Friday, July 29, 2016

Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Season 8 Episode 17 - "And Away We Finally Go"

Luann sings to herself as she straightens up the yacht...

COUNTESS LUANN - Gettin' married, gonna live happily ever after, plannin' to watch Tom have sex with a Cape Verdean tween while I count dollars... Scratch that - while I eat crackers and our DOLLAR COUNTER counts dollars...

JULES WAINSTEIN - **steps aboard the yacht** Hello? Anybody home?

COUNTESS LUANN - Jules! Oh, Jules! I'm so very happy you're here.

JULES WAINSTEIN - Wow. That's the warmest welcome I've ever gotten from anybody. See, I'm Asian, and we don't like to make a show -

COUNTESS LUANN - Right, the Asian stuff again.

JULES WAINSTEIN - I got Jew stuff, too.

COUNTESS LUANN - Oh, is that Ramona I see in the distance?

JULES WAINSTEIN - No. There's nobody but you and me.

COUNTESS LUANN - Sonja? Other fuck buddies of my fiance? I'll take whoever I can get.

JULES WAINSTEIN - Just us. Hey, you got any soy sauce for my gefilte fish?


Bethenny chats with a "friend" in Miami...

BETHENNY FRANKEL - So the doctor said I can go on a plane and bleed all over the place, but no boats.

RANDO FRIEND - He's smart. There are sharks out there.

BETHENNY FRANKEL - Right. I can't have a shark be eating all up in my uterus.

RANDO FRIEND -You would have stayed with Eric Stonestreet if that wasn't a concern.

BETHENNY FRANKEL - Was that a joke? Who's the one on the show here?


BETHENNY FRANKEL - Stick to nodding enthusiastically, Friend Of.

RANDO FRIEND - **nods enthusiastically**

BETHENNY FRANKEL - I got some texts that could mean Luann's wedding to Tom is off.

RANDO FRIEND - **nods enthusiastically**

BETHENNY FRANKEL - It's like talking to a wall over here.

After Sonja, Ramona and Carole greet a giddy Luann, they retreat to an interior state room...

RAMONA SINGER - How does it feel to see Tom marrying Luann, knowing he just used you like a post-menopausal, rapidly-deflating blow up doll?

SONJA MORGAN - Excuse me! Peri-menopausal, rapidly-deflating blow up doll.

RAMONA SINGER - Potato, po-tah-canary diamond that's bigger than yours.

CAROLE RADZIWILL  - Ladies, ladies. Be chill. I'm trying to digest Adam's cauliflower radish dump cake and need a calm environment.

RAMONA SINGER - At least your tits look good.


RAMONA SINGER - Not you, dump cake.

Tom finally arrives...

TOM D'AGOSTINO - Hello, Fiance. Hello, other women I've let tickle my taint.

SONJA MORGAN - He just loves that.

COUNTESS LUANN - Well, all that taint stuff is BL - Before Lu.

TOM D'AGOSTINO - Wait, what's happening to my taint?

COUNTESS LUANN - I mean, the other people tickling your taint is BL.

JULES WAINSTEIN - I'm Asian. We're VERY big on taint stuff.

TOM D'AGOSTINO - Who the hell is this?

COUNTESS LUANN - This year's Kristen Taekman. Except she's going to actually go through with the divorce.

RAMONA SINGER - Hey, I just got a text from Bethenny!

SONJA MORGAN - How can she text when her vagina's so bloody? Talk about a Renaissance woman!

RAMONA SINGER - Here, let me read it aloud.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - I don't know if that's a good idea...

RAMONA SINGER - Why's that? You don't think there could be something incriminating about Tom in this text, do you?

CAROLE RADZIWILL - No, I'm Facetiming with Adam. He's making prune n' nut cheese freeze pops.



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