Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap, Episode 11 - "Luaus and Lies"

Kim Richards.

Kim pretends to rush around before Kimberly's graduation party...

KIM RICHARDS - Finally, I get a segment of me planning a party!

PARTY PLANNER - I mean, I'm the one really doing the planning, sooo...

KIM RICHARDS - I've been too fucked up to order people around, but now I'm sober, and ready to treat an underling like shit!

PARTY PLANNER - Oh god... Am I the underling?

KIM RICHARDS - What's that lei doing there? Pick it up! Who made the hay on the tiki hut too close together? SEPARATE THE HAY!

PARTY PLANNER**offers her a flask** Want to drink this?

KIM RICHARDS - No! I am a fancy lady now, like the Countess!

PARTY PLANNER**offers her white powder** Want to snort this?

KIM RICHARDS - No! Who let that horrid dog loose? Send it to sleepaway camp! 

PARTY PLANNER**offers her small vial** Want to inject this?

KIM RICHARDS - Um... Ok. **injects, conks out, party is stupid**

Carlton shows up drunk to the pole dancing lesson with Brandi...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Christ. Now I see why sober people hate being around me at a dinner party.

CARLTON GEBBIA - Nothing's sexier than a British person acting out the British idea of what sexy is. Cheerio! **swings on pole**

POLE DANCING INSTRUCTOR - When I opened this studio, I envisioned steel wrapped in taut skin that hasn't yet been rendered extra-crispy by the cruel sun.

CARLTON GEBBIA - Whaaaaaooooo! **spread legs**

POLE DANCING INSTRUCTOR -  If you have a dream, kids, ignore it and become a dental hygienist.

 At Kim's party, Brandi and Carlton eat Fatburger...

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  Who'd a thunk we'd be desperately trying to eat off our drunkenness on KIM RICHARDS' steps, of all people.

CARLTON GEBBIA - Eat off? I'm just getting started. **to bartender** Sir, gimme all your liquor!

BARTENDER -  All I got is a few beer-

CARLTON GEBBIA - SOLD! Except I better not really have to pay for it. **chugs while picking her Fuck Off shorts out of her camel toe**

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  I think I'm gonna be sick...

KIM RICHARDS - Want some soda water? **to her ex, Kimberly's dad** Nobody told me being smug would feel so good.

KIMBERLY'S DAD - I wish I would have told you, so you wouldn't have ignored our daughter during her formative years.

KIM RICHARDS - That was uncalled for, Ken. 

KIMBERLY'S DAD - Who's Ken? 

KIM RICHARDS - Shuddup.  


Kim confronts Lisa and Ken at their house...
KIM RICHARDS -When you RSVP-ed no, I didn't think you'd actually not show up.

LISA VANDERPUMP -  The fact that we'd rather be in Missouri than your Oriental Trading Co. luau speaks volumes.

KIM RICHARDS - Missouri, eh? Take out the Mi and the I, and you got where you really were last weekend!


KIM RICHARDS -  Sur! My hairdresser saw you!

LISA VANDERPUMP -  Wait, you have a hairdresser? I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you'd be better off at Great Clips.

KEN VANDERPUMP - It doesn't really matter where we were because we told you we weren't coming from the get go.

KIM RICHARDS - Sure, Tiffany boxes are nice, but what Kimberly really needed was to see the people she only meets up with once a year for a television show.

KEN VANDERPUMP -  You've certainly missed out on a few engagements yourself, Kim.

KIM RICHARDS - Uncalled for, Ken! The rule is that you excuse any behavior performed under the cloud of addiction! That even counts for molestation and murder!

KEN VANDERPUMP - Shit-stained pillow. **walks away**

KIM RICHARDS - HEY! I didn't get waxed today to be treated like this!

Joyce confronts Brandi at Lisa's house...

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - I deserve an apology.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Sorry not sorry.


BRANDI GLANVILLE - This is who I am! It's what I do!

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - So who you are is an immature, racist bully.

BRANDI GLANVILLE -  I'll give you 1 and 3, but not 2. My best friend is black. And a bad swimmer.

CARLTON GEBBIA - Joyce, you've got to stop with the labels. I love S and M and look like I'm from the 90s, but does that make me an S and M lover who looks like she's from the 90s? Get it?


BRANDI GLANVILLE - I'm sorry for calling you Jacqueline.

JOYCE GIRAUD DE OHOVEN - And I'm sorry for labeling you, and wearing those flowers on my head at Kimberly's graduation party. **goes in for hug**



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