Doug shows up with flowers for Jenny...
DOUG - Jenny! I'm so thrilled to see you again.
JENNY - Oh, hey... you!
DOUG - I brought you some garlic and bananas.
JENNY - Thanks?
DOUG - You said they were your favorite foods, remember?
JENNY - Oh! Of course.
DOUG - And look! Hot cocoa I made with my feet!
JENNY - ???
DOUG - You said you love doing that, remember?
JENNY - Uh, totes!
DOUG - I'll treasure our conversation forever. I'll never forget anything from that night.
JENNY - Right. How could you ever forget things from that night, like **cough** somebody's name?
DOUG - I thought to myself, Doug, you need to get your booty over there and take her out to dinner!
JENNY - Doug! Doug, right, it's Doug.
DOUG - So whadya say?
JENNY - I mean, I've already had sex with two people in this city within the past four weeks.
LAUREN - **enters** You know what would really suck? If the first guy made you pregnant and the second guy thought it was his.
DOUG - Ok, I'll see myself out now.
JENNY - Thanks for the garlic!
Cory realizes the baby in Lauren's uterus is not his...
CORY - You've got some nerve, sleeping with somebody else when we're not in a relationship, or even in the same time zone.
LAUREN - I didn't realize you could get pregnant using condoms.
CORY - You used a condom?
LAUREN - Well, no. But I also didn't realize you could get pregnant using Plan B.
CORY -You used the morning after pill?
LAUREN - Well, not until five mornings after.
CORY - Wow, you are NOT good at not getting pregnant.
LAUREN - But I'm good at other things. Look at Hailey's hair.
CORY - Aren't those extensions from Walgreens?
LAUREN - Well, yes. But I bought them. Two for one when combined with a triple pack of Clear Blue Easy.
Arielle has some friends over...
ARIELLE - Hey, LGBT friends, emphasis on the T! Welcome to my house. And also, people on the internet confused me with you and I want to vomit.
BRIAN - Arielle, people are who they are when they emerge from the womb. It's as natural as the wind.
VERY CONVINCING F TO M TRANSGENDER PERSON - Wow, this guy's good.
BRIAN - I saw it on an episode of Katie.
At the club...
LAUREN - I may be pregnant, but I can still wear a deep V and sulkily watch Cory from the corner.
HAILEY - You go, girl.
CORY - **to a rando girl** So then I'm like, yeah, I fucked Jenny, but I'm a dude! It's different cuz when we impregnate people, we move to Sarasota!
RANDO GIRL - So true! You are very interesting.
CORY - Thank you. May I rub my penis against your jeans?
LAUREN - What's going on here?!?!
CORY - What's the problem?
LAUREN - You and I are in a relationship and I'm pregnant is what's the problem here!
CORY - It's not even mine!
LAUREN - Well, when you put it THAT way...
Lauren packs her bags...
LAUREN - Well, everybody, I'm off to Michigan. Off to be with my friends and family who really care about me.
JENNA - Aw. It's good to be around family to get love and support for you and your baby.
LAUREN - Hahaha, "baby". Girl, I'm going to abort this fucker so hard my body will revert to prepubescence. But I'll need a ride home from the clinic.
JENNA - Ok, that too.
Before Boys Night Out...
JENNY - I promise, as a heterosexual, not to get with anybody at the lesbian club tonight.
BRIAN - And I promise, as a heterosexual, not to get with anybody at the gay club tonight.
JENNY - But you're not going to a gay clu -
JAY - Time to get some digits, brohams!
BRIAN - Gotta go bye! **makes out with a Filipina chemical engineer**
JENNY - But brownies! BROWNIES!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment