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| Patti Stanger and Matt Brooks. |
Patti meets millionaire Matt Brooks...
PATTI STANGER - So I hear you think you look like the president. I'm sorry to tell you that you're no Jimmy Carter.
MATT BROOKS - He was the president in the seventies.
PATTI STANGER - Shhhh, let me live in this fantasy world where I'm still young and relevant.
MATT BROOKS - Patti, I'm black. I look like the only black president we've ever had.
PATTI STANGER - A schvartze in the oval office? A shonda!
MATT BROOKS - And lemme tell you, it really works on the ladies. I'll call them up and be all "I'm Barack Obama. Gimme all your pussy."
PATTI STANGER - David pulled the same trick on me, except it was as Ron Perlman in the CBS series of Beauty and the Beast.
Patti meets barely-millionaire Adam Winters...
ADAM WINTERS - I love poppin' wheelies on Rodeo Drive without a helmet.
PATTI STANGER - Good, let's reserve the helmets for the brains that are actually worth protecting.
ADAM WINTERS - Hey, people from Tennessee are just as smart as the people in Los Angeles.
PATTI STANGER - That's not saying much, buddy.
ADAM WINTERS - Well, any girl who wants to be with me is gonna have to move to the Land 'o Witherspoon.
PATTI STANGER - If you think any Beverly Hills woman would move to your stupid plot of land in Tennessee, then my eyes are naturally this high on my face.
ADAM WINTERS - I thought these skanks would do anything for money.
PATTI STANGER - Yeah, but if they can only show it off to squirrels, it takes the fun out of it.
ADAM WINTERS - Do you think you can find me an exotic woman?
PATTI STANGER - Exotic, as in part of the minority group that will soon be the majority group, thus rendering you exotic?
ADAM WINTERS - Patti, I'm shocked at your PC turn of phrase.
PATTI STANGER - What can I say? Jimmy Carter has really done a number on me.
At the mixer...
PATTI STANGER - Ok, guys, this is called a Red Ball because all the chicks here are on their periods.
ADAM WINTERS - I thought it was for Valentine's Day.
PATTI STANGER - Nope. If a women asks you for your cocktail napkin, you best give it to her. It's probably an emergency.
MATT BROOKS - **approaches group of women** So ladies, what does happiness mean to you?
TIFFANY - A warm chocolate Chip cookie. And the day my period ends.
MATT BROOKS - Patti, is this theme really the best you could do?
PATTI STANGER - No, but Blue Ball didn't seem like something you'd appreciate.
MATT BROOKS - True.
Adam narrows it down...
ADAM WINTERS - It's between pretty Texan or droopy Texan.
PATTI STANGER - Tough choice. Not. Pretty Texan, come dance with Adam.
ADAM WINTERS - **dances with Kate** I like mud.
KATE - I like mud, too!
ADAM WINTERS - I also like Bass Pro Shops, bass, other fish, camo, and fish.
KATE - I like all those things, too!
ADAM WINTERS - How about you tell me some things you like without me going first?
KATE - Um... fish?
ADAM WINTERS - I love you.
Matt takes Emily on his master date...
MATT BROOKS - Well, I've prepared a collection of Very Romantic Things for you. There's chocolate, a dude singing, sushi, and assorted photographs of Maroon 5 from early in their career.
EMILY - It's so perfect. I feel you're Barack and I'm Bo.
MATT BROOKS - Michelle might make more sense, but you're 21. I'll let it slide.
EMILY - Suck on my face like it's a doobie in 1979 Hawaii.
MATT BROOKS - Um, ok. **they go to Costa Rica together**
The end.
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