Thursday, May 22, 2014

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 3 - "Antoinette & Albert"

Antoinette Cuccia

 Max and Nev skype with Antoinette...

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA -  I'm in a long-distance relationship with a musician named T-Lights.

MAX JOSEPH - T-Lights? He must rap a lot about relaxation.

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - Mostly about cutting class and getting grounded. He's so dangerous.

NEV SCHULMAN - Why don't we meet you at your work? You know, the setting of MTV's new hit show Big Tips Texas?

MAX JOSEPH - Now THAT sounds like a program with longevity.  **Big Tips Texas was cancelled after the filming of this episode**

At Redneck Heaven...

NEV SCHULMAN - No Shredder vest today?

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - I'm trying a new look - It's called Anal For a Dollar Behind Hardees.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Well, it's working for ya!

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - T-Lights is never around to video chat with me. He's always "in the studio."

MAX JOSEPH - Last time we had a storyline like this, we found a little lesbian with sociopathic tendencies.   

NEV SCHULMAN - Are you prepared for that?

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - You obviously haven't seen my YouTube videos.

 Back at the Springhill Suites, Max and Nev google Antoinette and find a treasure trove of sluttisim...


NEV SCHULMAN - So she's a "selfie girl", as the kids call them.

MAX JOSEPH -  I really do not think the kids call them that.

NEV SCHULMAN - Check out this "twerking" vid."

MAX JOSEPH - I haven't seen tushie fat swing that fast since Sonja Morgan's caberlesque performance in the Hamptons.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Enough of this crude voyeurism. It's time for research.

MAX JOSEPH  - Do we have to?

NEV SCHULMAN - Nah. **they watch more videos**

Nev and Max meet Antoinette's dad...

MR. CUCCIA - I'm a cool dad, as you can see from my tattoos and collection of vintage anal beads. 

MAX JOSEPH  -  And a crocheted wall cross for contrast. Love it.

MR. CUCCIA -  But even as a cool dad, I have some concerns about my daughter's behavior on social media.

MAX JOSEPH  - Sir, do you know what "social media" is?

MR. CUCCIA - No. Not really. 

NEV SCHULMAN - Well, rest assured that your angel here is releasing videos of her Cuccia for all the world to see.

MAX JOSEPH  -   In nineties terms, It's like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, except she's not getting paid.

MR. CUCCIA - I appreciate you explaining this all to me.

NEV SCHULMAN - Think of us as Antoinette's other dads.

MAX JOSEPH  - Dads who would very much like to have sex with her.

 Max and Nev sit down with Antoinette to go over their findings...

NEV SCHULMAN - So, we think you're actually talking to T-Lights brother.

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - Ew, he's like.... THIRTY. 

NEV SCHULMAN - Not to mention married.

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - What?! I don't want to break up a marriage!

MAX JOSEPH  - You just want to produce material for married men to masturbate to.

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - Max, you get me.

NEV SCHULMAN - They'll both be at a performance in Florida tomorrow, so we can ambush them.

MAX JOSEPH  - They'll have no idea we're there, despite the crew and large camera equipment.

After a performance by The Twentys...

MAX JOSEPH  - I think I can see your actual birth canal in that dress.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Max! But seriously, you can almost see inside it.

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - I'm gonna hang back here and emote.

NEV SCHULMAN - **Nev talks to T-lights and comes back** The coast is clear. It's him, and he wants to meet you.


ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - Like, what's up. 

ALBERT AMBROSE - The emojis you use... Like, damn.

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - Your refusal to like, use apostrophes... I mean, wow.

ALBERT AMBROSE - The way you use all caps sometimes...

MAX JOSEPH  - Ok, enough, kids.This is boring our viewers over 24.

ALBERT AMBROSE - Girl, you're hot enough where you don't have to act so ratchet on social media.

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA -  It's not ratchet, it's expressing myself.

ALBERT'S BROTHER - You express yourself, alright. **looks at her visible birth canal**

Nevax skpyes with Antbby...

NEV SCHULMAN - So, how are things?

ANTOINETTE CUCCIA - After Albert paid me our agreed sum for exposing his band on television, I found a new boyfriend.

MAX JOSEPH  - Shark jumped.

NEV SCHULMAN - Max, you're not supposed to say that about your own show.



  1. Totally legit interpretation of a crappy episode. Kudos.




web statistics
Wall Street Journal