Thursday, June 19, 2014

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 7 - "Solana & Elijah"

Elijah Prok

In Ocean View, Delaware...

SOLANA ALVAREZ - I have a boyfriend, but I'm still hung up on a dirty mop. **shows pic of Elijah**

MAX JOSEPH - Ah, an elfin dirty mop.

SOLANA ALVAREZ - Yep. I'll do your hair for free if you guys help me out.

NEV SCHULMAN - If your weird poodle-do is the template, I think we'll pass.

SOLANA ALVAREZ - Get in the fucking chair.

NEV SCHULMAN - Yes, ma'am.

SOLANA ALVAREZ - Ooooh. Got some greys up in here.

MAX JOSEPH - Is there something wrong with that?

SOLANA ALVAREZ - Um, of course not.  It's, like, distinguished or whatever.

NEV SCHULMAN - So tell us about Elijah.

SOLANA ALVAREZ -We met on MySpace, and he's killer with a flat iron.

MAX JOSEPH - Everything about this story is extremely 2008.

SOLANA ALVAREZ -You're telling me. I have two sets of gauges.

Max and Nev do research at the Hyatt Place...

MAX JOSEPH - My parents are coming here today.

NEV SCHULMAN - Hashtag Not Interesting.

MAX JOSEPH - Oh, people only care about YOU, right?

NEV SCHULMAN - Hashtag Relatable.

MAX JOSEPH - I guess that's true. The naive idiots we work with can relate to another naive idiot the best.

NEV SCHULMAN - Hashtag Rude.

MAX JOSEPH - Well, let's do some research.

NEV SCHULMAN - Hashtag Ok.

MAX JOSEPH - Can you cut it the fuck out?

Nev and Max share their findings with Solana...

NEV SCHULMAN - We found some interesting results for Elijah Prok on the internet.


NEV SCHULMAN - Unfortunately, no. Just some emo YouTube videos.

SOLANA ALVAREZ - Bummer. Well, I guess it must be him.

NEV SCHULMAN - You don't find the fact that Elijah doesn't even have a phone yet uploads videos to the internet to be curious?

SOLANA ALVAREZ - Not really.

MAX JOSEPH - This coming from a girl who gets a massive back tattoo of a lioness faster than your Vito is ready at Jimmy John's.

SOLANA ALVAREZ - What are you talking about?

MAX JOSEPH - It's called "foreshadowing."

In Savage, Minnesota, the group rings the doorbell of a sweet split-level...

NEV SCHULMAN - So Danny really doesn't care that you're on this trip?

SOLANA ALVAREZ - Nah. He had some freaky sexual experiences in the Marines, so he's down for whatever.

JOSH - **opens front door** Hi, I'm Josh.

NEV SCHULMAN - Are you Elijah?

JOSH - I just said I'm Josh, dumbass. Let me go get him. **goes to the basement**

SOLANA ALVAREZ - If Josh comes up in a flat-ironed wig, I will rip it off and piss on it.


ELIJAH PROK - Hi, I'm Elijah.

NEV SCHULMAN - It's really you! Why don't you have a phone or internet access?

ELIJAH PROK - I'm poor as shit. Thanks for bringing it to everybody's attention.

At a skate park...

SOLANA ALVAREZ - I wrote in my diary last night that Danny is the right one for me. Mostly because he has a steady paycheck.

ELIJAH PROK - I understand. Not every girl can handle the wild skateboarding lifestyle I lead.

SOLANA ALVAREZ - I could tell you led a wild lifestyle when your mom said she worried about your internet activity.

ELIJAH PROK - Hey, why don't we get matching tattoos?

SOLANA ALVAREZ - Sounds like a mature and rational decision to me! **gets tattoo**

NEV SCHULMAN - Ah, to be young and stupid.

MAX JOSEPH - **coughs** Tramp stamp! **coughs**


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