Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Summer House Recap, Season 3, Episode 1 - "Elephant in the Room"


Lindsay and Danielle meet in "the city" before driving to the Hamptons...

LINDSAY HUBBARD - I need some rosé, girl! Being a public relations rep for a laundromat in the "Big Apple" is soooo stressful.

DANIELLE OLIVERA - Oh, wow. You look, um, different.

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Oh, these old things?

DANIELLE OLIVERA - More like those new things.

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Just bench presses and Victoria's Secret.

DANIELLE OLIVERA - And I'm an interesting person.

Lindsay Hubbard and Kyle Cooke Address the Elephant in the Summer House

At the house, Kyle and Amanda discuss how Lindsay and Danielle unfollowed Amanda on social media...

KYLE COOKE - Those bitches still follow The Fat Jewish, for fuck's sake.

AMANDA BATULA - They still follow Boo, and Boo's dead!

KYLE COOKE - This will not stand. I know what I have to do.

AMANDA BATULA - Confront them face to face?

KYLE COOKE - What year is this, 1987? I will write them a 17-page email.

AMANDA BATULA - Lindsay's never read anything longer than the instructions on a box of Nice 'n Easy Born Blonde.

KYLE COOKE - Eh, I've got time on my hands. The free-balling shorts business has been slow, shockingly.

Carl Radke is a Self-Proclaimed "Recovering F*** Boy"

Carl arrives at the house...

CARL RADKE - It's me, Carl. I'm a changed man.

KYLE COOKE - Teeth whitening is a big step, but I wouldn't go as far as "changed man".

CARL RADKE - I'm no longer a fuck boy. Now I wait at least 30 minutes after having sex with a woman before I have sex with a different woman.

LAUREN WIRKUS - **appears, throws a cake in Carl's face** 

CARL RADKE - I thought you weren't on the show this season.

LAUREN WIRKUS - I'm not. I've been living in the bushes, waiting for the opportunity to seek vengeance on behalf of all womankind.

CARL RADKE - Your face has been looking significantly less Michael Jackson-y lately.

LAUREN WIRKUS - **pulls down her pants.** Take me now.

CARL RADKE - Ok. **they do it**

Lindsay Hubbard is Turning a New Leaf This Summer

Lindsay and Danielle arrive at the house to find Amanda cooking...

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Oh, you're chopping vegetables.

KYLE COOKE - Yeah, now that we're a COUPLE we're super MATURE and do things like chop vegetables.

AMANDA BATULA - We thought we'd have dinner at the house tonight.

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Aw, man. This puts us in a tough spot. My high-profile client The Wiener Wagon offered us free tater bites with the purchase of a jumbo wiener boat.

AMANDA BATULA - I mean, I've been slaving over a hot stove all day, but if you really want to go -

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Bye. **Danielle, Carl, Lindsay and Hannah leave**


The lame people eat dinner at the house...

KYLE COOKE - This is soooooo much better than going out in the Hamptons on a Friday night, right, everybody?

PAIGE DESORBO - You know how my parents are so Catholic they don't let me use tampons? They're more fun than this dinner.

HANNAH BERNER - I wish I was Monica Seles right now.

AMANDA BATULA - Aw, she's your tennis idol?


JORDAN VERROI - Guys, perk up. We have asparagus. We can smell each other's pee in an hour to see if the rumor is true.

KYLE COOKE - Who the fuck is this guy?

AMANDA BATULA - The bar for "Stephen Replacement" was set pretty low.

KYLE COOKE - I see that.

Danielle Olivera Takes Matters Into Her Own Hands

After their night out, Lindsay, Danielle, and Hannah hit the hot tub...

LINDSAY HUBBARD - Stick with us, instead of those young, beautiful people, and you'll really go places.

DANIELLE OLIVERA - Places like The Wiener Wagon.

HANNAH BERNER - I did enjoy those tater bites.

LINDSAY HUBBARD - See, we unfollowed Amanda because they keep posing as the perfect couple, but Kyle cheated on her while he was blacked out.

HANNAH BERNER - So, if he was blacked out, to his knowledge, they're still the perfect couple?

DANIELLE OLIVERA -Hmmm, you're sure starting to sound like one of the young, beautiful people in the house.

HANNAH BERNER - No, please, I didn't mean it!

LINDSAY HUBBARD - You're learning, Grasshopper. Very good.

To be continued... 


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