Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap, Episode 14 - "Sex, Lies and Facials"

Kelly Killoren Bensimon

After the Saratoga trip, Luann hosts a luncheon to raise money for cancer...

COUNTESS LUANN -  It's been a rough week, especially for those with a penchant for baby doll dresses that a slight breeze can send over your head. 

SONJA MORGAN - What can I say?

COUNTESS LUANN - But we're all here to kick cancer's butt, including my very special surprise guest!

HEATHER THOMSON - I hope it's Akon.

COUNTESS LUANN - Straight from Bellevue, please welcome... Kelly Killoren Bensimon!

KELLY BENSIMON - Satchels of gold. I'm up here, you're down there. Jellybeans. Beer n' trucks. Close your eyes.

RAMONA SINGER - Oh christ.

AVIVA DRESCHER - She sounds delightfully disconnected from reality. I'll have what she's having.

COUNTESS LUANN - It's a $500 dress.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Damn it. Fine.

A speaker shares her heartbreaking story while the Housewives giggle at their table...

SPEAKER - My mother had cancer.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Read this text. My father had a threesome with Cody and Miss USA!

SPEAKER - It was traumatizing for me and the whole family.

AVIVA DRESCHER - He said she has nipples in places you wouldn't even think to look!

SPEAKER - She was a loving, classy, and respectful older woman.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Ha! My dad, the pervert. Such a cut up.

COUNTESS LUANN - NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR PEDO DAD. Now please listen to this nice lady talk about cancer.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Geez. Somebody hasn't had her testosterone shot yet today.

Sonja and Kristen get facials with Sakoto Yamazaki at Sonja's townhouse...

SONJA MORGAN -  Sorry I'm late. I was fucking the guy who pretends to work at Port Authority and then asks for tips.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - That's ok. I like your hat.

SAKOTO THE FACIALIST - I hear you have sex with all of Aerosmith, and the Countess likes to go to church with little French men.

SONJA MORGAN - Yep. All true.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - What?! This all sounds like salacious gossip to me.

SAKOTO THE FACIALIST -- I hear your husband is Jewish Alfred E. Neuman who loves running in mud.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Ok, this chick's good.

At Aviva's apartment...

COUNTESS LUANN - I think you planted Miss USA at my ladies' luncheon so you could bring attention to your George Hamilton-with-an-overbite father.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Oh yeah? Your daughter's painting is nasty trash! 

COUNTESS LUANN - It fits right in at this house! And you still owe her $45 for it.

AVIVA DRESCHER - I'll give her a check if I can find her. She's always passed out in bushes, so it's hard.

RAMONA SINGER - Ladies, ladies, PLEASE! I interrogated Miss USA at length, and my findings are not consistent with that of a threesome.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Oh whatever. Look at you people, trying to disparage my father's active and fascinating sex life.

REID DRESCHER - I wish you took this much of an interest in our sex life.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Hit the road, Dad jeans.

To be continued...

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