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| Kristen Taekman and Jay Cardiello |
Kristen films a fitness video in her apartment...
JAY CARDIELLO, FITNESS HOST - Hey, gang! We're in a sad living room with dated venetian blinds, ready to pump you UP!
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Yeah! **attempts several squats but becomes fatigued**
JOSH TAEKMAN - Looks like somebody could use a sip of eboost.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - FUCK YOOOOUUUUU!!!!
JAY CARDIELLO- Um... Go ahead and give me a burpee, gang!
PRODUCER - Oh god. This won't even make it to the discount bin of a vacant Blockbuster.
Sonja's healer comes to her townhouse...
ALETA ST. JAMES - If I can birth twins at age 57, anything is possible.
SONJA MORGAN - Even you living past their first wet dream?
ALETA ST. JAMES - I didn't mean literally anything, smart ass.
SONJA MORGAN - What's on tap for today? If we're gonna do the slabs of Angus on the belly again, I wish I would've known. There was a sale at Gristedes.
ALETA ST. JAMES - Today, I'm going to use the power of disco lights to remind you of your heyday and help you forget, even for a second, how devoid of love and stability your current life is.
SONJA MORGAN - Sounds great.
ALETA ST. JAMES - Oh, and can you pay me in cash?
SONJA MORGAN - Well, there's the issue of keeping a roof over my head and Fig Newtons for my daughter....
ALETA ST. JAMES - **rings 18th century Tibetan bells in Sonja's ears**
SONJA MORGAN - Ok, ok, cash it is.
Aviva throws a dinner party...
AVIVA DRESCHER - Thank god my father is coming to give me a storyline.
REID DRESCHER - I thought the #BookGate thing was pretty good, actually.
AVIVA DRESCHER - Aw. Thank you, sweetie.
GEORGE TEICHNER - **enters** Hey, everybody! Who wants a penis in their hip?
AVIVA DRESCHER - Oh, you!
GEORGE TEICHNER - Meet me new fiance. She waxed my balls and has been attached to them ever since.
CODY - Fiance?!?
GEORGE TEICHNER - Oh yeah. I forgot to give you this. **flings bag with a ring in it at her**
CODY - This is even more romantic than the time you paid for an anal bleaching but didn't make me do it.
At Millou Morgan's funeral...
SONJA MORGAN - Nobody will ever fill his paws. Onward and upward. **releases ashes, which the wind blows at onlookers**
RAMONA SINGER - Ahhhh! My eyes!
CAROLE RADZIWILL - There is doggie corpse in my trachea!
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - My borrowed jumpsuit is tainted with bits of crushed canine bone!
HEATHER THOMSON - I just contracted MERS!
SONJA MORGAN - That's ridiculous. Millou hasn't been to the middle east since the Sultan of Axkaban's wedding in '08.
RAMONA SINGER - Can we please leave?
SONJA MORGAN - Is something the matter?
COUNTESS LUANN - We're covered in your dog's ashes, darling.
SONJA MORGAN - Oh. Let me just recite one more poem about Bo Obama.
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