Friday, March 14, 2014

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 13 - "The Fixer and The Dick"

Patti Stanger and Chad Towersey.

Patti takes her assistants to brunch...

PATTI STANGER - I appreciate you all so much that I set up a special brunch for you.

MARISA -  Oh, you're so sweet!

PATTI STANGER - Who do you have for me this week?

MARISA - I thought this was a special appreciation brunch -

PATTI STANGER - Justin, no Mimosas. You're on the clock.

JUSTIN - Then why are they even on the table?


JUSTIN - Ok, geez. This is Chad. He lives in Newport Beach and loves vaginas because they remind him of Slip n' Slides.

PATTI STANGER - Pretty astute, I gotta say.

DAVID - This is Justin. He had glaucoma and didn't even smoke weed for it.

PATTI STANGER - He must be some kind of saint.

DAVID  - He's Jewish.

PATTI STANGER -  Even better.  

Patti meets Justin...

PATTI STANGER - Why haven't your relationships worked out?

JUSTIN COOPER -  I'm always trying to fix women. **pauses** On account of the eye.

PATTI STANGER - Please elaborate.

JUSTIN COOPER - Well, fashion is very important to me. **pauses** On account of the eye.

PATTI STANGER - So who's your celebrity crush?

JUSTIN COOPER - Sloan from Entourage.**pauses** On account of the eye- 

PATTI STANGER - I get it. Everything is because of your eye. Pick a new crutch, dude

JUSTIN COOPER - I was gonna say on the account of the Eye-talian smoldering looks. I like a darker-skinned Jewess. Way to assume.

Patti meets Chad...

CHAD TOWERSEY - I need a woman who loves Ju Jitsu, motorcycling through quiet streets, and waterboarding.

PATTI STANGER - Do you mean wakeboarding?

CHAD TOWERSEY - No. I like it rough, and really admire Dick Cheney.

PATTI STANGER - I'll do what I can, but it might be slim pickin's for an aging bro-llionaire who let his skin turn into a bag of crispy pork cracklins.

CHAD TOWERSEY - But I'm willing to accept big naturals OR big fakes.

PATTI STANGER - Well, then. That really widens the pool. Dick.

 At the Mad Men Mixer...

CHAD TOWERSEY  - **talkes to a group o' chicks** I love to ride the wave of life, or just cruise on the board of leisure!

JUSTIN  - **in his ear** Chad, it's not a Corona commercial. Calm down and act naturally.

CHAD TOWERSEY  -  Ok. **notices he's surrounded by real live women** So, uh... **starts to sweat** Um...

FRANCES - Are you ok?

CHAD TOWERSEY  - I usually zone out during Mad Men or anything else not on Spike TV, and end up touching myself, so this is a weird situation to be in.

FRANCES - Here, read this Question Card.

CHAD TOWERSEY  -  K. "Have you ever touched yourself while Mad Men was on?" Who put this question in here?!? Is this a joke?

FRANCES - Relax, Chad. I do it to. 

CHAD TOWERSEY  - Really? **he falls in love** 

After Justin takes Becca vodka-tasting, they go to a Very Dark Place...

JUSTIN COOPER - We're going to eat dinner in total darkness.

BECCA - Aw. Reminds me of my childhood visits to see my Uncle Rob. He'd lock me in the basement and feed potato scraps under the door -

JUSTIN COOPER - Ok, not the ambiance I was intending to evoke. Raw onion?

BECCA - Sure.

JUSTIN COOPER - Now that you're smelling nice and pungent, let me help you with your napkin... **kisses her**

BECCA - Whoa. Wasn't expecting that.

JUSTIN COOPER - How about this? **feels her tuchus**

BECCA - That feels nice, Uncle Rob.

JUSTIN COOPER - Check, please.

Chad takes Frances on a Ju Jitsu Master Date...

CHAD TOWERSEY - I liked the way you were slamming and poking and nibbling and stroking in the Ju Jitsu arena.

FRANCES - I have an older brother, so...

CHAD TOWERSEY - Makes sense. **they kiss**

The End.

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