Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Real Housewives of New York City Recap, Episode 3 - "Model Behavior"

Kristen Taekman and Heather Thomson.

At the Spartan race...

TRAINER - Ok, Heather, walk tall with your head high in the air. That will really help during the barbed wire segment.

HEATHER THOMSON -  **to her husband** Do you ever get the feeling our trainer is trying to kill us?

JONATHAN SCHINDLER - Yes, but that only makes him a True Spartan. **they make out hard**

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Josh, if one of us falls behind, the other can just go ahead, ok?

JOSH TAEKMAN - If "one of us" falls behind? Only one of us would. **flexes, pushes hair forward**

ANNOUNCER - Ready, set, go white people who want to brag to their coworkers! And one black guy. I see you.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - **immediately sucks** Wait! Waaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttt!!!!

JOSH TAEKMAN - Work the Eboost tent next time, slut.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - My faaaaaace! My beautiful faaaaaaace! **pushes one of those guys holding a padded stick**

Heather visits Ramona's apartment...

RAMONA SINGER - I'm so excited to go back to Africa and unwittingly say offensive things to everyone I meet. Did you know they all have AIDS? I read it in Lucky.

HEATHER THOMSON - Um, no, I didn't. Listen, Ramona, I think what happened to Carole at Aviva's was uncool. Her writing is her life.

RAMONA SINGER - What are you, like, a martyr for Carole?

HEATHER THOMSON -  Let me put this in a way you'll understand. She doesn't have a husband or children.

RAMONA SINGER - You're right. Poor, poor Carole.

Aviva has her photo taken for her book cover and Kristen stops by...

PHOTOGRAPHER - Work that black button down like you're my mom in 1975! Uh huh, just like that!

AVIVA DRESCHER - Just one minute, Kristen. The work of a long email writer is never done.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN -  I understand. I hope they don't edit out your emojis.

AVIVA DRESCHER - So what gives you the pleasure of getting to see me in a black button down?

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I wanted to talk to you about Carole.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Ugh, do we have to talk about her? She's so OLD. Fifty, and OLD OLD OLD.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN -Those are some insults you got there.

AVIVA DRESCHER - It's my specialty. White Trash Quite Frankly was a good one, too. 

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I just think that the way you came down on her at your house almost seemed like.... jealously.

AVIVA DRESCHER - Jealousy? She doesn't even have a husband and kids!

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - True. You got me there.

Carole hosts a baby shower for her turkey-basted friend...

CAROLE RADZIWILL - Listen, Ramona, I wanted to talk to you about what went down at Aviva's. I hope you didn't have a part in it.

RAMONA SINGER - Of course not. I support you, as a woman without a husband and kids.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - It just really hurt. Writing is really important to me.

RAMONA SINGER - Cuz you're all alone? Without a husband and kids?

CAROLE RADZIWILL  - Because I'm good at it. Like you are with slamming French whites before noon.

RAMONA SINGER - Well, maybe someday you'll have a husband.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - I already had a husband.

RAMONA SINGER - Well, one who stays alive. And maybe you can have some children.

CAROLE RADZIWILL - My second book is coming out in a month. It's a huge achievement.

RAMONA SINGER - Or at least adopt some children. People do that nowadays, too.

At the Morgan Basement Next To A Parking Garage...

SONJA MORGAN - We got a big week coming up, interns. I'm planning on clipping my toenails AND having the sides of my vulva trimmed.

PRETTY NEW INTERN - We're here to support you in any way you need.

SONJA MORGAN -  All I want you to do is watch and learn. Your colleges have been complaining that there isn't enough "practical experience" so we've  really got to turn things up.

PRETTY NEW INTERN - I'll start charging the Panasonic Close Curves a week in advance.

SONJA MORGAN - Good girl. Hey, Gay Husband Intern, remember that guy who waterblasted the couch after me and Harry Dubin got what's left of our fluids all over it? What a dum dum.

GAY HUSBAND INTERN - You get what you pay for.

SONJA MORGAN - Excuse me?

GAY HUSBAND INTERN - Nothing, Madame Morgan. Tunafish?

SONJA MORGAN -  Yes please.

Avery and her friends prepare for prom...

AVERY SINGER - Mom, I'm ready to go to prom.

RAMONA SINGER - You all look so beautiful! Avery, a little less so, but the rest of you are taking my breath away.


RAMONA SINGER - What? I'm just being honest. **gulps wine**

AVERY SINGER - I can't wait to get the hell away from here.

RAMONA SINGER -  If you keep talking like that, your dad and I will split up the second you leave.


RAMONA SINGER - Ok. I will. Kadooz.


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