Thursday, May 29, 2014

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 4 - "Lucille & Kidd Cole"


 Max and Nev arrive in the Philadelphia 'hood...

MAX JOSEPH -  Oh God, I'm having Cincinnati flashbacks.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Cmon, Max, nothing can be worse than Cin - holy shit, is this the address?!?

LUCILLE -  Hi guys! **pops through missing screen door** C'mon in.


MAX JOSEPH - Please tell us why you contacted us, and what you have against screens.

LUCILLE - A con artist named Kidd Cole made me arrange high-end transportation and security details for him and then never paid for them. Also, screens are an unnecessary expense.

NEV SCHULMAN - Like Max's camera.

LUCILLE - I tried to be a legit record company label person, and it backfired.

MAX JOSEPH - Backfired? But your home is so lovely.

LUCILLE - Thank you. The missing ceiling boards was my own personal touch.

NEV SCHULMAN - Speaking of personal touches, did you have romantic electronic relationship with Kidd Cole?

LUCILLE - Are you accusing me of masturbating?

NEV SCHULMAN -  No! Never.  

MAX JOSEPH - But did you?

LUCILLE - Sometimes.

Nev and Max do research...

NEV SCHULMAN - Here on, Kidd Cole says he's worked with Kanye West, Wale, Jay Z, and JAYDEN SMITH!!!!!


NEV SCHULMAN -  I'm sorry. I just love him.

MAX JOSEPH - Let's call Allison Thiel from MTV.

NEV SCHULMAN - **dials** Hi Allison, are you aware of an artist named Kidd Cole?

ALLISON THIEL - Do Kid Cudi and J Cole have a son I'm not aware of?

NEV SCHULMAN - I don't get the reference. I'm a Jayden Smith fan.

ALLISON THIEL - Well, I've never heard of this person.

MAX JOSEPH - But he's got his own page on

ALLISON THIEL - We have no editorial control over our own website.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Tight ship you guys run over there.

Nev and Max meet up with a limo driver who has also been scammed by Kidd Cole...

LORETTA THE LIMO DRIVER - We're gonna get this motherfucker.


LORETTA THE LIMO DRIVER - I waited outside of H&M for two hours for that asshole! H&M!

MAX JOSEPH - Hey, their European-inspired fashions are affordable yet au courant.

LORETTA THE LIMO DRIVER  - Oh, and the best part is, I showed up at the place he was staying, and found out he and his mom are pretty much homeless.

NEV SCHULMAN -  That's kind of sad, actually.

LORETTA THE LIMO DRIVER - Whatever. Fuck him.

Jerez/Kidd Cole agrees to meet down by the water...

JEREZ COLEMAN - I only have a minute before my flight to Florence for the big wedding.

MAX JOSEPH - Kanye and Kim?

JEREZ COLEMAN - My cousin Deondra and her fiance Sam.

LUCILLE - How could you do this to me, and all the hardworking people you scammed?

NEV SCHULMAN - Dude, Loretta the limo driver wants to murder you. Actual murder.

JEREZ COLEMAN -  **texts**

NEV SCHULMAN - Can I see that? **grabs his phone, throws it in the water** BLAH!


NEV SCHULMAN - It's what Jayden Smith would do!

JEREZ COLEMAN - That is very irritating!

MAX JOSEPH - We'll get you a new one.

JEREZ COLEMAN - That doesn't mean I'm not still irritated.

Nev and Max meet Jerez at his "studio"...

JEREZ COLEMAN - Are you impressed with my friend's parents' suburban home and their cool basement?

MAX JOSEPH  -  It's just like Muscle Shoals.

NEV SCHULMAN - Why don't you lay down a beat for me?

HADIE, JEREZ'S FRIEND -  Um... Ok. **plays The Macarena**

MAX JOSEPH  - You've got a real hit on your hands with this one.

JEREZ COLEMAN - What can I say? It's a gift.

NEV SCHULMAN - Cut the crap. You guys don't know what you're doing.

HADIE, JEREZ'S FRIEND  - Don't drag me into this. He bribed me with a denim jacket from H&M.

NEV SCHULMAN - What do you have to say for yourself, Jerez?

JEREZ COLEMAN - When I was in the homeless shelter, the social worker told me to find a "more reliable" aspiration than famous hip hop artist.

MAX JOSEPH  - What a bitch.

JEREZ COLEMAN - I know. So this is my revenge.

NEV SCHULMAN  - Are you willing to pay back the people you've scammed, or at least apologize?

JEREZ COLEMAN - Yes. But not to Loretta. She's scary as shit.

Nev and Max catch up with Lucille via Skype...

NEV SCHULMAN - Hey Lucille!

LUCILLE - Hey, guys! I've got some good news. I'm now a criminal justice major!

MAX JOSEPH - I can see it now - Assistant Head of Security at the Chase Bank Branch on Chestnut.

NEV SCHULMAN - Reach for the stars, Lucille. Reach for the stars.



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