Thursday, June 12, 2014

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 6 - "John & Kelsey"

John H.

Max and Nev skype with John...

JOHN - Hi, I'm John. **takes off hat**

MAX JOSEPH - We both think it's in your best interest to put the hat back on.

JOHN - Ok. **puts hat back on** I'm in love with Kelsey Beelzebub. I met her in a psychology chat room.

NEV SCHULMAN - A small step up from the Tila Tequila chat room we had last season.

JOHN - Oh, and one more thing... I'm in Michigan.


MAX JOSEPH - What is it about your stupid state that makes everyone resort to the internet?

JOHN - Hearty servings of meat pie and nasal accents that make Gilbert Godfried sound like Julie Andrews.


MAX JOSEPH - Julie Andrews is dead?

NEV SCHULMAN - I just assumed.

Nev and Max visit John's house in Dearborn, Michigan...

NEV SCHULMAN - Wow, a water slide?!?!

JOHN - Stop blowing smoke up my ass. I know this house sucks.

NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, good. So tell us about Kelsey.

JOHN - She has body dysmorphic disorder, but stages selfie bikini shoots at the beach on the regs.

MAX JOSEPH -Those two things don't sound consistent.

JOHN -  Hey, which one of us is spending all the time he's not basement masturbating in a psychology chat room, you or me?

 Nev and Max do research at a coffee shop... 

NEV SCHULMAN - Let's message all these anxious losers and see what they'll tell us about Kelsey.

MAX JOSEPH - Nev, social anxiety is a serious mental disorder.

NEV SCHULMAN - Now who's spending all the time he's not basement masturbating in a psychology chat room?

MAX JOSEPH -  Excuse me for trying to broaden my horizons.

NEV SCHULMAN - Oh, we got a response!

ELLIE - I'm Ellie in the Faroe Islands.

MAX JOSEPH - Is that where they have the turtles?

ELLIE - Absolutely not.

NEV SCHULMAN - Do you know Adam D. Gambler and Kelsey Beelzebub?

ELLIE -Yes. Adam is my boyfriend and Kelsey is my confidante.

NEV SCHULMAN - What sort of things do you tell her?

ELLIE - You know, girl stuff. Like when I have diarrhea.

MAX JOSEPH - Man, I am very out of touch with girls in the Millennial generation.

In Orlando...

NEV SCHULMAN - We contacted Kelsey, and she's ready to meet you after she buys a new outfit at the mall.

JOHN - That doesn't sound like something a real girl would say.

NEV SCHULMAN - We've recently learned we know nothing about real girls at all. **they enter a casino to look for Kelsey**

MAX JOSEPH - This is the most depressing place I've ever been in my life.

NEV SCHULMAN - And we've been to Cincinnati. 

MAX JOSEPH - Look, there's someone in the back who doesn't look like they'd need a spoonful of Metamucil in the morning.

ADAM BRINES - Hi, I'm Kelsey. Aka Adam the Gambler. I likely have Aspergers.

MAX JOSEPH - Very self aware of you.

NEV SCHULMAN - So you scam people in chat rooms just like you scam everyone in this "casino"?

ADAM BRINES - Please don't use quotes around casino. This is a legitimate gaming facility.

MAX JOSEPH - **throws camera down** I'm out of here.

ADAM BRINES - Muahahahaha. Just the reaction I wanted.

NEV SCHULMAN - Villains don't usually dart their eyes around the room like a sixth grader in a cafeteria.

ADAM BRINES - I said I likely have Aspergers, you insensitive prick.

John sits down with Adam at a cafe the next day...

JOHN - So why'd you do it?

ADAM BRINES - Primarily for the dick pics.

JOHN - Oh no. I forgot about those.

ADAM BRINES - But I also thought it would distract you from flirting with Ellie.

NEV SCHULMAN - What a coincidence, because we have Ellie live via satellite!

ADAM BRINES - Fuck. I knew I should have used an extra Stridex pad this morning. **moves to LA and gets a non-Bieber haircut**


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