Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Real World: Ex-Plosion Recap, Episode 5 - "Ex-Plosion"

Thomas and Hailey.

After the exes are revealed, Thomas comforts Hailey in her bedroom...

HAILEY - I didn't ask to come here, you know.

THOMAS - What did MTV offer to make you accept?

HAILEY - A weekly stipend of five Fritos® Chicken Enchilada Melts from Subway and clean sheets.

THOMAS - I can see how you couldn't refuse.

HAILEY - So now I won't graduate until 2019. But it's worth it to pine over you on television while you cavort with a half-Asian Suicide Girl.

THOMAS - Want some cheese?


At Alamo Square Park...
BRIAN - If you can hook up, so can I. All the ladies of San Francisco are gonna be lining up for THIS!

JENNY - Oh yeah? I'm gonna pop this booty all over town. The men aren't gonna be able to get enough!

BRIAN - **shouts** You hear me, women of Frisco? I'm ripe for the picking!


TYPICAL SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENT I - What are those weird Jersey Shore people shouting about?

TYPICAL SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENT II - I don't know, but one of them is wearing Rock & Republic embroidered jeans.

TYPICAL SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENT I - Ew. Nobody in this city would ever fuck them. More mung bean kale crisps?


Hailey and Thomas talk at the park...

HAILEY - Not getting male attention for a full three days has really sucked.

THOMAS - I'll give you male attention.

JAMIE - **watching from a blanket, yelling** I will cut your fucking dick off and feed it to the bum who sleeps outside our front gate, so help me god.

THOMAS - From a distance. Attention from a distance.



HAILEY - **rubs his leg** Remember when I took your virginity?


HAILEY - And it was so tender, and juicy, and succulent?

THOMAS - **gulps** Yes.

HAILEY - Man, imagine how that would feel now that I have bangs.

THOMAS - Will you excuse me? I've got to go tell Jamie it's over. **goes to Jamie** Jamie, I've been thinking...

JAMIE - Not happening. You're stuck.

THOMAS - But juicy and succulent!

JAMIE - Nope. **motions cutting his dick off and feeding it to the bum who sleeps outside the gate**

Cory and Lauren shower together...

CORY - You got some teeny titties, girl.

LAUREN - Oh, it's just because I lost so much weight.

CORY - Nah, I think they just look small next to Jenny's voluptuous humungo melon jibblies.

LAUREN - Gee, thanks. I didn't ask to come here, you know.

CORY - Then why did you?

LAUREN - Fritos® Chicken Enchilada Melts from Subway. **takes bite in shower**

Jenny and Brian discuss their relationship...

JENNY - So where do we stand?

BRIAN - The intricasies of our commune are complicated and many, yet I yearn for the connection of our deep spiritual history to comfort my soul in times of peril.

JENNY -  Huh?

BRIAN - I miss your tits.

JENNY - Aw. **they hug**

 Cory and Brian stand off in the kitchen...

CORY - Don't be acting weird around me, bro. I might wear denim mixed with plaid, but I'd still beat the shit out of you any day.

BRIAN - Oh yeah? Well, I might have a decaying cat corpse on my head, but I'd still beat the shit out of YOU.

JENNY - **dances into the kitchen** Got a nice Fritos® Chicken Enchilada Melt from Subway in the fridge calling my name, whoop whoop! **stops when she sees Cory and Brian puffing their chests at each other** Oh shit.

To be continued...

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