Friday, January 24, 2014

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 8 - "Kid in a Candy Store and Groundhog Day"

 Patti dispenses sage advice to a room full of desperates...

SINGLE LADY - How do I stop dating bad boys?

PATTI STANGER - Stop dating bad boys. That'll be 39.99.

 Patti meets with former hockey player Brian Minter...

BRIAN MINTER - I live in Las Vegas, and dabble in personal loans and politics.

PATTI STANGER - Not shady at all.

BRIAN MINTER - I also have OJ Simpson memorabilia that he would want to steal if he wasn't in jail.

PATTI STANGER - Wow, lines like that really make the ladies swoon. Why don't you mention your autographed Jeffrey Dahmer knife set?

BRIAN MINTER - I keep that in the vault.

PATTI STANGER - So what's the problem?

BRIAN MINTER - All I meet are hardworking, beautiful waitresses.

PATTI STANGER - Waaaa waaa waaa, I fuck hot chicks with jobs.

BRIAN MINTER - I just really think I deserve a Kate Upton who reads books.

PATTI STANGER - Do you even read books?

BRIAN MINTER - No. I just like the combination of floppy boobs and glasses.

PATTI STANGER -  Don't we all.

 Patti meets with former Top Chef contestant Stefan Richter...

STEFAN RICHTER - Hi Patti. It's great to see you again.

PATTI STANGER - Oh, Christ. It's you.

STEFAN RICHTER - I'm hoping you can help me meet my match.

PATTI STANGER - Good luck, douchebag. Always trying to date women in Santa Monica.

STEFAN RICHTER - But that's where I live...

PATTI STANGER - I bet you want someone European, too.

STEFAN RICHTER - That would be nice. We'd have more in common, most likely.

PATTI STANGER - Disgusting. You like 'em blond, right?

STEFAN RICHTER -I'm open to all hair colors, as long as she's a nice person.

PATTI STANGER - Pig. **spits**

At the mixer...

PATTI STANGER - Where's reverse ombre?

AUBREY -  It's actually just called ombre...

PATTI STANGER - Don't care, I only care that it's gone. Where's old-ass Laura Prepon?

EMMA -  Here. My hair's brown now.

PATTI STANGER - Thank god. Stefan's gonna wear this earpiece, so I can feed him lines and you can really get to know his personality.

RUSSIAN LADY - **to Stefan** I believe molecular gastronomy has taken the heart out of celebrated ethnic dishes.

PATTI STANGER - **through earpiece** Compliment her.

STEFAN RICHTER - I am inclined to agree.

PATTI STANGER - Fucking compliment her!

STEFAN RICHTER - It doesn't fit with the normal flow of this conversation!

PATTI STANGER - **rips out earpiece** Do as I say, or end up a talented restauranteur with many women at your beck and call!

STEFAN RICHTER - Um, pretty smile?

PATTI STANGER - Good. Your days of fat contended coupledom are around the bend.

After the mixer...

PATTI STANGER -  Brian, who seems the least likely to do blow out of your butthole in the Marquee bathroom?

BRIAN MINTER - I'll take reverse ombre.

PATTI STANGER - It's actually just ombre. So out of touch. Stefan?

STEFAN RICHTER - I can't decide. I like three of them equally.

 PATTI STANGER - Of course you do, fugly man slut. Take Emma. She looks like a young Laura Prepon.

Brian takes Aubrey rock climbing...

AUBREY - Ouch! My hand!

BRIAN MINTER - I'll take a look. **rubs it against his wiener** Better?


BRIAN MINTER - Phew. Last time I tried that I got a kick to the balls. You'll do.

On Stefan's date with Emma...

STEFAN RICHTER - Welcome to the beach. I've prepared a fire and some salmon.

EMMA - Wow. Cool.

STEFAN RICHTER - To the Finnish, this is fantasy.

EMMA -  To Los Angelenos, this is cheap.

STEFAN RICHTER - Hey, that salmon is from Costco. Very high quality.

EMMA - I think I got fire in my hair.

STEFAN RICHTER - That doesn't even make sense.

The end. 

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