Thursday, January 9, 2014

Real World San Francisco EX-PLOSION Recap, Episode 1 - "Excess Baggage"

Fuck being polite.

After the castmates arrive and meet one another, Jay approaches Arielle...

JAY - I'm from the largest city in America, and I've never met a black person. **reaches for her afro** May I?

ARIELLE - I... guess?

JAY - It's ok, my mom has cancer.**grabs her fro, doesn't let go**

At the club...

TOM - I'm feeling you.

ARIELLE - I eat pussy, bro. Urrrday. Lunch, dinner, as a side dish at Arby's...

TOM - No curly fries? Damn, that's some will power.

ARIELLE - My point is, I eat pussy. Urrrday.

TOM - Well, I eat pussy urrrday, too! Or, at least, I wish I did. Something in common? **rubs up against her**


 After the club, Ashley gets close to a rando named Francis...

JAMIE - You said your bf was a personal trainer. This guy doesn't look like a personal trainer. He looks French!

FRANCIS - That's Francophobia. We prefer a trim physique, ok?

JAMIE - I hate cheaters! Even more than Joey Greco does!

ASHLEY M - Hang yourself off the Golden Gate Bridge by your gauges, you cock-blocking cunt.

JAMIE - Oh, you're soooo local, with all your insider SF references!

ASHLEY M - I am! Good luck getting into 15 and up clubs without me!

JAMIE -  I have sleeves, I can handle shit on my OWN!

ASHLEY M - My family could buy and sell your whole family!

CORY - Hey, now. 

ASHLEY M -  What? My family could buy and sell your whole family, too.

CORY - Dude, that's an uncool thing to say to someone of unclear ethnic origins but is probably Puerto Rican.


A distraught Ashley calls her grandmother on the house phone...

ASHLEY M - Grammy?

GRANDMA ASHLEY- What is it, dear? We had a propane malfunction in the double wide.

ASHLEY M - People are being mean to me!

GRANDMA ASHLEY - Just let that tough West Virginia girl out.


GRANDMA ASHLEY - And don't talk too much trash - if any of your new friends can invest in your paw paw's new canned squirrel business, we're gonna need those connections.We're poor as shit.

 The next day the group goes to the club...
ASHLEY M - Today is a new day, brought to you by Subway. SHOTS!

DOUG - **approaches Jenny** I'm Doug. Like the cartoon character.

JENNY - Something tells me you're going to be impossible to get rid of later.

DOUG  - Yep! **they head to the house and snuggle in the hot tub**

CORY -  Aw, man. I thought I was gonna get to tear out her fake red streaks tonight.

ASHLEY M - Cory, pay her no mind. She's off with Tommy Pickles or whatever. Check out this ass. **lifts skirt**

CORY - Yeah, I guess I'm feeling that.

ASHLEY M - **throws hot oil on him**

CORY - Nevermind. **approaches Jenny after Doug is kicked out** Hey, have you ever heard of those furry people?

JENNY - I am one of those furry people. I haven't been able to find a good waxer in this town.

CORY- No, like the people who dress as mascots and then have sex through the hole in their costume.

JENNY  - Heck, I've already done it on top of a bowling alley. Why not?

CORY - That was easy. Thanks, Dan Savage!

A distraught Ashley calls her grandfather...

ASHLEY M - Grandpappy?

GRANDPA ASHLEY - What is it, dear? I'm trying to squish this damn squirrel into a can.

ASHLEY M - I wish I could get in your belly and travel back home.

GRANDPA ASHLEY - Now that's just crazy talk. You know last time you got in my belly no good came from it.

ASHLEY M - You're right. I love you.


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