Monday, May 26, 2014

The Challenge: Free Agents Recap, Episode 7 - "Sausage Party"

Johnny Bananas

On the beach...

TJ LAVIN - Are you guys ready for Uruguayan barbeque?

COHUTTA GRINDSTAFF - After eating Aneesa's cooking six days in a row, I'm even ready for Uruguayan human excrement.

TJ LAVIN - Gross. There will be no eating involved. I guess you guys still haven't figured out these T-Mobile clues are never literal.

JOHNNY BANANAS -  I thought people in Australia spoke Dutch, so...

The contestants roll around with no arms...

DEVYN SIMONE - Laurel has an unfair advantage. She doesn't have any tits!

LAUREL STUCKEY - You used to be in same boat, and 12,000 dollars richer.

DEVYN SIMONE - 3000. I got them done in Kansas City.

LAUREL STUCKEY - You can tell.

ZACH NICHOLS - Get me out! Get me out of this poor man's Seran Wrap!

TJ LAVIN -  It's actually name brand, you ingrate. **cuts him out** Leroy, Preston and Jordan, you're going in the draw.

JORDAN WISELEY-  Pshaw, whatever. That's what I wanted.

At the selection ceremony...

LAUREL STUCKEY - Aneesa, I vote you.

ANEESA FERREIRA -  But I gave you compliments at the bar last night.

LAUREL STUCKEY - And the day before that you called me a "lipless Amazon with a mustache."

ANEESA FERREIRA -  Ok, you got me there.

JOHNNY REILLY - Bananas, we vote for you.

JOHNNY BANANAS -  I'm surprised you can speak with your receding hairline so firmly entrenched up Jordan's anal cavity.

JOHNNY REILLY - You lost me at "entrenched." **flips through a dictionary**

Zach gives Jordan "advice"...

ZACH NICHOLS - Since you want to send Johnny Bananas home so badly, you should just pull all the cards.

JORDAN WISELEY-  Uh, yeah! That's a great idea! But I don't know if it's fair to Leroy, who may want the same opportunity.

LEROY GARRETT - I don't fucking want that opportunity.

JORDAN WISELEY-  Oh. Well, I mean, the only thing really holding me back is Laurel. You know women, always so worried.

LAUREL STUCKEY - You should do it.

JORDAN WISELEY- **gulps** Um, ok. For sure.

At The Draw, Nany pulls a blank card...

NANY GONZALEZ - Easier than convincing a house full of sex-starved men I'm attractive.

JONNA MANNION - **pulls kill card** Fuck! I'm literally half the person Aneesa is!

ANEESA FERREIRA -  I like bacon, ok? **Jonna loses, goes home**

TJ LAVIN - BJs just got a lot harder to find around here. Men, you're up.

JORDAN WISELEY -  I'll go first, everybody. **pulls all cards**

LEROY GARRETT - So brave, bro. **to camera** What an idiot.

TJ LAVIN - That was real smart to do, for a challenge that requires two full hands.

JORDAN WISELEY - They used to tell me crocheting required two hands, and look at me now. **shows off scarf**

TJ LAVIN - That is actually a lovely scarf. I'm impressed.

JORDAN WISELEY -  Thank you.

JOHNNY BANANAS -  Can we get this show on the road? I have chin exercises I need to do back at the house.

JORDAN WISELEY - **falls down the wall** NOOOOOO!

JOHNNY BANANAS -  Booyah! Suck it! In your face! Other unsportsmanlike phrases!

JORDAN WISELEY - Challenge me to a test of who looks better with a Hitler haircut, and you might be singing a different tune.

Laurel approaches Johnny in the house...

LAUREL STUCKEY - Good job, Johnny. **he ignores her** I said, good job, Johnny.

JOHNNY BANANAS -  Leave me alone, Lady Macbeth.

LAUREL STUCKEY - Do you really think anyone in the history of this show would understand that reference?


LAUREL STUCKEY - Yeah, maybe.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Jordan clearly just teamed up with you to win. Did you really think he liked you for you?

LAUREL STUCKEY - I honestly thought that with my 'stache and his half-hand, we were evenly matched.

To be continued...

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