Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 12 - "Tough Break"

Joyce Giraud de Ohoven

 At a gun range...

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - I need to be able to protect myself when my husband is away.

GUN RANGE OWNER - You think tubby over here will protect you?

MICHAEL OHOVEN - Excuse me. I can hear you.

GUN RANGE OWNER - Sorry. No disrespect. But you're fat.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - He's got a huge penis, though.

GUN RANGE OWNER - Sure, lady. All of us guys hanging out at the gun range have huge penises.


GUN RANGE OWNER - What the fuck??


GUN RANGE OWNER - Our last employee who was charmed by a skinny lady waving a gun around now wears an eye patch.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - I don't get it. Tee hee.

GUN RANGE OWNER - Give me that. **wrestles gun from her**

 At a hotel in Sacramento...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Thank you all for listening to my long and intensive history of standing up for gay rights, including letting them do my hair.

LGBTs OF SACRAMENTO - Clap clap clap.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - How'd I do, Daddy?

GUY GLANVILLE - Alright, I guess. **takes a long toke** 

BRANDI GLANVILLE - There you go again.

GUY GLANVILLE - How dare you talk about me smoking drugs while i'm smoking drugs?!

YOLANDA FOSTER - Now, now, Guy. Listen to my soothing Dutch words.

GUY GLANVILLE - **shivers** Ok.

YOLANDA FOSTER - You love your daughter very much, yes? 

GUY GLANVILLE - Yes, when she's not calling me a drug dealer to the three people who have read her book.

YOLANDA FOSTER - **strokes his arm** And you intend to listen to these David Foster CDs every night before bed, yes?

GUY GLANVILLE - Of course. Accompanied by a fat doobie.

YOLANDA FOSTER -  Ah ah ah, Guy. I frown upon heavy drug use. **rubs his shoulders**

GUY GLANVILLE - Yes. Me too.  **throws baggie of pot off the balcony, pops boner** Brandi! We cool? 

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Daddy! I thought you'd never ask.

Joyce treats the ladies to a self defense class...

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN -  I figured we should all take this class, because we're rich and people on the street naturally attack rich people.

KIM RICHARDS - Uh huh. It's, like, biology.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - This is Lars. He'll let us squeeze his balls for a small fee.

LARS - I get no pleasure out of this, ladies. None at all.

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  **hits Lars in the face** Hiyahh!

LARS - Ooooh yeah, baby. I meant, ow!

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  Shit, my hand! I think it might be broken.

LISA VANDERPUMP -  How's your hand? Is it broken?


LARS - Now turn around and say the same thing to me, while kicking me in the taint skin.

Kyle holds a seder at her house...

KYLE RICHARDS - Baruch atah Adonai... Oy vey, this challah, it's drier than my pupik in the winter!

MAURICIO UMANSKY - We get it, honey. You converted to Judaism.

KYLE RICHARDS -  Judaism, schmudiasm, my back is killing me!

MAURICIO UMANSKY -You can drop the Fyvush Finkel act. It's making me very not-attracted to you.

KYLE RICHARDS - Attracted, smatracted, eat your matzoh, you're skin and bones!

MAURICIO UMANSKY - I gotta go. I've got a transsexual prostitute to meet for sex. Er, I meant, a prospective home buyer to sell a prospective home to.

KYLE RICHARDS - Take a jacket, you'll freeze your tuchus off!

Carlton prepares for her party...

CARLTON GEBBIA - I love the female form. I find it very sexy and alluring.

ELIZY - Perhaps you shouldn't have married a man?

CARLTON GEBBIA - Darling, I want the social benefits of a heterosexual relationship. Besides, it sounds so much edgier when a married woman praises the lady body. Pole dancers, please step up!

POLE DANCER I - Twerk twerk. Bounce bounce. 


POLE DANCER II -  Booty pop, vadge pop, Ei Ei O.


POLE DANCER III - **does the splits in the air better than Kyle Richards on a table**

CARLTON GEBBIA - You're hired!

ELIZY - Remember the days women used to hire male strippers for fun?

CARLTON GEBBIA -  Those fuddy duddy cunts.


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