Friday, January 10, 2014

The Millionaire Matchmaker Recap, Episode 6 - "Mr. Superficial and the Nut Job Magnet"

Too bad it wasn't her mouth that got injured.

 Patti hobbles into the office...

MARISA SAKS - What happened to your foot? Did David hurt you?! 

PATTI STANGER -  He's still upset he wasn't cast as the role of Beast in "Beauty and the Beast On Ice".

JUSTIN BIRD - Well, his face frightens small children, so it's for the best.

PATTI STANGER -  We're still together, asshole.

JUSTIN BIRD - Oh. Whoops.

Patti Meets Robbie...

ROBBIE MIONE - Got a good one for ya, Patti. What do you call on optician with no girlfriend?

PATTI STANGER - I give up.

ROBBIE MIONE - Robbie Mione! Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk.

PATTI STANGER - That sucked.

ROBBIE MIONE - I can do better. What do you get when you cross an optician with an armadillo?

PATTI STANGER - I don't care. Can we talk about why you're here?

ROBBIE MIONE - Sitting by the pool drinking wine has the potential to turn me into a wrinkled old prune.

PATTI STANGER -  "Has the potential to"?

ROBBIE MIONE -  I need a 21-year-old to show me new things. Maybe introduce me to that Pokemon craze all the kids are so wild about.

PATTI STANGER -  A 21-year-old as, like, a foster daughter?

ROBBIE MIONE - No. To fuck.

PATTI STANGER - **barfs**

ROBBIE MIONE - I also play the piano.

 Patti meets Dane...

DANE DUNNE - I'm Dane. I live in the fabulous middle-class suburb of Rancho Santa Margarita.


DANE DUNNE - I also own two CrossFit gyms, where I scam people into giving me money in exchange for lifting heavy things and doing handstands.

PATTI STANGER - Double ew. I'm shocked you're unable to find higher quality women.

DANE DUNNE  - I can leave if you want....

PATTI STANGER - Nah. Gotta take what I can get. Times are tough. I ate at a Joe's Crab Shack last night.

DANE DUNNE -We have two of those in Rancho Santa Margarita.


At the mixer...

PATTI STANGER - Ladies, if you're looking for a guy whose ex-wife loves Ecstasy and screwing other dudes in his living room, Dane is your man.

DANE DUNNE - Is that really the best way to introduce me?

PATTI STANGER - I sure as hell wasn't gonna lead with Rancho Santa Margarita and CrossFit.

DANE DUNNE - Fair enough.

PATTI STANGER - And this is Robbie. He's an optician.

RANDO DESPERATE LADY - Aw, you brought your grandpa?

PATTI STANGER - My grandpa's dead, you insensitive bitch.

After the men mingle with the ladies, Patti asks them who'd they'd like to date on a master date...

DANE DUNNE - I like the Australian. Looks like she could lift a mean tire.

ROBBIE MIONE - I liked her, too. Her accent gives a false air of intelligence.

PATTI STANGER - Which of these fine options would you like, Emily? 

EMILY - I'll go with the guy who's not old enough to have taken shots with Jesus.

ROBBIE MIONE - Fine, I'll take Sheri.

SHERI MARSH - No thanks. You didn't even remember me, and we were married for ten years.

ROBBIE MIONE -  Sorry. All that sun.

PATTI STANGER -  Take this British chick instead.

LYNDSIE - I'm not sure I like being Plan B.

PATTI STANGER - As if you haven't taken enough Plan B in your life.


Dane and Emily go on their Master Date...

DANE DUNNE - Are you cool with me having two kids?

EMILY - Yep. It's the Rancho Santa Margarita and CrossFit I'm not so sure about.

DANE DUNNE - So can I call you next week?

EMILY  - I guess, but there's a large chance I'll be "busy with my screenplay."

DANE DUNNE - Is that a hint? I'm not good with subtlety. My favorite restaurant is Joe's Crab Shack.

Emily and Robbie go on their Master Date...

ROBBIE MIONE - I got a good one for you. Why hasn't Patti Stanger ever been married?

LYNDSIE -  I dunno, why?

ROBBIE MIONE - Because she's a cunt!

LYNDSIE - Hahaha! Oh you. **reaches into his pockets, only finds lint**

ROBBIE MIONE - Want to fool around like high schoolers?

LYNDSIE - Did they even have high schools when you were young?

ROBBIE MIONE - It was more like K through 12 one-room school houses. **reaches down her pants**

LYNDSIE - **squeezes her eyes tight** Just lay back and think of the Mother Land...


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