Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 15 - "Trail of Doubts"

US Citizen Yolanda Foster

Yolanda takes her citizenship test...

DAVID FOSTER - Knock 'em dead, Yo. And remember - if they trip you up, tell them you have Lyme Disease and then pop out a boob.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Thank you, my love. Here goes nothing. **enters citizenship office** Hello. I am Yolanda Foster, formerly of the Netherlands, currently of Malibu, and futurely of a house that's not right on the interstate, fingers crossed.

CITIZENSHIP DUDE - Hello, Mrs. Foster. Before we allow you to become a citizen, we have to ask you some very important questions.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Yes. I am ready.

CITIZENSHIP DUDE - Name one branch of government.

YOLANDA FOSTER -  Executive.

CITIZENSHIP DUDE - Correct. How many Supreme Court Justices are there?

YOLANDA FOSTER -  Six. I don't recognize the three that should be cooking chicken for their husbands.

CITIZENSHIP DUDE - I'll take it. And finally, whatever happened to Marisa Zanuck? I found her to be a delightful addition to the cast.

YOLANDA FOSTER - She didn't test well with the gays.

CITIZENSHIP DUDE -  Thank you. You are now officially a citizen of the United States. Can you sign this poster of Andy Cohen?

YOLANDA FOSTER - Of course. 

Kyle and Brandi go for a hike...

KYLE RICHARDS - I can't wait to go to Puerto Rico and eat nachos.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I love Puerto Rico! Do you think Joyce would mind if I came along and destroyed everybody's trip by arguing with her?

KYLE RICHARDS - Nah, I'm sure it's cool. Besides, who can stay mad when there are so many tacos?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Good point. I also wanted to discuss Lisa with you. Whenever I say something offensive to her, she gets upset!

KYLE RICHARDS - Don't I know it. After I accused her of being a conniving shrew on national television, our relationship was never the same. 

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Always being civil and mature to our faces, while being cautious on the inside. Fucking bitch.  

KYLE RICHARDS - My very famous tagline about Bobby Fischer still stands.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - **googles Bobby Fishcer** Oh! Chess. **chokes on tongue**

Carlton and David greet Lisa at their work party...

LISA VANDERPUMP - Thank you for having us. I barely recognized a Gebbia party without visible ribbons of semen floating in water.

DAVID GEBBIA -  I guess you haven't been over to the punch bowl yet.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Carlton, I'm sorry about what happened at Ken's birthday party.

CARLTON GEBBIA -  For someone to call me anti-Semitic is just bloody evil. I lived in South Africa during Apartheid!

LISA VANDERPUMP -  And that's proof of not being anti-Semitic how?

CARLTON GEBBIA -  I benefited socioeconomically from living in a country with institutionalized racism, but I wasn't always happy about it, ok?


CARLTON GEBBIA -  Plus, all of my husband's clients are Jewish, because Jews love money!

LISA VANDERPUMP - Marvelous. Time for us to be going, dear.

On the way out, Lisa and Ken run into Kim...

KIM RICHARDS - Oh, Ken and Lisa, you're leaving?

LISA VANDERPUMP - Yes, we've got to -

KIM RICHARDS - Lemme guess. **puts on fake accent** "G'day mate, we're going to Wisconsin to put shrimp on the barbie!"

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - It was Missouri.

LISA VANDERPUMP -  And we're English, not Australian.

KIM RICHARDS - Whatever. Next time you two accuse me of being flaky, remember that I've been clean and sober for a full forty seconds. **waves at person in limo**

Brandi sits down with Kim...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I'm so glad you're here. I needed someone else to talk to my non-issue about, even if that someone is the equivalent of a crash test dummy on 'ludes.

KIM RICHARDS - I'd be offended by that if it wasn't so right on the money. **closes her eyes** 

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Lisa invited Scheana to her dinner party and made me talk to her. It's like she's actively trying to make this show interesting!

KIM RICHARDS - Pshaw. Nobody cares about you, Lisa! I was on television before you were in adult diapers!

BRANDI GLANVILLE -   Exactly. America would be very interested in the comings and goings of my geriatric dogs alone. We don't need HER to create issues.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Yeah. We got plenty of issues. **nods off**


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