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| Joyce Giraud de Ohoven |
At a gun range...
JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - I need to be able to protect myself when my husband is away.
GUN RANGE OWNER - You think tubby over here will protect you?
MICHAEL OHOVEN - Excuse me. I can hear you.
GUN RANGE OWNER - Sorry. No disrespect. But you're fat.
JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - He's got a huge penis, though.
GUN RANGE OWNER - Sure, lady. All of us guys hanging out at the gun range have huge penises.
JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - **swings gun** WHEEEE!
GUN RANGE OWNER - What the fuck??
JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - Tee hee. Sorry.
GUN RANGE OWNER - Our last employee who was charmed by a skinny lady waving a gun around now wears an eye patch.
JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - I don't get it. Tee hee.
GUN RANGE OWNER - Give me that. **wrestles gun from her**
At a hotel in Sacramento...
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Thank you all for listening to my long and intensive history of standing up for gay rights, including letting them do my hair.
LGBTs OF SACRAMENTO - Clap clap clap.
BRANDI GLANVILLE - How'd I do, Daddy?
GUY GLANVILLE - Alright, I guess. **takes a long toke**
BRANDI GLANVILLE - There you go again.
GUY GLANVILLE - How dare you talk about me smoking drugs while i'm smoking drugs?!
YOLANDA FOSTER - Now, now, Guy. Listen to my soothing Dutch words.
GUY GLANVILLE - **shivers** Ok.
YOLANDA FOSTER - You love your daughter very much, yes?
GUY GLANVILLE - Yes, when she's not calling me a drug dealer to the three people who have read her book.
YOLANDA FOSTER - **strokes his arm** And you intend to listen to these David Foster CDs every night before bed, yes?
GUY GLANVILLE - Of course. Accompanied by a fat doobie.
YOLANDA FOSTER - Ah ah ah, Guy. I frown upon heavy drug use. **rubs his shoulders**
GUY GLANVILLE - Yes. Me too. **throws baggie of pot off the balcony, pops boner** Brandi! We cool?
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Daddy! I thought you'd never ask.
Joyce treats the ladies to a self defense class...
JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - I figured we should all take this class, because we're rich and people on the street naturally attack rich people.
KIM RICHARDS - Uh huh. It's, like, biology.
JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - This is Lars. He'll let us squeeze his balls for a small fee.
LARS - I get no pleasure out of this, ladies. None at all.
BRANDI GLANVILLE - **hits Lars in the face** Hiyahh!
LARS - Ooooh yeah, baby. I meant, ow!
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Shit, my hand! I think it might be broken.
LISA VANDERPUMP - How's your hand? Is it broken?
BRANDI GLANVILLE - STOP BABYING ME, YOU STUPID BITCH!
LARS - Now turn around and say the same thing to me, while kicking me in the taint skin.
Kyle holds a seder at her house...
KYLE RICHARDS - Baruch atah Adonai... Oy vey, this challah, it's drier than my pupik in the winter!
MAURICIO UMANSKY - We get it, honey. You converted to Judaism.
KYLE RICHARDS - Judaism, schmudiasm, my back is killing me!
MAURICIO UMANSKY -You can drop the Fyvush Finkel act. It's making me very not-attracted to you.
KYLE RICHARDS - Attracted, smatracted, eat your matzoh, you're skin and bones!
MAURICIO UMANSKY - I gotta go. I've got a transsexual prostitute to meet for sex. Er, I meant, a prospective home buyer to sell a prospective home to.
KYLE RICHARDS - Take a jacket, you'll freeze your tuchus off!
Carlton prepares for her party...
CARLTON GEBBIA - I love the female form. I find it very sexy and alluring.
ELIZY - Perhaps you shouldn't have married a man?
CARLTON GEBBIA - Darling, I want the social benefits of a heterosexual relationship. Besides, it sounds so much edgier when a married woman praises the lady body. Pole dancers, please step up!
POLE DANCER I - Twerk twerk. Bounce bounce.
CARLTON GEBBIA - Too safe.
POLE DANCER II - Booty pop, vadge pop, Ei Ei O.
CARLTON GEBBIA - Too STI.
POLE DANCER III - **does the splits in the air better than Kyle Richards on a table**
CARLTON GEBBIA - You're hired!
ELIZY - Remember the days women used to hire male strippers for fun?
CARLTON GEBBIA - Those fuddy duddy cunts.
THE END.
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