Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 18 - "The Kids Are Alright"

Kim Richards.

 Kim and her ex drop Kimberly off at college...

JOHN, KIM'S EX - Well, Kimberly, it's been a pleasure being the one to raise you.

KIM RICHARDS - Ahem. Ahem.

JOHN, KIM'S EX - Like I said, it's been a pleasure to be the one to raise you.

KIM RICHARDS - Honey, look! I washed sheets!

KIMBERLY - Aw, mom. It's sweet that you've decided to repay me for all the times I struggled to get SoCo and shart stains out of your bedding.

KIM RICHARDS - I do what I can. You know, every day you've been in my life has been a joy.

KIMBERLY - Even more of a joy than Oxy?

KIM RICHARDS - Let's not get crazy now.

 Yolanda helps Gigi set up her apartment in New York...

YOLANDA FOSTER - I am so glad you are in an apartment and not in a stinky, smelly, memories-you'll-have-forever-producing dorm room.

GIGI HADID - Yeah. Who needs the whole "college experience" when you can sit in a room by yourself and not eat.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Exactly. So you will send your first modeling check to the PO box I hide from David, yes? If I hear the theme from St. Elmo's Fire one more time, I'll eat a whole bite of cake.

GIGI HADID - Yes, mom. But when do I start to get to keep some of the money I make?

YOLANDA FOSTER - When I get out of that hellhole. Malibu next to the highway is no Malibu.

GIGI HADID - Ok. I love you, mom.

YOLANDA FOSTER  - Besides, your manicures are tax deductible. You can stash all of those savings away and maybe buy a Soda Stream in a few years.

 At breakfast in Puerto Rico...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Word on the bellhop I blew earlier is that Lisa and Ken took off at 5 am this morning.

YOLANDA FOSTER  - Women who can't have a simple conversation with seven people shouting at them in public are disgusting.

KIM RICHARDS - Agreed. So gross. **sharts herself** Sorry. I've had low sphincter control since I dated that Ken dude.

KYLE RICHARDS - Ugh! I need therapy!

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN  - I've got the perfect remedy. RETAIL THERAPY!!!!!  **they all squeal**

They shop at shitty tshirt shops in Old San Juan...

KIM RICHARDS - Hey, Brandi. Ever splashed around in a fountain?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - After every date with JR.

KIM RICHARDS  - I don't see any policianos around. Arriba arriba arriba! **talks more fake Spanish gibberish**

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - Nope, not offensive at all.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Let's whip out our spindly chicken legs and get wet!

PUERTO RICAN GENTLEMAN - Excuse me, ladies. Please get out.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Are you here to take us to a Puerto Rican prison?

PUERTO RICAN GENTLEMAN - No. I'm the manager of that sidewalk cafe. People cannot eat their arroz con pollo while your spindly chicken legs are on display.

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  How'd you like these spindly chicken legs wrapped around your neck later? **winks**

PUERTO RICAN GENTLEMAN - Please senorita. No.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Damn. I've lost my touch.

Carlton and Lisa meet up at a shop...

CARLTON GEBBIA - Fuckshit, watching your nanny help your kids with homework is stressful as fuck.


CARLTON GEBBIA  -You seem upset. Maybe a romp in the sex dungeon will cure what ails you?

LISA VANDERPUMP -  Not today, thanks. Puerto Rico was a rough trip. 

CARLTON GEBBIA  - I knew it! I had a dream Kyle Richards threw a plate of beef hearts at Michael Ohoven's head!

LISA VANDERPUMP - That did not happen.

CARLTON GEBBIA  - Yes it did. I dreamt it.  

LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, let's just say the ladies claimed I put a magazine about Mauricio in Brandi's suitcase.

CARLTON GEBBIA  - Is it true?


CARLTON GEBBIA  - But who the fuck even cares? It's a magazine in a suitcase. Dumb cunts.

LISA VANDERPUMP -  **starts to cry**

CARLTON GEBBIA  - Ok, now you've made this Englishwoman VERY uncomfortable. 


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