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| John H. |
Max and Nev skype with John...
JOHN - Hi, I'm John. **takes off hat**
MAX JOSEPH - We both think it's in your best interest to put the hat back on.
JOHN - Ok. **puts hat back on** I'm in love with Kelsey Beelzebub. I met her in a psychology chat room.
NEV SCHULMAN - A small step up from the Tila Tequila chat room we had last season.
JOHN - Oh, and one more thing... I'm in Michigan.
NEV SCHULMAN - NOOOOOOO!!!!
MAX JOSEPH - What is it about your stupid state that makes everyone resort to the internet?
JOHN - Hearty servings of meat pie and nasal accents that make Gilbert Godfried sound like Julie Andrews.
NEV SCHULMAN - RIP.
MAX JOSEPH - Julie Andrews is dead?
NEV SCHULMAN - I just assumed.
Nev and Max visit John's house in Dearborn, Michigan...
NEV SCHULMAN - Wow, a water slide?!?!
JOHN - Stop blowing smoke up my ass. I know this house sucks.
NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, good. So tell us about Kelsey.
JOHN - She has body dysmorphic disorder, but stages selfie bikini shoots at the beach on the regs.
MAX JOSEPH -Those two things don't sound consistent.
JOHN - Hey, which one of us is spending all the time he's not basement masturbating in a psychology chat room, you or me?
Nev and Max do research at a coffee shop...
NEV SCHULMAN - Let's message all these anxious losers and see what they'll tell us about Kelsey.
MAX JOSEPH - Nev, social anxiety is a serious mental disorder.
NEV SCHULMAN - Now who's spending all the time he's not basement masturbating in a psychology chat room?
MAX JOSEPH - Excuse me for trying to broaden my horizons.
NEV SCHULMAN - Oh, we got a response!
ELLIE - I'm Ellie in the Faroe Islands.
MAX JOSEPH - Is that where they have the turtles?
ELLIE - Absolutely not.
NEV SCHULMAN - Do you know Adam D. Gambler and Kelsey Beelzebub?
ELLIE -Yes. Adam is my boyfriend and Kelsey is my confidante.
NEV SCHULMAN - What sort of things do you tell her?
ELLIE - You know, girl stuff. Like when I have diarrhea.
MAX JOSEPH - Man, I am very out of touch with girls in the Millennial generation.
In Orlando...
NEV SCHULMAN - We contacted Kelsey, and she's ready to meet you after she buys a new outfit at the mall.
JOHN - That doesn't sound like something a real girl would say.
NEV SCHULMAN - We've recently learned we know nothing about real girls at all. **they enter a casino to look for Kelsey**
MAX JOSEPH - This is the most depressing place I've ever been in my life.
NEV SCHULMAN - And we've been to Cincinnati.
MAX JOSEPH - Look, there's someone in the back who doesn't look like they'd need a spoonful of Metamucil in the morning.
ADAM BRINES - Hi, I'm Kelsey. Aka Adam the Gambler. I likely have Aspergers.
MAX JOSEPH - Very self aware of you.
NEV SCHULMAN - So you scam people in chat rooms just like you scam everyone in this "casino"?
ADAM BRINES - Please don't use quotes around casino. This is a legitimate gaming facility.
MAX JOSEPH - **throws camera down** I'm out of here.
ADAM BRINES - Muahahahaha. Just the reaction I wanted.
NEV SCHULMAN - Villains don't usually dart their eyes around the room like a sixth grader in a cafeteria.
ADAM BRINES - I said I likely have Aspergers, you insensitive prick.
John sits down with Adam at a cafe the next day...
JOHN - So why'd you do it?
ADAM BRINES - Primarily for the dick pics.
JOHN - Oh no. I forgot about those.
ADAM BRINES - But I also thought it would distract you from flirting with Ellie.
NEV SCHULMAN - What a coincidence, because we have Ellie live via satellite!
ADAM BRINES - Fuck. I knew I should have used an extra Stridex pad this morning. **moves to LA and gets a non-Bieber haircut**
THE END.
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