Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Real World EX-PLOSION Recap, Episode 3 - "The Departure"

Arielle's girlfriend Ashley arrives...

ARIELLE - I missed you so much.

LESBIAN ASHLEY - It'll be awesome when I move in here in eight days.


LESBIAN ASHLEY - Shit. Nothing. Wanna scissor?

ARIELLE - Is grass green?

LESBIAN ASHLEY - Not this grass...**pulls down pants**

At the club...

JENNY - It's my birthday, booty poppin' in the spotlight, oh yeah oh yeah. **shakes nipple tassels**

THOMAS - That's mad disrespectful of her, yo.

CORY -  Yep. After all I've done for her, including pushing her out of the confessional, having sex with her in a bear suit, and yelling at her for dancing with girls.

THOMAS -  Where's the gratitude?

RANDO OSCAR -  **to Jenny** I'm Oscar. I like your nipple tassels.

JENNY - Thanks! Instead of you buying me a shot for my birthday, I'll buy you a shot for my birthday!

CORY -  You'll never get this back, baby! Remember how I couldn't make you orgasm when we hit it on the second night? NEVER AGAIN.

After a night out with Ashley...

ASHLEY - Welcome to my city, where the hipsters shun me but I get free mocktails at the 18 and under clubs.

JAMIE - Well, thanks for a great night out.

ASHLEY - None of you respect all the hard work it takes to get you to clubs you could find on Yelp.

ARIELLE -  I am very grateful. I really enjoyed my Shirley Temple.

ASHLEY -  Fuck all of you! **throws purse**

After Jay leaves for his mother's funeral...

THOMAS - Bummer about Jay's mom.


JAMIE - You guys wanna go out and party? **they do**

The next morning...

ASHLEY - Where's my purse? My whole life is in there!

CORY -  Did you check under the plants?

ASHLEY - Duh, that's the first place you look when you lose things.

ROBOT PRODUCER - **calls on house phone** Are you looking for your purse?

ASHLEY - My whole life is in there. Social security card, AAA membership, Daughters of West Virginia Punch Card for One Free Pepperoni Roll...

ROBOT PRODUCER - You threw it on the floor. Goodbye.

ASHLEY -  **finds purse, never comes back**

Jay comes back...

JAY - Well, that sucked. But I'm back, and ready to keep serving as a peripheral character on a low-rated reality show. **phone rings** Hello?

ASHLEY - Hi. It's Ashley. I realize only five percent of people on Earth get to be on the Real World, and that I am bad at estimating percentages. Can I come home?

**Roommates are all shaking their heads**

JAY -  Yeah, I don't think so.

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