Friday, February 7, 2014

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 10 - "Mr. President Meets The Beverly Hillbilly"

Ep 10: Mr. President Meets The 'Beverly Hillbilly'
Patti Stanger and Matt Brooks.

Patti meets millionaire Matt Brooks...

PATTI STANGER - So I hear you think you look like the president. I'm sorry to tell you that you're no Jimmy Carter.

MATT BROOKS - He was the president in the seventies.

PATTI STANGER - Shhhh, let me live in this fantasy world where I'm still young and relevant.

MATT BROOKS -  Patti, I'm black. I look like the only black president we've ever had.

PATTI STANGER - A schvartze in the oval office? A shonda!

MATT BROOKS - And lemme tell you, it really works on the ladies. I'll call them up and be all  "I'm Barack Obama. Gimme all your pussy."

PATTI STANGER - David pulled the same trick on me, except it was as Ron Perlman in the CBS series of Beauty and the Beast.

 Patti meets barely-millionaire Adam Winters...

ADAM WINTERS - I love poppin' wheelies on Rodeo Drive without a helmet.

PATTI STANGER - Good, let's reserve the helmets for the brains that are actually worth protecting.

ADAM WINTERS - Hey, people from Tennessee are just as smart as the people in Los Angeles.

PATTI STANGER - That's not saying much, buddy. 

ADAM WINTERS - Well, any girl who wants to be with me is gonna have to move to the Land 'o Witherspoon.  

PATTI STANGER -  If you think any Beverly Hills woman would move to your stupid plot of land in Tennessee, then my eyes are naturally this high on my face.

ADAM WINTERS - I thought these skanks would do anything for money.

PATTI STANGER - Yeah, but if they can only show it off to squirrels, it takes the fun out of it.

ADAM WINTERS - Do you think you can find me an exotic woman?

PATTI STANGER - Exotic, as in part of the minority group that will soon be the majority group, thus rendering you exotic?

ADAM WINTERS - Patti, I'm shocked at your PC turn of phrase.

PATTI STANGER - What can I say? Jimmy Carter has really done a number on me.

At the mixer...

PATTI STANGER - Ok, guys, this is called a Red Ball because all the chicks here are on their periods.

ADAM WINTERS -  I thought it was for Valentine's Day.

PATTI STANGER - Nope. If a women asks you for your cocktail napkin, you best give it to her. It's probably an emergency.

MATT BROOKS - **approaches group of women** So ladies, what does happiness mean to you?

TIFFANY - A warm chocolate Chip cookie. And the day my period ends.

MATT BROOKS - Patti, is this theme really the best you could do?

PATTI STANGER - No, but Blue Ball didn't seem like something you'd appreciate.


Adam narrows it down...

ADAM WINTERS - It's between pretty Texan or droopy Texan.

PATTI STANGER - Tough choice. Not. Pretty Texan, come dance with Adam.

ADAM WINTERS -  **dances with Kate** I like mud.

KATE - I like mud, too!

ADAM WINTERS -  I also like Bass Pro Shops, bass, other fish, camo, and fish.

KATE - I like all those things, too!

ADAM WINTERS - How about you tell me some things you like without me going first?

KATE - Um... fish?

ADAM WINTERS -  I love you.

Matt takes Emily on his master date...

MATT BROOKS - Well, I've prepared a collection of Very Romantic Things for you. There's chocolate, a dude singing, sushi, and assorted photographs of Maroon 5 from early in their career.

EMILY - It's so perfect. I feel you're Barack and I'm Bo.

MATT BROOKS - Michelle might make more sense, but you're 21. I'll let it slide.

EMILY -  Suck on my face like it's a doobie in 1979 Hawaii.

MATT BROOKS - Um, ok. **they go to Costa Rica together** 

The end.

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