 |
| Too bad it wasn't her mouth that got injured. |
Patti hobbles into the office...
MARISA SAKS - What happened to your foot? Did David hurt you?!
PATTI STANGER - He's still upset he wasn't cast as the role of Beast in "Beauty and the Beast On Ice".
JUSTIN BIRD - Well, his face frightens small children, so it's for the best.
PATTI STANGER - We're still together, asshole.
JUSTIN BIRD - Oh. Whoops.
Patti Meets Robbie...
ROBBIE MIONE - Got a good one for ya, Patti. What do you call on optician with no girlfriend?
PATTI STANGER - I give up.
ROBBIE MIONE - Robbie Mione! Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk.
PATTI STANGER - That sucked.
ROBBIE MIONE - I can do better. What do you get when you cross an optician with an armadillo?
PATTI STANGER - I don't care. Can we talk about why you're here?
ROBBIE MIONE - Sitting by the pool drinking wine has the potential to turn me into a wrinkled old prune.
PATTI STANGER - "Has the potential to"?
ROBBIE MIONE - I need a 21-year-old to show me new things. Maybe introduce me to that Pokemon craze all the kids are so wild about.
PATTI STANGER - A 21-year-old as, like, a foster daughter?
ROBBIE MIONE - No. To fuck.
PATTI STANGER - **barfs**
ROBBIE MIONE - I also play the piano.
DANE DUNNE - I'm Dane. I live in the fabulous middle-class suburb of Rancho Santa Margarita.
PATTI STANGER - Ew.
DANE DUNNE - I also own two CrossFit gyms, where I scam people into giving me money in exchange for lifting heavy things and doing handstands.
PATTI STANGER - Double ew. I'm shocked you're unable to find higher quality women.
DANE DUNNE - I can leave if you want....
PATTI STANGER - Nah. Gotta take what I can get. Times are tough. I ate at a Joe's Crab Shack last night.
DANE DUNNE -We have two of those in Rancho Santa Margarita.
PATTI STANGER - FML.
At the mixer...
PATTI STANGER - Ladies, if you're looking for a guy whose ex-wife loves Ecstasy and screwing other dudes in his living room, Dane is your man.
DANE DUNNE - Is that really the best way to introduce me?
PATTI STANGER - I sure as hell wasn't gonna lead with Rancho Santa Margarita and CrossFit.
DANE DUNNE - Fair enough.
PATTI STANGER - And this is Robbie. He's an optician.
RANDO DESPERATE LADY - Aw, you brought your grandpa?
PATTI STANGER - My grandpa's dead, you insensitive bitch.
After the men mingle with the ladies, Patti asks them who'd they'd like to date on a master date...
DANE DUNNE - I like the Australian. Looks like she could lift a mean tire.
ROBBIE MIONE - I liked her, too. Her accent gives a false air of intelligence.
PATTI STANGER - Which of these fine options would you like, Emily?
EMILY - I'll go with the guy who's not old enough to have taken shots with Jesus.
ROBBIE MIONE - Fine, I'll take Sheri.
SHERI MARSH - No thanks. You didn't even remember me, and we were married for ten years.
ROBBIE MIONE - Sorry. All that sun.
PATTI STANGER - Take this British chick instead.
LYNDSIE - I'm not sure I like being Plan B.
PATTI STANGER - As if you haven't taken enough Plan B in your life.
LYNDSIE - True.
Dane and Emily go on their Master Date...
DANE DUNNE - Are you cool with me having two kids?
EMILY - Yep. It's the Rancho Santa Margarita and CrossFit I'm not so sure about.
DANE DUNNE - So can I call you next week?
EMILY - I guess, but there's a large chance I'll be "busy with my screenplay."
DANE DUNNE - Is that a hint? I'm not good with subtlety. My favorite restaurant is Joe's Crab Shack.
Emily and Robbie go on their Master Date...
ROBBIE MIONE - I got a good one for you. Why hasn't Patti Stanger ever been married?
LYNDSIE - I dunno, why?
ROBBIE MIONE - Because she's a cunt!
LYNDSIE - Hahaha! Oh you. **reaches into his pockets, only finds lint**
ROBBIE MIONE - Want to fool around like high schoolers?
LYNDSIE - Did they even have high schools when you were young?
ROBBIE MIONE - It was more like K through 12 one-room school houses. **reaches down her pants**
LYNDSIE - **squeezes her eyes tight** Just lay back and think of the Mother Land...
THE END.
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