meets Jonathan for dinner...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - You're the first man I've brought around my kids. Even though they think you're just my realtor.

JONATHAN RUIZ - I guess the sex we've had on every surface of your house in plain view of your children never tipped them off.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - They're not the brightest.

JONATHAN RUIZ -  Listen, I want to apologize for taking a trip to Texas with my oldest and dearest friends and not inviting you, a woman I've been fucking for a few weeks.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I'll never be able to get past that, Jonathan. Texas is my second favorite place in the world, next to the bath tub. It's over.

JONATHAN RUIZ - Is this one of those times where we fight and then have mindblowing make-up sex?



Carlton has the women over for lunch...

CARLTON GEBBIA - Elizy, will you get the door?

ELIZY - Not before I get a tongue kiss from your two-year-old son.

CARLTON GEBBIA - Oh, you. Cross is a very lucky boy.

KYLE RICHARDS -  **enters** Shit, she's clearly richer than me.  

CARLTON GEBBIA - What was that?

KYLE RICHARDS - Er, nothing! Beautiful home.

CARLTON GEBBIA - Thank you. It is my castle. Please take note of the crosses on the wall.

KYLE RICHARDS - Crosses, huh? Are you Catholic?

CARLTON GEBBIA - No. And these here are the brooms that I ride into the night, while attempting to avoid the dark side.

KYLE RICHARDS- Brooms, eh? You a witch?

CARLTON GEBBIA - No. This is a Torah that I study every evening.

KYLE RICHARDS - A Torah? Then you're a Jew.

CARLTON GEBBIA - No. And here is the hijab I place upon my head in the presence of males.

KYLE RICHARDS - Got it! Muslim!

CARLTON GEBBIA -  Hasn't anyone ever told you that's it's rude to take notice of religious imagery that your hostess has displayed in her house and then ask if that imagery is meaningful to said hostess?

KIM RICHARDS - Don't mind us. We were raised on the Disney lot under the etiquette tutelage of Mickey Rooney.

CARLTON GEBBIA -  I don't know who that is, but he sounds dreadful.

The ladies sit down to eat...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - So, Kyle, word on TMZ is that Mauricio loves sticking his dick in the armpits of meth-addicted transgendered prostitutes.

KIM RICHARDS - Don't bring meth into this. What did it ever do to you?

JOYCE GIRAURD DE OHOVEN  - Do you really think this is appropriate luncheon conversation? PS - my pussy is super tight and husband's penis is very large.

KYLE RICHARDS - Fuck all of you! My husband loves me and would never touch another woman!

LISA VANDERPUMP - Nobody said anything about a woman...

KYLE RICHARDS - You can all go to hell! Don't forget that I'm the LUCKIEST girl in Beverly Hills! The fucking LUCKIEST!

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  Geez. If I'd have known bringing it up would have made everyone so touchy, I wouldn't have said anything.


BRANDI GLANVILLE So Lisa, Kyle thinks your faint was fake.


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