The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 9 - "There Will Be Bloodwork"

At the Marchese residence...

AMBER MARCHESE - Jim, I think The Cancer is back.

JIM MARCHESE -  That's impossible. You have Sir Isaac Newton, the patron saint of The Cancer, on your shirt. 

AMBER MARCHESE -  That's Christopher Columbus.

JIM MARCHESE - Sorry, they didn't bother with minutiae like that in LAW SCHOOL. Where I studied to be a LAWYER.

AMBER MARCHESE - **starts to cry** I can't go through a wimpy ponytail again. I just can't.  **swings her hair**

JIM MARCHESE - We'll get through this, you dumb fuck. 

AMBER MARCHESE - Excuse me?

JIM MARCHESE - Sorry. Bad habit.

Dina and Teresa meet up for Girl Time...

TERESA GIUDICE - So Rino went with Teresa's mother. 

DINA MANZO -  Went where? 

TERESA GIUDICE - To her dried-up chuckalina, duh. **pats Dina's cheeks** So innocent. 

DINA MANZO - Oh no.

TERESA GIUDICE - Yep. Victoria Gotti told me, so you know it's true.

DINA MANZO -  Teresa, I didn't need to know that. I don't like gossip. 

TERESA GIUDICE - Uh... are you in the right show?

DINA MANZO - Eh, I still have my heart set on a guest spot on Manzo'd with Children. 

At Ash Wednesday mass...

AMBER MARCHESE - This Lentil mass is too much. I gotta go.

JIM MARCHESE -  Can't you hold it for another ten minutes? 

AMBER MARCHESE -  Not that, Jim. Another biological human need. The need to comfort a distant acquaintance with crocodile tears while she's at the trainer. **calls Teresa** 

TERESA GIUDICE - Hello? 

AMBER MARCHESE - **sobs** Bwaaahaaaaaaa! 

TERESA GIUDICE - Joe, I told you not to watch The Good Wife while drinking red wine. 

AMBER MARCHESE  - This is Amber. 

TERESA GIUDICE - Who? 

AMBER MARCHESE  -  You know... "You, you, LET'S GO"?

TERESA GIUDICE - Oh.

AMBER MARCHESE  -  I just want to know if you're doing alright and if you're going to jail and if you're regular and if you like Jujubes. 

TERESA GIUDICE -Can this call wait? My trainer is terrifying.

AMBER MARCHESE  -  Oh, totally. I'm really busy too with Lentils. 

 TERESA GIUDICE - **hangs up** Fuckin' weirdo.

Rino flips his Speedo-clad peen at Teresa...

RINO APREA - Hey, look! My penis! Woo woo woo!

TERESA APREA - Rino! You gotta rest up for your colonoscopy tomorrow.

RINO APREA -  Who needs rest to get a microscope up the poop shoot?

TERESA APREA - It's called a colon, Rino.

RINO APREA -  What is this, English class? HA!

TERESA APREA - C'mon, Rino. Enough with the jokes.

RINO APREA -  Your mother didn't seem to mind my jokes last night.

**Silence**

RINO APREA - Shit. Wrong crowd.



THE END.