Friday, April 11, 2014

The Challenge: Free Agents Recap, Episode 1 - "Out on a Ledge"

The Challenge

In Uruguay...
TJ LAVIN - This is called Free Agents. That is because you will be represented by yourself, and not by some balding law school drop-out who can't negotiate to save his life.

JESSICA MCCAIN - Agent problems?

TJ LAVIN -  Let's just say the host of the Dance Moms reunion makes three times as much as I do.

CT TAMBURELLO - Well, I'm feeling this set-up. I'm used to working on my own.

JOHNNY BANANAS - That's because everybody hates you and your sad slurred manner of speech.

JOHNNY REILLY - Hey, Johnny Number 2, at least he's managed to stave off a double chin in his thirties. Also, not errrbody from Bahston mumbles, sassa frassa hmmm.

HURRICAN NIA MOORE - Oh, so that makes YOU Johnny Number 1? I merely brushed past you with a hair dryer and you ran to suckle Averey's teet like a babe in the woods.

JORDAN  WISELEY - Psssh, I'd give my other hand to have kept you off our season, Monsoon or whatever the fuck you're called.

LAUREL STUCKEY - If you do decide to forfeit your other hand, I know somewhere you can insert both fists. **winks**

FRANK SWEENEY - Your mouth, you emasculating Amazon?

ZACH NICHOLS - Whoa, you got through a sentence without breaking into tears.

JONNA MANNON - Look who's talking, pussy who had a breakdown because he missed the birth of his nephew and didn't get to see his sister's vadge.

DUSTIN ZITO - He's seen plenty of your vadge, as have most of the other men here.

ISAAC STOUT - Dustin, the whole internet has seen your man vadge. Aka butthole

CHET CANNON - Wait... Who are you?

COHUTTA GRINDSTAFF - He's from Sydney. And you must be from a place with no sunlight.

ANEESA FERREIRA -  At least he's not a weird tree nymph who squeals like a pig.

JEMMYE CARROLL - Please don't stereotype people from the South. Most of us have more pride than to work as a stripper in our fourth decade on earth.

BRANDON NELSON - You still into black men?

LEROY GARRETT - LOL to you thinking she'd hit it with you after she's had all this.

EMILEE FITZPATRICK -   Don't you have garbage to be picking up somewhere?

DEVYN SIMONE - Guess he'd better pick you up, then, Hooters.

CARA MARIA SIMONE - I see you've left that racoon corpse wig at home this year.

THERESA GONZALEZ - I see you've left your athleticism at home this year. Wait, that's every year.

NANY GONZALEZ - Sorry, we can't all be "hoopers", whatever the fuck that is.

JASMINE REYNAUD - Two people with the last name Gonzalez? I feel like I'm back in Texas.

SWIFT - Did you really mean what you said about being the whore of the season? Please god say yes.


TJ LAVIN -  Enough! Enough! I did not get hair plugs to have to sit and listen to everybody fight. This is OVER.

JESSICA MCCAIN - Finally. Bitches all thirsty and junk.    

LATOYA JACKSON - Wait, nobody wants to hear our insults?

PRESTON ROBERSON-CHARLES - Picked last, story of every West Hollywood orgy I've showed up at.

The teams climb up stairs, Latoya goes to the hospital, Jemmye goes home.


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