Sunday, March 2, 2014

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 11 - "The Trust Fund Brat & The Cliffdiver"

Patti Stanger.

Patti views the video submissions...

ASSISTANT JUSTIN - Patti, I know how you feel about American flag t-shirts with the sleeves cut off, but I think you should make an exception because I'm still paid hourly and not eligible for a 401K.

PATTI STANGER - Fine. Roll tape.

IAN BERNARDO - **on video** I'm Joan Rivers trapped in a 33-year-old gay man's body.

PATTI STANGER - Eh, Joan would have had a professional take care of those moobs.

IAN BERNARDO - Moobs aside, I am set to inherit 80 million dollars, becawse my  grandfather invented Arby's.

PATTI STANGER - I don't believe a word this guy says.

IAN BERNARDO - Also, I have never felt the love of another human being.

PATTI STANGER - Ok, that I believe.

 Patti watches Jeff's video...

JEFF OGDEN - I sat on the bench for three different NFL teams, and only two women falsely claimed I impregnated them.

PATTI STANGER - Not a bad track record.

JEFF OGDEN - Thus, I have been in two month-long marriages. Eventually, I'm going to see your feminine products in the trash.


JEFF OGDEN - Patti, please find me a woman who will move to Texas and throw balls at me.

PATTI STANGER - Maybe I should give him Ian's number.

Patti meets Ian at her office...

IAN BERNARDO - Can I have a hug?

PATTI STANGER - No. The only person in sweats I've ever hugged is my bubby before she speed walks around the mall.

IAN BERNARDO - You still have a bubby?

PATTI STANGER - Fuck you, I'm 35.

IAN BERNARDO - Patti, I'm so alone. I've been looking for someone I can manipulate and control, but it turns out only hot people are in the position to have that.

PATTI STANGER - Not true. David manipulates and controls me. **David squeezes on his remote-control shock device, thus sending Patti into convulsions**

IAN BERNARDO - Aw. I want that.

Patti  meets Jeff at a restaurant...

PATTI STANGER - You're like a cliffdiver. But instead of cliffs, it's with relationships. And instead of diving, you move into relationships quickly.

JEFF OGDEN - Wow. You're blowing the part of my mind that hasn't been permanently damaged by professional football right now.

PATTI STANGER - Yep. What you need to be is a surfer.

JEFF OGDEN - Will that mean I get to fuck Gabrielle Reece?

PATTI STANGER - Is she still alive?

JEFF OGDEN - I dunno, but I'd have sex with her dead, too.

PATTI STANGER - I wish I could say that that sentiment makes me uncomfortable, but I find you very attractive. **rubs his package**

JEFF OGDEN - Please stop.


Patti and Carson Kressley vet potential dates for Ian...

CARSON KRESSLEY - We've got to find the perfect guy for Ian. I know he'll be able to find love if he just learns to love himself.

PATTI STANGER - You've got such a kind heart, Carson.

CARSON KRESSLEY - I know. **looks at the guys in the line-up** You, the Amish one. Please take your pants off and give me a BJ.


CARSON KRESSLEY - What? It's called due diligence.

Jeff takes Melanie on a master date to the beach....

MELANIE - I'm such a tomboy. I love surfing, playing football on the beach, and paying to have my lips injected with purified bovine collagen.

JEFF OGDEN - Is that, like, a treatment for scars from your care-free days of climbing trees?

MELANIE - Sure. **takes off wet suit**

JEFF OGDEN - Humina humina humina.

MELANIE - Did you say something?

JEFF OGDEN - If you wanted to fake a pregnancy, I wouldn't divorce you even after I found a used tampon clogging our garbage disposal.

MELANIE - The biggest compliment you could ever give me is that you'd think I'm young enough to sustain a pregnancy. **they start a relationship**

Ian takes master date Phillip to a circus gym...


PHILLIP - Stop being such a negative silly-billy!

IAN BERNARDO - Fuck you, I'm the one who's hanging from my knees above a concrete floor!

PHILLIP - Shucks, turn that frown upside down!

IAN BERNARDO - It IS upside down, becawse I'm upside down, dumbass!

PHILLIP - Ian, you just need to love yourself. That's the only way you can learn to love someone else.

IAN BERNARDO - If someone tells me to love myself one more time, I'm going to whip out my penis and jerk it right there on the spot.

Ian briefs Patti on his date...

PATTI STANGER - Is it true you threatened to pleasure yourself in front of your date?

IAN BERNARDO - Patti, I'm tired of being told I need to love myself. I just like to make jokes. That's all.

PATTI STANGER - Well, you're lucky. He wants to see you again.

IAN BERNARDO - But he sounds like Mickey Mouse.


IAN BERNARDO - Okay, okay, I'll go out with him again.


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