Friday, January 17, 2014

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 7 - "The Shy Extrovert and the Rescuer"

Fiona Forbes

Patti's assistants suggest millionaires for the week...

MARISA SAKS - Patti, this is Jack. **plays video**

PATTI STANGER - Ok, one qualification we have for the Millionaire's Club is that they have to be able to get their dick up.

MARISA SAKS - But he's from Cleveland, like me!

PATTI STANGER - Gramps couldn't get a halfie if The Decision had gone the other way.

MARISA SAKS - He's got $1.5 million from selling fire victims things when they're at their most vulnerable.

PATTI STANGER - Fine. But if you think this is going to boost tourism for your shit city, I've got a pyramid with music memorabilia in it to sell you.

Patti meets up with former client Mitch Berger and his wife...

MITCH BERGER - Patti, since we're smug married people now, we're soooo concerned about our friend Fiona.

BAMBI BERGER - She's 40 and has never been married. She's soooo sad.

MITCH BERGER - Please help her find someone with a ridiculous name, like I have. 

PATTI STANGER - Hey, whatever it takes to trot out one of my two success stories on camera.

BAMBI BERGER - If she can have half of the happiness and sex once a quarter that we have, we'll be able to sleep at night.

PATTI STANGER - Sounds like sleep is all you do at night. 

 Patti meets Jack...

JACK RODDY - Patti, I'm a recovering alcoholic bar owner.

PATTI STANGER - And I'm a perpetually single matchmaker. I think we could hit it off.

JACK RODDY - Nah, i'm looking for someone a little more... 21 years old.

PATTI STANGER - How about Julia?

MARISA SAKS -  I'm 29, from Cleveland, and love a man who needs that extra boost of Metamucil in the morning.


PATTI STANGER - Not so fast. This is actually my assistant Marisa.

JACK RODDY - And she has a job? Even better.

PATTI STANGER - No, we slipped her in here to trick you.

JACK RODDY - You tricked me alright, all these other ho's look like Sarah Jessica Parker next to her.

PATTI STANGER -  What about Anette? She loves fedoras and bikinis.

JACK RODDY - But I want Julia.

PATTI STANGER -  She's not real, idiot!

JACK RODDY - **pouts** Julia. 

Patti meets Fiona Forbes...

PATTI STANGER - When you're not jabbering away to a camera or petting your cat, who do you masturbate to?

FIONA FORBES - Patti, I'm shy! I don't feel comfortable answering that. Daniel Craig.

PATTI STANGER - Perfect. I know some British guys who don't look anything like Daniel Craig.

FIONA FORBES  - I'll take what I can get. It's getting cobwebby in there.

Jack and Anette take a boat ride on their date...

JACK RODDY - Lemme see you get in that hot tub. Awwww yeah. Daddy like.

ANETTE - More like granddaddy like.

JACK RODDY - How'd you like to go out again, you gorgeous sex kitten?

ANETTE - No thanks.

JACK RODDY - Good, I didn't want you anyway. You're ugly and dress like Michael Jackson.

ANETTE - I see your halfie down there. Don't lie.

JACK RODDY - That's just the leftovers from a Cialis session that lasted too long.

ANETTE - Alright, asshole. See you later.

JACK RODDY - **kneels, looks to the sky**  JULIAAAAAAAAAAA!

After Fiona and James pick some grapes on their date...

FIONA FORBES - This was fun. If you're free later, we can have lots of sex.

BRITISH JAMES - I'm getting more of a friend vibe between us.

FIONA FORBES  - Oh, totally. Me too. I was just making a, um, joke.



  1. Amusing...but I would suggest it's Bambi who has a ridiculous name, n'est ce pas?


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