Southern Charm Recap: Season 2, Episode 1 - "Return To Neverland"

Patricia Altschul

At Patricia's estate...

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - I'm up and ready for the wedding.

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - Laying in your bed with a breakfast tray hardly constitutes "up". And besides, it's a christening.

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - Didn't we already go to a baptism for that bastard?

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - Mother!

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - Sorry, sorry. I forgot it's called a "christening", not a baptism.

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - C'mon. It'll be an opportunity to snicker and point.

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - **jumps out of bed** Ok, I'm in.

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH  - Don't forget the custom ice-crushing bag for your martinis.

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - I may be old, but I'm not senile. **pulls ice-crushing bag out of her bra**

Craig arrives at his law firm job at 3:30 pm...

CRAIG'S BOSS - Craig, part of being an adult is getting to work at 9 am.

CRAIG CONOVER - Studies have shown that "flex time" reduces stress on the environment, infrastructure, and circadian clock.

CRAIG'S BOSS -  Where'd you read that?

CRAIG CONOVER - Maxim.

At Thomas Ravenel's Edisto Island plantation...

SHEP ROSE - Cameran,  I'd like you to meet my old drinking buddy Landon.

LANDON CLEMENTS - Giggle giggle giggle.

CAMERAN EUBANKS - So nice to meet you.

LANDON CLEMENTS - Giggle giggle.

CAMERAN EUBANKS - I gotta hand it to you, Shep. She's a step up in the vocabulary department from your usual acquaintances.

SHEP ROSE - Thanks. Well, here we all are, at the world's strongest endorsement for putting it in a girl's butt.

LANDON CLEMENTS - GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE!!!!

SHEP ROSE - I guess I know what I'll be doing in a few hours.

LANDON CLEMENTS - **angrily** Giggle.

SHEP ROSE - Oooooh. Fiesty.

At Christening 2.0...

KATHRYN CALHOUN - Time for my daughter to experience Christian life without a leg-grabbing slut as a godmother.

ELIZABETH - That's what I'm here for **hands over Kensington** She reeks.

KATHRYN CALHOUN - Yeah, she shit herself a few days ago. **walks outside for ceremony** I so appreciate you all gathering to witness my attempt at being a proper Southern mother and cohabitant.

THOMAS RAVENEL - All you single guys need to get with the program, and impregnate a teenager who you have no intention of marrying.

KATHRYN CALHOUN - **whispers to Thomas** I told you, I'm gonna lose the baby weight.

THOMAS RAVENEL - Still not happening.

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - Are you enjoying yourself, Mother?

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - I'm six cartinis in. What do you think?

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - Noted.

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL  - You know, in my day, her parents would send her to a home for unwed mothers, change their name and move to Missoula.

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH - You're lucky you can stand tall with me as your son.

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - The lead singer from Train called. He wants his facelift back.

WHITNEY SUDLER-SMITH -  Huh?

PATRICIA ALTSCHUL - Oh, nothing.

The End.