Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap, Episode 12 - "Requiem For A Poodle"

Kristen Taekman and Jay Cardiello

Kristen films a fitness video in her apartment...

JAY CARDIELLO, FITNESS HOST - Hey, gang! We're in a sad living room with dated venetian blinds, ready to pump you UP!

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Yeah! **attempts several squats but becomes fatigued**

JOSH TAEKMAN - Looks like somebody could use a sip of eboost.


JAY CARDIELLOUm... Go ahead and give me a burpee, gang!

PRODUCER - Oh god. This won't even make it to the discount bin of a vacant Blockbuster.

Sonja's healer comes to her townhouse...

ALETA ST. JAMES - If I can birth twins at age 57, anything is possible.

SONJA MORGAN - Even you living past their first wet dream?

ALETA ST. JAMES -  I didn't mean literally anything, smart ass. 

SONJA MORGAN -  What's on tap for today? If we're gonna do the slabs of Angus on the belly again, I wish I would've known. There was a sale at Gristedes.

ALETA ST. JAMES - Today, I'm going to use the power of disco lights to remind you of your heyday and help you forget, even for a second, how devoid of love and stability your current life is.

SONJA MORGAN - Sounds great.

ALETA ST. JAMES - Oh, and can you pay me in cash?

SONJA MORGAN - Well, there's the issue of keeping a roof over my head and Fig Newtons for my daughter....

ALETA ST. JAMES -  **rings 18th century Tibetan bells in Sonja's ears**

SONJA MORGAN - Ok, ok, cash it is.

Aviva throws a dinner party...

AVIVA DRESCHER - Thank god my father is coming to give me a storyline.

REID DRESCHER - I thought the #BookGate thing was pretty good, actually.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Aw. Thank you, sweetie.

GEORGE TEICHNER - **enters** Hey, everybody! Who wants a penis in their hip?


GEORGE TEICHNER - Meet me new fiance. She waxed my balls and has been attached to them ever since.

CODY - Fiance?!?

GEORGE TEICHNER - Oh yeah. I forgot to give you this. **flings bag with a ring in it at her** 

CODY - This is even more romantic than the time you paid for an anal bleaching but didn't make me do it.

At Millou Morgan's funeral...

SONJA MORGAN - Nobody will ever fill his paws. Onward and upward. **releases ashes, which the wind blows at onlookers**  

RAMONA SINGER -  Ahhhh! My eyes!

CAROLE RADZIWILL - There is doggie corpse in my trachea!

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - My borrowed jumpsuit is tainted with bits of crushed canine bone!

HEATHER THOMSON -  I just contracted MERS!

SONJA MORGAN - That's ridiculous. Millou hasn't been to the middle east since the Sultan of Axkaban's wedding in '08.

RAMONA SINGER -  Can we please leave?

SONJA MORGAN  - Is something the matter?

COUNTESS LUANN - We're covered in your dog's ashes, darling.

SONJA MORGAN - Oh. Let me just recite one more poem about Bo Obama.

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