Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Challenge Recap: Invasion of the Champions, Episode 3 - "Helter Shelter"


Paddlin' for Pad Thai. 


In Thailand, sponsored by Burger King...

TJ LAVIN - Some of you have yet to secure a spot in our IKEA-furnished McMansion.

BURGER KING REP - Excuse me? 

TJ LAVIN Shit. Er, Whopper-of-a-House?

BURGER KING REP - Better. 

TJ LAVIN - If you're not in the Oasis yet, you have to roll around in a cage and pull on a rope.

TONY - Glad I'm out of this one - that's how both of my daughters were conceived. 

TJ LAVIN - Winner gets a free year of Burger King. **points at Ashley** I see you, West Virginia.

ASHLEY - HOLLER! No, really. I live in a holler.



At the shelter...

NELSON - That was some vigorous nature-sex.

LATOYA - Glad we found a way to work in a stray dog. 

NELSON  - I'm really nervous about the rolling-in-a-cage challenge. I can't face my family if I lose.

LATOYA - You've already disappointed them more than you can possibly know by being on "Are You The One".

NELSON  - True. 



Cut to the Champs in the gym, saying vaguely threatening things to the camera...

DARRELL - We're coming for you!

CARA MARIA - Look out!

JOHNNY BANANAS - Get ready!

 CAMILA - You gonna FUCKING DIE!!!!!!! 

**silence**

 CAMILA -  Too much?



At the rolling-in-a-cage challenge, Shane wins...

SHANE -  To all the people who said I couldn't do it - 

DARIO - Who even said that to you, ever?

SHANE - Um... my brother told me to pack medical tape. Kinda discouraging.




At a buddhist temple...

TJ LAVIN - I welcome you, people who get drunk on TV for a living, to this sacred site of prayer and reflection.

ANTHONY - Titties. 

TJ LAVIN - You won't think it's so "titties" when you're walking slowly down steps and drinking dirty water. 

SYLVIA - Psssh, "dirty water." I just ate Burger King. Diarrhea's already on the menu.

BURGER KING REP - This sponsorship is not going at all how we'd planned. 

**the contestants walk down steps and drink dirty water**

TJ LAVIN - LaToya and Anthony, Bye. 




The remaining contestants arrive at the Oasis...

KAILAH - Toilet paper!!! I can finally wear my one-piece thong without severe hygiene issues!

TONY - A weight room!!! I can finally do bench presses! **does a set** Dammit, now I gotta deal with a pregnant bench. 

ASHLEY - **to Hunter** So, what do you say you make an honest woman out of me and pound it out in the pool?

HUNTER - I'm a Southern Gentleman. I'll wait until I'm in a bunk bed with four other people in the room watching. 

ASHLEY - **looks down** The South has risen again!

JENNA - I don't get it. 


THE END.

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