Thursday, May 15, 2014

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 2 - "Antwane & Tony"

Carmen and Antwane.

 In Cincinnati...

CARMEN PARKER - Hi, I'm Carmen. With a C.

NEV SCHULMAN - Then why is your necklace a "K"?

CARMEN PARKER - It's for "karma". You'll see what I mean.

NEV SCHULMAN - Oooookaaaaay....

MAX JOSEPH - So, why did you bring us to this urban hellhole?

CARMEN PARKER - I love my cousin so much. Here's a picture.

NEV SCHULMAN - That must be what they mean when they say "Big Beautiful Woman."

CARMEN PARKER - Except his name is Antwane, and he's a man.

MAX JOSEPH - Oh. The voluptuous breasts threw us.

CARMEN PARKER  - Antwane doesn't even know how to use Google, so he gets his kicks on the telephone.

MAX JOSEPH - It's like Al Gore never existed.  

Nev and Max meet Antwane at his scary apartment...

NEV SCHULMAN - Your hair looks great.

ANTWANE BUNTIN - It's called a Brazilian. And that's not the only place I have a Brazilian.

NEV SCHULMAN - **shudders at mental image** Uh, so, tell us about Tony.

ANTWANE BUNTIN - I met him on a chatline.

MAX JOSEPH - It's pretty meta that most viewers of this show are going to have to Google "chatline."

ANTWANE BUNTIN - He calls me on my Obamaphone every day to whisper sweet nothings. 

NEV SCHULMAN - I'm impressed with the Obamaphone, if you can clearly hear whispers.

ANTWANE BUNTIN - Four more years. Four more years.

MAX JOSEPH - Ever heard of a thing called term limits?


On Vine Street...

NEV SCHULMAN - Max, this town scares me.

MAX JOSEPH - Here's a hipster coffee shop we can duck in to.

NEV SCHULMAN - Thank god.

MAX JOSEPH - Ok, let's see... **types into Google** Anthony Thomas.

NEV SCHULMAN - Ah, here's a charming mugshot.

MAX JOSEPH - He must not be very popular in jail if he has to use a chatline.

The gang conducts field research...

NEV SCHULMAN - Let's go knock on doors in the hood and see if anybody knows Anthony Thomas.


NEV SCHULMAN - Antwane, what are you scared of? Tony's going to love you.

MAX JOSEPH - If he can look past the lack of steady employment and potato-sack window curtains.

CARMEN PARKER - I think we can stop looking for Tony.

NEV SCHULMAN - Why? We haven't even gotten shot at yet.

CARMEN PARKER - **lowers her voice** Because I am Tony.

NEV SCHULMAN - What? You dare mess with the integrity of our MTV reality show?!?!

CARMEN PARKER  - He called me a fat Kelly Price three years ago!

ANTWANE BUNTIN - That was a compliment!

NEV SCHULMAN - You can find your own ride home, Carmen.

CARMEN PARKER - **to producer** Can I ride with you?


At Carmen's apartment...

NEV SCHULMAN - Why did you trick Antwane this way, instead of just giving him a titty-twister like a normal cousin?

CARMEN PARKER - I could have been on any show. Even Teen Mom, and I'm not a teen OR a mom.

MAX JOSEPH - So we should be honored? Obese fraudsters is not new territory for us.

NEV SCHULMAN - I wore skinny jeans in Over The Rhine for you, you bitch!

PRODUCER - Hey, cool it, Nev! You're sabotaging your own show!

NEV SCHULMAN - You're right, Producer. Carmen, I'm sorry.


NEV SCHULMAN - FUCK YOU! **swings at her**

At the Hampton Inn...

NEV SCHULMAN - I'm so glad you've decided to talk to us.

ANTWANE BUNTIN - This whole situation is why I've shunned technology for so long.

MAX JOSEPH - And not because you make ten dollars an hour as a janitor, of course.

ANTWANE BUNTIN - I'm never talking to my cousin again. That fat Missy Elliott can go eff herself.

MAX JOSEPH - Ooooh, demoted from fat Kelly Price to fat Missy Elliott? Harsh.


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