Thursday, June 5, 2014

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 5 - "Tracie & Sammie"

Tracie Thoms and Nev Schulman.

Max and Nev skype with Tracie Thoms...

TRACIE THOMS - Hello. I starred in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof.

MAX JOSEPH - Man, Rose McGowan has NOT aged well.

TRACIE THOMS - I'm not Rose McGowan, you dick. I was one of the "bad asses" in the car. 

NEV SCHULMAN - I've never heard of you, but you live in Los Angeles, which means I get to make out with my girlfriend on camera.

MAX JOSEPH - He really wants to prove to everyone that he's not gay.

TRACIE THOMS - I don't think having actual intercourse with a million women on camera would prove that.

Nev and Max arrive at Tracie's very humble abode...

NEV SCHULMAN - So this is what being in a Tarantino movie will buy you in Hollywood, huh?

MAX JOSEPH - Samuel L. Jackson must live in a cardboard box. 

TRACIE THOMS - You both should know that my Catfish is not romantic in nature. It's just a lesbian trying to have sex with me.

MAX JOSEPH - Nice. Got pics? **Tracie shows pics of Sammie** I regret asking.

TRACIE THOMS - She's my biggest fan. Well, she'd be my biggest fan if I had more than one.

MAX JOSEPH - So is there a problem? Or do you just want to publicize the independent film you're working on?

TRACIE THOMS - Of course not! The problem is that Sammie created and killed off a person named Reese, **coughs** and my independent film is available on Netflix starting July 1st.

Nev and Max sit down to do research...

NEV SCHULMAN - Well, Tracie already called the funeral home from the photo of Reese's funeral.

MAX JOSEPH - We should stick to working with dumb people so we appear useful.

NEV SCHULMAN - We could still round up other D-List celebs Sammie's stalked, and see how many times they say the word "zealous."

MAX JOSEPH - Sounds good to me.

The group flies to Philadephia and approach Sammie on the street...

MAX JOSEPH - Excuse me, Lizbian?

SAMANTHA DAVIS - That's Samantha, to you.

MAX JOSEPH - Oh. Ok, Samantha. Did you Catfish Tracie here?

SAMANTHA DAVIS -  I did. My parents are deaf and I needed a creative outlet.

NEV SCHULMAN - Makes sense. Ok, thanks for everything! **starts to leave**

TRACIE THOMS - Wait, we're not done.

NEV SCHULMAN - Geez, somebody who doesn't have a girlfriend in Los Angeles to kiss has all the time in the world, huh?

TRACIE THOMS - Why did you give Reese cancer and stage her funeral?

SAMANTHA DAVIS -  I was in too deep, and luckily, my cousin died that same week.

NEV SCHULMAN - You could use your talents for good, you know.  There's caulking, carpentry, and Birkenstock repair.

SAMANTHA DAVIS -  Do those hobby suggestions have anything to do with me being a lesbian?

NEV SCHULMAN - What?!? No way. They just, um, came to me.


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