Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman Recap - Episode 1

Andi Dorfman and Chris Harrison.

Andie gets comfortable in her new crib...


ANDI DORFMAN - Who the fuck...

SISTER DORFMAN - It's me, your sister?

ANDI DORFMAN - Oh, right. What are you doing here?

SISTER DORFMAN - ABC invited me to help represent "family."

**they sit in silence**

 Montage of Julia Louie Dreyfus running around in the ocean, followed by the limo exits...

CODY - **pushing limo** Heeeeeee. Hoooooo.

ANDI DORFMAN - Paul Walker has arisen from the dead and maintained his facial injuries.

CODY -  Too soon, bro. Too soon.

BRETT - Hey, here's a lamp I stole from the hotel.

ANDI DORFMAN  - You thought it was cool to bring a stolen item to someone who serves to protect the law?

BRETT - I don't give much thought to a lot of  things. **points to his mullet**

ERIC - Andie, I brought you these Peruvian dolls so you can remember me when I'm dead.  

ANDI DORFMAN - Aw, you're not gonna die...

ERIC - My hobbies are sky diving, bungee jumping, and Four Loko.

ANDI DORFMAN -  I'll take good care of these. **puts dolls in her pocket**

NICK S - **arrives in a golf cart** I'm in a golf cart! I'm in a golf cart! Look at me I'm in a motherfuckin' golf cart! **keeps driving past Andie**

Outside the mansion...

CHRIS BUKOWSKI - I've got to get in. I've got to see Andie.

SECURITY GUARD -  You think cuz you're a white guy in a suit you can get in anywhere?

CHRIS BUKOWSKI - Duh, this is America.

PRODUCER -  I've got to default to Chris Harrison on this one, to pretend he's more than a cue-card-reading bobble head.

CHRIS HARRISON -  Polish Chris, I'm afraid you cannot go into the - can you move, dude? I can't see the card. Thanks - mansion. It will not end well.

CHRIS BUKOWSKI - Fine, but am I still eligible for... You know...

CHRIS HARRISON - Sure, we'll throw any cookies Marquel doesn't eat over the gate.

SECURITY GUARD  -  Can't guarantee I won't get to 'em first, though.

At the rose ceremony...

ANDI DORFMAN - And second black guy, I guess you can stay.

CHRIS HARRISON - Gentlemen, this is the final rose. If you are not chosen, feel free to meet me on Sunset later for an old fashioned Gunt Hunt.

ANDI DORFMAN -Bye, Attorney Rudie.

RUDIE - You are guilty. Guilty of being a BITCH.

SECURITY GUARD - Whoa, whoa, take it easy. **escorts him out**

ANDI DORFMAN - Girl from the Coppertone bottle, #bitchbye.

JASON - But I'm a doctor.

ANDI DORFMAN - So you've made very clear, every chance you got.

MIKE - What about me? Do I get to be called a famous cool little girl?

ANDI DORFMAN - I'm sorry to say you're not even worth that.

JOSH B -  I can't believe I missed two days of my telemarketing job just to be humiliated and embarrassed.

ANDI DORFMAN - You're not gonna, like, cry - oh shit, he's crying.

JOSH B - My parents will be more ashamed than the day I told them I accepted a telemarketing position.

ANDI DORFMAN - You're dripping on my rhinestones.

SECURITY GUARD -  Let's go, buddy. **escorts him out**

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